请大侠们给看看,怎么个缩减法(俺自己做生意,木经验,俺女大三,找夏天实习工作,很重要)

她mentor说去掉I have further showcased 那段

Dear ******* Partners:

Please consider me for the position of Summer Analyst. I am extremely interested in the opportunities ****** offers in advisory and execution work in a fast-paced, boutique environment. I did very well in my financial modelling (Decision-Making with Analytics) class and have gained a great understanding of valuation, capital raising and risk mitigation through the HBA program that I am particularly interested in exploring further.

I demonstrated extensive analytical and research skills through my experience as a market analyst for ******* the past summer. My major project was the investigation of potentials for one of ******’s products in the Chinese medical marketplace. I assisted the management in their strategy to save funds for other projects instead of this investment, after conducting research and extensive qualitative and quantitative analysis on the industry, competitors and product SWOT, which I combined and presented with recommendations in a comprehensive report to the management in PowerPoint.

Also, I have exhibited skills in multi-tasking, working long hours and producing quality work under pressure, when I took on various initiatives in summer 2009. During the weekdays, I balanced and accomplished tasks from both financial and HR managers as an Information Management assistant at the Department of National Defense. I applied extensive skills in using Excel, PowerPoint and Word to compute quantitative data in different databases, update and organize personnel data, and create presentations for my financial manager. During the weekends, I worked in bartender or waitress shifts at the ******* restaurant, usually working nine hours both on Saturday and Sunday.

I have further showcased my researching, writing and presentation skills in my experience as an intern to a Trade Development Executive at ***** Business Inc. I had assisted with preparation for client matchmaking sessions and department meetings, and gained valuable practice from engaging in networking sessions with industry business leaders and clients. In 2006, I was one of the two representatives of ****** on the Economic Trade Mission to Mainland China and Hong Kong with Junior Team Canada, for which I had raised a sponsorship of $5,150 from my community over July.

I will dedicate myself to succeed as an Analyst and become a valuable contributor to the ****** team, if given the opportunities. My resume and references are attached. I would appreciate the opportunity for an interview to further discuss details concerning my qualifications and fit for the company. You may reach me anytime at ******* or via ********.

Thank you very much for your time and considerations.

Yours sincerely,

*******

所有跟帖： 

• 看进来的有想法尽管说,没关系的, -maopaopao- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 15:37:01

• 我自己招人的经验来说我不会想读这么长的cover letter。具体意见提不好但觉得应该就是列自己主要 -2008vgirl- ♀ (58 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 15:37:48

• 她觉得那段是她最great的经历,参加加拿大青年大使团,后跟省business Inc,工作100小时 -maopaopao- ♀ (313 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 16:03:08

• cover letter写这么多，那简历里又写啥呢？我觉得可以把每短缩短点，如果每段都想留的话。。 -2008VGirl- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 16:18:59

• 嗯,偶女是说她再缩吧缩吧,就是有点难.还没顾上弄.但简历已经发了5个了,要改也是给其他公司的了 -maopaopao- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 16:31:13

• 回复：看了， -幼时蓝精灵- ♀ (675 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 16:21:48

• 谢谢,我告诉她你的看法.:) -maopaopao- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 16:35:35

• 我觉得要精简。她就说了，我学了相关的课有相关的经验，我还有好品质。分这么两段来直说就结了。 -糖果果- ♀ (165 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 17:45:31

• 哦,这倒是没想到过,思谋思谋 -maopaopao- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/08/2011 postreply 17:53:24