请大侠们给看看,怎么个缩减法(俺自己做生意,木经验,俺女大三,找夏天实习工作,很重要)

她mentor说去掉I have further showcased 那段

Dear ******* Partners:

Please consider me for the position of Summer Analyst. I am extremely interested in the opportunities ****** offers in advisory and execution work in a fast-paced, boutique environment. I did very well in my financial modelling (Decision-Making with Analytics) class and have gained a great understanding of valuation, capital raising and risk mitigation through the HBA program that I am particularly interested in exploring further.

I demonstrated extensive analytical and research skills through my experience as a market analyst for ******* the past summer. My major project was the investigation of potentials for one of ******’s products in the Chinese medical marketplace. I assisted the management in their strategy to save funds for other projects instead of this investment, after conducting research and extensive qualitative and quantitative analysis on the industry, competitors and product SWOT, which I combined and presented with recommendations in a comprehensive report to the management in PowerPoint.

Also, I have exhibited skills in multi-tasking, working long hours and producing quality work under pressure, when I took on various initiatives in summer 2009. During the weekdays, I balanced and accomplished tasks from both financial and HR managers as an Information Management assistant at the Department of National Defense. I applied extensive skills in using Excel, PowerPoint and Word to compute quantitative data in different databases, update and organize personnel data, and create presentations for my financial manager. During the weekends, I worked in bartender or waitress shifts at the ******* restaurant, usually working nine hours both on Saturday and Sunday.

I have further showcased my researching, writing and presentation skills in my experience as an intern to a Trade Development Executive at ***** Business Inc. I had assisted with preparation for client matchmaking sessions and department meetings, and gained valuable practice from engaging in networking sessions with industry business leaders and clients. In 2006, I was one of the two representatives of ****** on the Economic Trade Mission to Mainland China and Hong Kong with Junior Team Canada, for which I had raised a sponsorship of $5,150 from my community over July.

I will dedicate myself to succeed as an Analyst and become a valuable contributor to the ****** team, if given the opportunities. My resume and references are attached. I would appreciate the opportunity for an interview to further discuss details concerning my qualifications and fit for the company. You may reach me anytime at ******* or via ********.

Thank you very much for your time and considerations.

Yours sincerely,

*******