JJMMs, please give me advice!!!

Hi, everybody, it is my first time to post my story and my confusion on a website, but I have been really lost, and I don't know where I am going and what I should be doing, I am very depressed, and very sad, I really need people's sincere advice, I like many JMs in this site, and please help me, I desperately need your help.

5 years ago, an American coworker started to approach me, he started talking to me a lot, and he started to try to get every possible chance to talk to me on the hallway( I was a post-doc doing research in a research lab, he was a research assistant professor in another lab, but we were in the same department and we were working in the same floor). When he first started approaching me, I refused to be friends with him, as he was married and his wife was also an assistant professor in our department, they seemed to be fine, as they always came to work together and had lunch together in the cafeteria. I told him that I never wanted to get involved with a married man, besides, I was married, but I had a lot problem with my hu*****and and we had been separated and had no intimacy for years, I already filed for divorce but my hu*****and did not agree, I was taking care of my child all by myself at that time. The American guy was very persistent and he kept telling me that there were a lot problems in his marriage, and he and his wife had not been together ( had sex) for almost a year, he and his wife were sleeping in 2 different rooms as they had a big house, they were married for 14 years at that time, and they didn't have any kids.

During that time when I was refusing to get involved with him, he would always try to talk to me, send me 3-4 very long emails with all the nice words and all the passion, he even wrote songs for me every day, I was really touched by him, and after 1 year, I agreed to try to get to know him more and spend a lot of time with him, mostly talking to him or responding his emails, and gradually, we found that we loved each other so much and started to commit to each other. 4 months later, he moved out of his house to an apartment and we started to spend the nights together, then he started his very long process of getting divorced, I thought it should be easier than mine, as they don't have kids, but his wife was very difficult to deal with, even she is also a phD and has a same position as his, but she is 6 years older than him, and she was worried about the future, so she wanted everything, and they couldn't get divorce, I got so frustrated. In the meanwhile, since I loved him so much, I decided to stay in the US ( I was planning on going back to China before I met him), so I started to apply for my green card under EB1 as an outstanding researcher, it was also a very long procedure. His divorce was very frustrating to me, then something unexpected happened, I got pregnant, I really wanted the baby so badly, but his divorce was not going to be done in a year, so I had to go through the abortion, we both agreed on this. Everybody can imagine how sad and hurting I was, but I tried to get it over and didn’t let it affect our relationship. But I got more and more frustrated, as I accused him of not being tough and pushy enough with his wife, finally I left him and went back to China ( I already got my green card at that time), I didn't break up with him, he asked me not to leave, but I told him that maybe, he could really figured out what he really wanted if I was not around, and I promised him that I would definitely come back to the US in a few months ( I told him that the maximum time I would stay in China would be a year as I signed the contract,) I promised him that I would still love him, as I was committed to him, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. also the job I got in China was very attractive, so we went back to China in 2006, my kid was getting very close to him, and he was really sad that we left him, I didn't want to leave, but I already signed the contract with the company in China when I was really upset at him, so I could not break the contract.. I really regretted that I left him and went back to China, we missed each other so much that it was really crazy. He got so depressed and he missed us terribly, we used to be together all the time, then he also got very lonely. Finally he got divorce a few months after we left, he did give up a lot ( almost everything, include his house), I didn't care that he didn't get any property, I was happy that he finally got divorce. But I was unable to come back to the US because of my work commitment in China, also my kid's school in China. He kept asking us to move back (we were able to see each other a few times during that one year period, as I managed to get 4 trips to visit him, and stayed with him for a week every time I visited him, and he visited us twice), and kept promising that he would love me forever and ever, he kept telling us that we were his family, etc.... he would promise anything if I asked, he tried very hard to convince me that he would love me for the rest of his life. All he did was trying to convince me to move back with him, as he was so afraid that he might lose us. I gave up everything in China and we did move back to the US after we had been in China for 10 months, and we moved in with him in his apartment. He took us to visit his parents and his parents liked us right away, his parents were very very nice and very kind. And we got engaged, and planned on get married 6 months later.

