洋哥哥给国妹妹的一封信

这位是个作家，极有写作激情。我叫他尽量望短里写，他说这已经是不能再短了。老实说我没看。

An Elaboration

In response to some of the very interesting questions that were asked, here is a little more detail, in complete agreement with the idea that "the gold is in the details".

"realizesomething" wrote, "How do 'many people' see personal relationships? If it is not a 'goal', it must be some play."

I strongly disagree with this. Some people simply do not break their down life into discrete goals. I never think of my life in terms of goals; I hate the very idea of it. In fact, I would argue that only mediocre and shallow people insist on seeing life in terms of goals. This is a good way to motivate ordinary people to accomplish things, but it is most definitely not what motivates people who are serious about accomplishing something in life. Thinking in terms of goals is to see life in terms of the parts into which it can be broken down, but someone passionately interested in life sees life as a whole.

Does a cat set itself the goal of catching a mouse? No. A cat catches a mouse because it is the nature of a cat to catch mice. When a cat is hunting there is no artificial distinction made between work and play. If you have seen a cat play with a mouse, dead or alive, you will know that the cat derives a great deal of joy from the process, but that does not alter the fact that this is a deadly serious game of life and death.

A goal is something outside and exterior to a life. For a person who is serious about accomplishing something in life, their work is their identity, and their identity is something internal to life. Ordinary people who are very much like any other ordinary person in the world try to erect goals that will set themselves apart from the ordinary run of individuals, but this is still an artificial process that emerges from a desire to set oneself apart and not from a desire to excel and achieve excellence for its own sake.

The serious man, who is serious about life and wants to accomplish something with his life, is going to be completely devoted to his life's work, and he is going to be devoted with a nearly single-minded focus that shallow people will think is humorless and mediocre people will consider obsessive. His work (which is not necessarily identical to his "job", which may just be a job to earn money) will be the organizing principle of his life. He will be little interested in "recreation" because when he is working he is doing what he loves. He won't spend a lot of time playing video games (unless that is his industry); he won't spend a lot of time watching television; he won't spend a lot of time in bars or clubs; he won't care much about his appearance or what others think of him; he won't know much about popular culture; he won't spend a lot of time drinking. He will spend his time doing his work.

If you try to talk to a serious man such as I have described above about "relationships" he will shut you off and shut you out -- and well he should, because you are wasting his time. Relationships are not central to his life, and never will be. His work is central to his life. You can be an important part of his life, but if you get in the way of his work, he will throw you over and not look back. The best you can do is to facilitate his work. Don't question the amount of time he spends with his work. Don't make him choose between you and his work. One of two things will happen if you do make this ultimatum: 1) he will choose his work, or 2) he will be forced into a compromise that will make both you and him unhappy. If you have something that you are passionate about, you should pursue it, and he will respect you for it. In fact, you had better have interests of your own, because if he is passionate about his work he will be spending the greater part of his life on his work and you will need something to keep yourself interested. Take charge of the domestic things that he views as just more of a waste of his time. If you are helpful, he will be deeply appreciative, but if you try to rope him into going to parties he will probably be resentful because this will be seen as a further waste of time.

It shouldn't be too difficult to tell the difference between a man who is "playing at" life and a man who is serious about life. And if he is serious about life, and has made you a part of his life, he will be serious about his relationship with you, too, even if he never says so, and even if he refuses to answer direct questions. The crucial way to tell the difference involves your ability to judge a subtle but important difference: is his absorption in his work about the work itself, about achieving excellence in some sphere of endeavor, or is it ultimately about him, his ego, about getting other people to think he is important? A man who is centrally interested in his work (i.e., a man who is serious about this life) is not interested in talking about himself, he is interested in talking about his work. Sometimes this is a difficult distinction to draw, given the identity of work and life among those with passionate interests. Get him to talk about himself and his work. If his talk is primarily about how wonderful he is and how much he deserves, then he isn't serious. He's playing at being serious. But if his talk is about how much he loves what he's doing and how he's going to change the world (hopefully for the better) then he's serious.

Anyone who ever admits to boredom is not serious about life; they are used to being amused and entertained.

Serious men are usually guarded, analytical, and critical in their comments; they are willing to give credit where credit is due, but since they have high standards they don't give out insincere praise.

Serious men are not looking for praise and strokes for themselves; they regard insincere praise for their own efforts as an insult. Any man who appears "needy" in terms of requiring a lot of praise and support probably isn't serious. A serious man will know that very few people are capable to appreciating the excellence at which he aims, and he has no interest in hearing the praise of fools (another waste of time). If you criticize him from a standpoint of ignorance he will simply laugh at you and forget it. He is not likely to easily get his feelings hurt.

You'll never be number one in this kind of a life, but you can be a close second, and number one will not be another person, but rather an interest

所有跟帖： 

• (1)有点儿跑题了吧？：-）（2） How old is this 洋哥哥? -1800900- ♀ (130 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:04:54

• ８９，你姐姐的故事很好。我在想，那个男人是不是特例呢？ -AP24- ♀ (24 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:16:50

• 嘿，伯乐! 好久不见，去哪儿了？ ：-） -1800900- ♀ (167 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:30:47

• ８９好！我最近忙，就在头顶看你的故事。俺看的时候大家都 -AP24- ♀ (129 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:47:40

• Co:有点儿跑题了吧？：-）好像是努力地肯定自己所相信 -bj09- ♀ (264 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:22:30

• 再补一句。如果我猜的不错，这位洋哥哥不是才出道就是 -bj09- ♀ (190 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:35:18

