This is an opportunity created for you to have more fun with HWYS- a funny guy!
This translation is good in general. I was surely impressed with some of the words HWYS selected in communicating the particular scene of the original. Unfortunately the translation failed to amaze me more than this. To be frank, I was actually feeling a bit difficult moving through these 10 short lines. The difficulty came, in part, from the translator’s misunderstanding (e.g., lines 5 and 10), while the better part resulted from the incoherence between the lines (of the translated). In some cases, it is pretty rather hard to come up with an idea, even a faint one, to understand what the translated lines (e.g., lines 6-10) as a whole mean.
To be fair, HWYS displays quality on the Chinese classic literatures. He has also developed a very good feeling in translating Chinese poetry and assay. He has long been appearing as a loyalist to the rule of 信达雅. His translation, however, suggests he is often, if not always, an unconscious violator of the rule.
Both Chinese poetry and assay feature conciseness, much of the information helping understanding is omitted because of the default setting of our Chinese mind. An outsider to this culture has definite difficulty comprehending our literatures unless he has got a good preparation for the setting in advance. It is therefore required in translation that some seemingly “disloyalties” to the original, which generally serve as an essential springboard for the understanding, be tolerated. Considering the remarkable difference in the basic construction of these two distinct languages, good translation should never be stiff (being literally loyal); instead it should be organically flexible. Otherwise, translation would probably either make no sense or create to readers no more than a mess of ambiguities. I would therefore believe more that a good translation takes on 信达雅 than that a rule of 信达雅makes a good translation.
A revised version of the translated
1) It is drizzling outside,
2) At this final moment of the ending spring.
3) The gauze quilt can't resist the dawn cold.
4 In dream, unaware I am a detained guest,
5) Yet Indulged in the pleasure-seeking.
6) Don't loll and stand alone behind the railing,
7) In full sight of the lovely rivers and mounts.
8)’Cause the view is off and never back.
9) As flowing water and falling blossom spring had been gone,
10) Dropped to the land from Heaven I had been.
帘外雨潺潺，春意闌珊。羅衾不耐五更寒。夢里不知身是客，一晌貪歡。
獨自莫憑欄，無限江山。別時容易見時難。流水落花春去也，天上人間。
by HWYS
1) As rains pattering outside window curtains,
2) I can feel spring is almost over.
3) Gauze quilts can't resist the cold of dawn.
4) In my dream, I don't know I am the guest,
5) Always indulging in pleasure.
6) Don't loll on the railing alone,
7) (Facing) Rivers and Hills stretching far and wide.
8) It's easy to part, but hard to meet.
9) Flowing water, fallen blossoms, spring gone,
10) On heaven and in the human world.
More specific comments on each of the lines are presented below:
1) Deviated too much from the original-- no loyalty, a better treatment is no mentioning of the “outside window”, “the curtains” is enough here, but the focus should be given on the rainfall.
2) Adapted too much of the original—disloyalty.
3) This is the good line I retained in my version.
4) “guest” is too much confusing, adding an adj. there is a must, like the “detained guest” or simply using “the detained” , that way it would immediately put this “dim” line back into light.
5) Inconsistency or misunderstanding--Obviously, the line 5 in the translated context was treated as a modifier or a complement for the “guest” in line 4, and therefore this translation would literally imply that the poet remained indulged delightfully in pleasure-seeking in the course of his miserable detention. This is untrue, the poet felt extremely confined and thus depressed.
6) If without my prior understanding on mind, this line makes no sense to me though “loll” is a nicely selected word for a vivid description of the body movement in the poetic landscape.
7) “Mount” is better and more poetic than “Hill”.
8) This line is too much oral, and being too much verbal is generally not nice in poem-composing.
9) There is no organized structure seen in this line, and instead it is very likely a typical Chinese line pattern.
10) Unclear and as well misunderstanding of the original