But I could sense that something was wrong, he was not as nice as before, he was not that happy as he used to be, he didn’t have that enthusiasm any more, I started questioning him, and I showed my upset, then he started to stay in his office more and more, one month after we moved back, I had to ask him what was wrong with him, and he told me that he felt hurt when I left him for China, and he thought that I abandoned him, he said that when he was missing us so badly, it hurt him very badly and created scar in his heart. I was very upset, I criticized him and I told him that I never abandoned him, as I promised him that I was coming back , and I called him 4 times a day when I was in China, I even left all my savings ( around 120000 dollars with him before I went back to china as my contribution to " our family". How would any women do that if she wanted to break up with a guy? ) He also mentioned that after we moved together with him, he felt everything was not the same as before we left, I tried to convince him that every relationship needs effort, especially we just started living together, we needed some time to adjust each other.

Then he started coming home less and less, even not return my call, I started wondering if he actually had an affair, but he denied every time I asked him. Then he told me that he wanted to move out and try to see if he could get all that passion back, he used to have all the passion for me, he told me that he still loved me, but he needed some time to figure things out, so I let him move out, in the meanwhile I tried to find a job. (When we were living together, he paid the rent, but I wanted to pay all the grocery as I didn’t want to spend his money, but I didn’t have a job as I came back to the US to be with him, and I didn’t even have time to get a job.).

He got his own apartment as he wanted to get all those feeling back ( as he stated), but we still spent time together, he would stay overnight most of the time, and only went to his apartment over the weekends. But it worried me that most of the time over the weekends, he became very inaccessible, as he wouldn’t even return my calls, sometimes he could return my call the next day, he disappeared over the weekend, sometimes he told me that he was at work over the weekend, but he was not in his office, but even after I found out he was not at work and called him, he would tell me that he was at work, basically he started lying to me. When I questioned him, he would tell me that he was driving around and he didn’t want to call me back as I might be fighting with him. Things got so weird to me, but he still came back home sometimes, and had dinner with us, even stayed overnight. Until two weeks ago, I accidentally found out that he was visiting a woman two hours away every weekends, and it had been long time ago before he even moved out, and most likely he started it one months after we moved back from China, he even stayed in that city for the weekends, that’s why I could never reach him on weekends. I was totally shocked, and I called him and told him what I found out, he didn’t want to talk about his affair, he would not tell me who she was, he said that he figured that there was some problem in our relationship and he didn’t think it would work out, so he wanted to see if he could get to know the other woman. He was angry that I found out his secret, but it was just totally an accident, I was very sad and upset, I used to trust him so much just like trust myself, and all his commitments were so great, I could never imagine that he would have affair when he kept telling me he still has very strong feelings for me, how could it be possible?? I gave up almost everything, my property, even my wonderful job in China, I came here to join him and I didn’t even have a job at that time.


I was so upset and I argued with him, I felt so lost and so hurting, the bed feeling was literally unbearable, I told him that I felt him so disgusted and so dirty as he might be sleeping around (at least when he was with that woman, he didn’t go to get any hotel room, so he must be stay with her in her apartment). I said many words to hurt him and criticize him, he told me that it was just pushing him away, I didn’t want to see him, but in the meanwhile, I know I still care about him so much. On Valentine’s day, he came back home to see me, but we ended up fighting the whole night, finally I told him that I didn’t want to have any kind of relationship with him any more.. I know all these Friday and weekends he went to be with her, but he would call me on week days, trying to talk to me…. Yesterday was Friday, he went to see her again, so he dissappeared again…..

I was totally lost, I have very mixed feelings to him, I know that I still have feelings for him, but I can’t tolerate this, and he told me that he didn’t want to lose me in his life, but it is not normal, he tells me that he is feeling very depressed and hopeless for everything, he is having Mid life crisis ( he is 51 years old, he is a professional, but his career is not successful as what he wanted to be, he was having a lot failures in his career over the past a few years, he is 11 years old than me, by the way).