• 当作家的男人很多是这样的。 -lakeforest1- ♀ (54 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:44:10

• 天那！中国作家我已经不懂了，这位美国作家就像来自银河系外 -realizesomething- ♂ (516 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:08:42

• I think he was very much enjoying himself -lakeforest1- ♀ (50 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:11:33

• 悄悄问一句： 还是俺BF更可爱一点吧？ ：-） -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:14:33

• xi di xi di:) -idealfollower- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:19:20

• 嗯那，嗯那，（某地土话）。我的一连串问题还在，看明年吧 -realizesomething- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:48:22

• do you come from -AugustMom- ♀ (6 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 04:32:51

• 回复：do you come from -realizesomething- ♂ (106 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 05:14:38

• Please check QQH again. Something strange. Thank you. -Ah,October- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:36:37

• 谢谢还是应该说一声的。让我明白天外有天。 -realizesomething- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:34:15

• 中心思想 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (1541 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 19:55:28

• 猫的总结真棒。 -AP24- ♀ (195 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:03:26

• 一直觉得姐姐的智慧了得：) -alazycatinsd- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:06:07

• 小声说，俺LG就是楼主说的工作狂。我从来没要求他把我放在 -AP24- ♀ (70 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:12:18

• 感慨一下 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (354 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:18:42

• 我觉得，主要是我们俩都能自己独立的ENJOY一件或几件自己喜 -AP24- ♀ (209 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:43:57

• 这么高的境界正是我要追求的 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (105 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:53:08

• “工作狂”和“自我为中心”还不太一样吧？ ：-） -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:19:15

• “工作狂”和“自我为中心”不一样。楼主的口气很“自我为 -AP24- ♀ (86 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:24:57

• 我的工作狂男友也蛮可爱的，在疯狂创业的同时还像我们高考时那样努力深造，看他为事业拼搏的样子觉得很可爱呀。。。 不过他说，如果他有 -purplelily- ♀ (230 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:37:51

• 本人认为，如果西人GG都这样，不嫁（或不谈情说爱）也罢。 -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:03:45

• 西人也有不同的个性之分，我们无从概括总结。LZ说的其实是相当多的一部分 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (222 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:11:13

• 这LZ一口一个别人都是mediocre， shallow people。 我怎 -1800900- ♀ (118 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:35:38

• 呵呵，有句话叫才高气盛：)如果再加上谦和这个美德自然最完美了 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (124 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:50:34

• 精辟精辟! 懒猫真的成精了. -碧螺春红酒- ♀ (59 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:41:49

• 非常赞成。无趣之人无趣之言。不是故意搞笑的吧？ -似曾相识2- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 19:46:00

• 我怎么觉得他这样的工作狂，西人老中都有呢？ -小葡萄妈妈- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:16:23

• 应该是吧，只是我见到的西人工作狂比老中多。 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:22:57

• 谢谢翻译，象中国诗歌了。本老农要洗洗睡了，明早还要编罗筐呢！ -realizesomething- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:16:44

• 哈哈，明天我也得下田了~~ -alazycatinsd- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:24:07

• 智慧的懒猫, 千真万确,本人以身试法!补充一点: -Serendipity3- ♀ (158 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:19:06

• 智慧不敢当：)你说的真功夫简直太精辟了，这可不是装些天就可以把对方哄进来的。 -alazycatinsd- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:25:38

• 句句真理，想要和任何男人保持长期幸福的关系都得让他从心底里欣赏你，不断地在内心和外在完善自己的女人是可以永远保持魅力的，有很多两 -purplelily- ♀ (211 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:47:15

• Well summarized. -AugustMom- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 04:37:41

• 迟到地顶懒猫 -shelter- ♀ (1280 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 07:34:27

• Could you please have a series on this point? On blog? Extremely -realizesomething- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 08:26:47

• 懒猫的总结很到位。这位作家虽然有点轻狂气盛，但所说的有一定的道理 -臭臭妈妈- ♀ (159 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 07:51:50

• co 这位作家虽然有点轻狂气盛，但所说的有一定的道理 -(())- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 08:34:49

• good luck with his work... (and to hell with him) -kamioka- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:06:23

• Sounds like a workaholic re-branding -小葡萄妈妈- ♀ (1209 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:14:44

• 晕，跳过。美国唐僧那， 感觉还是灰肠嫩的唐僧，哇呀呀，希望 -sansemao- ♀ (26 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 21:29:54

• 顶色猫！ 顶你没商量! -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 05:19:49

• 什么意思？是说他迂吗？ -忍不住说几句吧- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:11:29

• 呵呵，是地 -sansemao- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:58:38

• 老农拖着鼻涕问大家，还要向这位洋哥哥问更深入的问题吗？ -easycity- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 21:33:26

• 搬个凳子，等你问。中文也行，一定有志愿者帮你翻的。俺不敢 -sansemao- ♀ (24 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 21:36:09

• 我在原文下面问了一堆问题，这位美国作家只回了一个“serious”的 -realizesomething- ♂ (1717 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 05:10:52

• He did answer all your questions. Just read it again. -忍不住说几句吧- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 10:01:06

• does such a serious man accept that his woman takes him as secon -AugustMom- ♀ (538 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 01:41:32

• 在此一并谢谢大家的，尤其是猫老大的中文翻译。 -忍不住说几句吧- ♀ (319 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 09:02:57

• That is why I am still interested in the elaboration. He is a th -realizesomething- ♂ (844 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 10:33:41

• 回复 -忍不住说几句吧- ♀ (1298 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 11:14:59