洋哥哥给国妹妹的一封信

这位是个作家，极有写作激情。我叫他尽量望短里写，他说这已经是不能再短了。老实说我没看。

An Elaboration

In response to some of the very interesting questions that were asked, here is a little more detail, in complete agreement with the idea that "the gold is in the details".

"realizesomething" wrote, "How do 'many people' see personal relationships? If it is not a 'goal', it must be some play."

I strongly disagree with this. Some people simply do not break their down life into discrete goals. I never think of my life in terms of goals; I hate the very idea of it. In fact, I would argue that only mediocre and shallow people insist on seeing life in terms of goals. This is a good way to motivate ordinary people to accomplish things, but it is most definitely not what motivates people who are serious about accomplishing something in life. Thinking in terms of goals is to see life in terms of the parts into which it can be broken down, but someone passionately interested in life sees life as a whole.

Does a cat set itself the goal of catching a mouse? No. A cat catches a mouse because it is the nature of a cat to catch mice. When a cat is hunting there is no artificial distinction made between work and play. If you have seen a cat play with a mouse, dead or alive, you will know that the cat derives a great deal of joy from the process, but that does not alter the fact that this is a deadly serious game of life and death.

A goal is something outside and exterior to a life. For a person who is serious about accomplishing something in life, their work is their identity, and their identity is something internal to life. Ordinary people who are very much like any other ordinary person in the world try to erect goals that will set themselves apart from the ordinary run of individuals, but this is still an artificial process that emerges from a desire to set oneself apart and not from a desire to excel and achieve excellence for its own sake.

The serious man, who is serious about life and wants to accomplish something with his life, is going to be completely devoted to his life's work, and he is going to be devoted with a nearly single-minded focus that shallow people will think is humorless and mediocre people will consider obsessive. His work (which is not necessarily identical to his "job", which may just be a job to earn money) will be the organizing principle of his life. He will be little interested in "recreation" because when he is working he is doing what he loves. He won't spend a lot of time playing video games (unless that is his industry); he won't spend a lot of time watching television; he won't spend a lot of time in bars or clubs; he won't care much about his appearance or what others think of him; he won't know much about popular culture; he won't spend a lot of time drinking. He will spend his time doing his work.

If you try to talk to a serious man such as I have described above about "relationships" he will shut you off and shut you out -- and well he should, because you are wasting his time. Relationships are not central to his life, and never will be. His work is central to his life. You can be an important part of his life, but if you get in the way of his work, he will throw you over and not look back. The best you can do is to facilitate his work. Don't question the amount of time he spends with his work. Don't make him choose between you and his work. One of two things will happen if you do make this ultimatum: 1) he will choose his work, or 2) he will be forced into a compromise that will make both you and him unhappy. If you have something that you are passionate about, you should pursue it, and he will respect you for it. In fact, you had better have interests of your own, because if he is passionate about his work he will be spending the greater part of his life on his work and you will need something to keep yourself interested. Take charge of the domestic things that he views as just more of a waste of his time. If you are helpful, he will be deeply appreciative, but if you try to rope him into going to parties he will probably be resentful because this will be seen as a further waste of time.

It shouldn't be too difficult to tell the difference between a man who is "playing at" life and a man who is serious about life. And if he is serious about life, and has made you a part of his life, he will be serious about his relationship with you, too, even if he never says so, and even if he refuses to answer direct questions. The crucial way to tell the difference involves your ability to judge a subtle but important difference: is his absorption in his work about the work itself, about achieving excellence in some sphere of endeavor, or is it ultimately about him, his ego, about getting other people to think he is important? A man who is centrally interested in his work (i.e., a man who is serious about this life) is not interested in talking about himself, he is interested in talking about his work. Sometimes this is a difficult distinction to draw, given the identity of work and life among those with passionate interests. Get him to talk about himself and his work. If his talk is primarily about how wonderful he is and how much he deserves, then he isn't serious. He's playing at being serious. But if his talk is about how much he loves what he's doing and how he's going to change the world (hopefully for the better) then he's serious.

Anyone who ever admits to boredom is not serious about life; they are used to being amused and entertained.

Serious men are usually guarded, analytical, and critical in their comments; they are willing to give credit where credit is due, but since they have high standards they don't give out insincere praise.

Serious men are not looking for praise and strokes for themselves; they regard insincere praise for their own efforts as an insult. Any man who appears "needy" in terms of requiring a lot of praise and support probably isn't serious. A serious man will know that very few people are capable to appreciating the excellence at which he aims, and he has no interest in hearing the praise of fools (another waste of time). If you criticize him from a standpoint of ignorance he will simply laugh at you and forget it. He is not likely to easily get his feelings hurt.

You'll never be number one in this kind of a life, but you can be a close second, and number one will not be another person, but rather an interest