I don’t know what to do, my heart literally is bleeding and hurting when I am thinking about he is with another woman and having all kind of fun together, apparently, that woman doesn’t have kids. ( that is the only information I could get from him, he refused to talk about her at all, just like when his ex asked him if he had a girlfriend when they were getting a divorce, he would not talk about it).

I talked to his parents, they were shocked as well, they told me that they always feel that he is crazy about me and my child, and they like us to be together. But I told them not to tell him that I contacted them as he didn’t want to worry them and disappoint them. I don’t know what I can do, should I just cut off with him? Should I try to talk to him, he really gets very resentful if I want to talk about his affair, he just want us not to touch this topic at all, but it is very hard on me, what should I do???

Please give me some advices, I guess the best thing for me to do is to break up with him and move on with my own life, right? Can I trust him again? Should I wait for him after he gets tired of this new relationship? Should I try to talk to his new girlfriend? What should I do? He told me that he is lost, and he didn’t know where he is going these days. I am very angry, even want to destroy his reputation in the school, but I guess I still have feelings for him, what should I do???? Please help me…

Sorry it is very long and thanks for your time and suggestions… Thanks.

所有跟帖： 

• 看来你这啥经的白念了,这点耐心都摸有! 罚你回去再念段经去! -知福惜福- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 09:53:13

• here you go -Eveline- ♀ (681 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 09:55:45

• 天,这摸长我竟然看完了,先佩服俺一把.:))) -知福惜福- ♀ (1055 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 09:50:48

• 是坑才不会些这么长呢! :))) 用用脑哈! -知福惜福- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 09:53:53

• 我也觉得这个destroy his reputation有点文革的做法，不大聪明 -米沙- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:07:57

• 也佩服一下自己， 不仅看完她的贴， 也看完你的， 呵呵，好建议 -kathyzhang73- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:52:32

• 嘿.俺的短小精干,不费眼的.:)) 2句话说完就好了.:))) -知福惜福- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 12:23:44

• 回复：天,这摸长我竟然看完了,先佩服俺一把.:))) -燕子楼- ♀ (48 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 16:06:27

• you already knew the answer: -Eveline- ♀ (403 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 09:51:01

• move on for your own life, he is not the right one for you!! -happynomad- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:18:38

• 够长的，我来说说我的想法把 -米沙- ♀ (598 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:06:08

• Bury your feeling to him, find a job and get on your own life. -西葫爱南瓜- ♀ (64 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:07:39

• Take the money that is due you and run! You are an -riley- ♀ (642 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:12:27

• 这还不错，蛮洒脱 -红红的秋枫- ♀ (0 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:42:31

• cut the cord, let it bleed for a while and move on. -chinesebuns- ♀ (66 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:37:23

• be calm -xibao- ♀ (2277 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 10:48:32

• Thanks so much, more please.... -middleagelady- ♀ (2807 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 11:42:02

• 回复：Thanks so much, more please.... -米沙- ♀ (296 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 11:59:54

• 非常正确,该过去总会过去的,睡不着就上这来灌水,灌啊灌的成习惯了.嘿, -知福惜福- ♀ (104 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 12:18:51

• 回复：Thanks so much, more please.... -happy1014- ♀ (159 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 13:21:34

• 这样的WSN也当个宝贝！MOVE ON吧，此人根本不是 -AdaZheng- ♀ (77 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 13:26:13

• I think JJ you must be high IQ type person. -LittleHer- ♀ (353 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 15:04:04

• 理解写这么长是你需要倾诉长久以来受的伤害.这是好事． -沙发土豆- ♀ (2288 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 15:04:04

• 回复：理解写这么长是你需要倾诉长久以来受的伤害.这是好事． -middleagelady- ♀ (1829 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 17:01:26

• 回复：JJMMs, please give me advice!!! -pageup- ♀ (162 bytes) () 02/23/2008 postreply 20:00:15