网上交友：一个美国哥哥给在美国网上寻爱的国美眉们的建议

A Chinese woman looking for a long-term relationship and/or marriage is dating an American man. Given her objective, it is important for her to know how serious the man is – what the potential is for a long-term relationship with him. So how does the Chinese woman determine if the American man she is dating is serious about a long-term relationship? Here’s the bad news: even American women have tremendous difficulty making that determination about American men. When you are coming at the problem from a fundamentally different cultural context, the task is even harder.

The good news is that there is a tool available that is culture-independent. Generally speaking, the man will be honest about his intentions if you give him the opportunity. So how do you do that? The most important thing is to be honest about your intentions: if you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so. “Oh, no, you’ll scare men off if you say that right away,” I know many of you are saying, because that is what you have heard. But ask yourself this: if a man is so opposed to a long-term relationship that he doesn’t want to date someone who is – what precisely have you lost by not dating him? As opposed to what you definitely do lose by dating him: time you can never recover.

Look at it this way: The first thing a salesman wants to do is to qualify his customer – that is, to determine if the person he is talking to is actually a potential buyer for what he is selling. If the person isn’t qualified, then the salesman is wasting time he could be using to close a sale with another customer. In the same way, if a woman is looking for a long-term relationship, she shouldn’t be wasting time with a man who isn’t a potential customer for one.

In the age of internet dating, being clear about your goals and expectations couldn’t be easier: you just say what they are. “I’m interested in dating men who expect to have a long-term relationship in their life with the right woman,” for example. Pretty clear. The man who swerves away from you because you say that isn’t qualified and you shouldn’t be wasting time on him. (Saying the same thing verbally to men you meet in person is more challenging – so figure out what you want to say, and practice it in front of a mirror, so it is as easy for you to say as “I’d like a glass of wine, please; I don’t drink beer.”)

Once you have put a man in the position to be honest about his intentions, it is important to accept what he says. If he says “I just want to have fun, I’m not looking for a long-term relationship,” believe him. Why would he say that if he really does want a long-term relationship? Ladies, if he says “I just want some entertainment and casual sex on my own terms, with no commitment to you,” believe him – and that’s what “I just want to have fun” means, in case you haven’t figured it out.

American culture is fundamentally different from Chinese, and American men do expect to have a period of fun, with no commitments, to demonstrate that the couple is compatible, before they begin thinking about a long-term relationship or marriage. But if the man you are dating has excluded a long-term relationship or marriage as possible destinations for your relationship, there is no reason to think that you will ever arrive at either with him. So why board a train that can’t get you where you want to go?

89MM的BF

所有跟帖： 

• 沙发 -smeagol1- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:23:16

• 转给我朋友可以吗？ -smeagol1- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:25:30

• Of course :-) -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:30:54

• A perfect chapter for a Dating Bible. -sugarpuppy- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:25:30

• Thanks for spending time doing this, appreciated!! -Serendipity3- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:26:06

• 写得好，都能开诚布公地说出自己想要什么，一切就简单了， -长空飞云- ♀ (70 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:31:43

• 最主要的是要相信对方的话,别认为自己能改变别人 :p -asd_123- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:34:06

• Have translated yours and 123 MM's post to him. You -1800900- ♀ (15 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:41:27

• how much? five stars or...? -长空飞云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:46:38

• You are always 5 stars, no matter what :-) -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:53:39

• 头晕啊，我得去弄点Rhum喝点Groph :-) -长空飞云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:04:11

• thanks, very good advice`` -taylor3- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:33:23

• good advice, thanks to 89MM的BF! -uts02- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:33:34

• absolutely right about culture-irrelevant -Cathy_Bay- ♀ (255 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:33:43

• 本坛历史性的文件！永久置顶，或反复引申发挥在置顶文章中！！！ -realizesomething- ♂ (58 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:40:25

• 大恩不言谢，但画蛇添足的一声谢谢还是要说的。谢谢！ -realizesomething- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:42:29

• I showed your posts to him, and needed no more -1800900- ♀ (56 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:44:43

• 建议89BF做本坛特约嘉宾，定期发帖交流，呵呵 -长空飞云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:45:08

• I told him that, you should see his 得意的 face：-） -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:47:34

• hehhe, soooo lovely! :-） -长空飞云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:59:09

• co：建议89BF做本坛特约嘉宾，定期发帖交流，呵呵 -hotChocolate- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:48:04

• Fully agree. That is the objective when I am looking for BF onli -pingrossouw- ♀ (186 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 10:48:30

• "Pierre" sounds like a French name. I heard that -1800900- ♀ (76 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:05:35

• 回复：网上交友：一个美国哥哥给在美国网上寻爱的国美眉们的建议 -woaizhongguo- ♀ (92 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:06:49

• Go to Babel fish, Yahoo's translation page. -sugarpuppy- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:09:29

• 回复：Go to Babel fish, Yahoo's translation page. -woaizhongguo- ♀ (30 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:13:39

• Complain to Yahoo.:) -sugarpuppy- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:21:00

• 好奇地问，８９的ＢＦ也是网上结的缘吗？ -collinfirth- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:07:59

• 是 ：-） -1800900- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 11:12:27

• 顶就一个字! -alazycatinsd- ♀ (42 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 12:01:46

• 顶，其实就是那么简单。不要花那么多功夫弯弯绕，同时也给人家一些 -sansemao- ♀ (252 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 12:08:55

• 再顶，直到顶不住为止：P -alazycatinsd- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 12:21:16

• CO：顶, 不要花那么多功夫弯弯绕....长发猫. :) -longhair- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 12:37:08

• 我也正想提醒众美眉一点，开诚布公虽是好，但语言能力有 -1800900- ♀ (62 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 12:40:59

• 但是也有美国哥哥们跟我说 -黄瓜炒鸡蛋- ♀ (178 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 14:15:22

• 我觉得问的要有艺术。问的太直，连我也不想回答。不是没 -1800900- ♀ (69 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 14:27:52

• 我的意思是说一般正常男人们很少 -黄瓜炒鸡蛋- ♀ (318 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 19:29:25

• 具体情况， 具体分析 -windpeak- ♀ (411 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:13:17

• 虽然对我没用了，还是顶一下89BF的贡献 -2008VGirl- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 15:01:20

• excellent. Thanks for sharing. -AugustMom- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/13/2009 postreply 21:24:31

• I believe It wakes up lots of our chinese sisters ,say thank yo -lilivancouver- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/14/2009 postreply 20:01:48

• 读完了， 才发现是89bf的大作 ;) -夏日绿影- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/15/2009 postreply 06:48:40