Essential Communication Skills for Couples: How Validation Helps Relationships Flow Smoothly
Posted on June 20th, 2013 at 9:00 am
Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates.
At the first gate, ask yourself “Is it true.”
At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary.”
At the third gate ask, “Is it kind.” (Sufi Saying)
Have you ever been in a discussion with your spouse and had things spiral out of control? You may have said something, your partner responded in a critical tone, and you became defensive and reacted to that. Before you knew it a small issue escalated into a major conflict, leaving both of you hurt and frustrated. When each person in a relationship feels they are not being heard and understood, they up the ante in order to be heard, creating a cycle of negative reinforcement. One relationship skill particularly useful in avoiding this spiral of miscommunication cycle is validation.
How you respond to your partner’s emotions has a great deal of influence on the quality of your relationship. By reacting defensively, stonewalling, or returning criticism when you hear certain words, tone, or see certain facial signals, you shut the door on opportunities for understanding and connection. When you can see past the surface agitation and validate your partner, you increase the likelihood that he or she will then validate you, and both of your emotional needs will be met. The following tips for using validation can help open the door to understanding, communication, and true intimacy:
- Do a Self-Check-in: Ensure you are calm before communicating, especially physiologically. After experiencing a stressor it takes the average person 20 minutes to return to a normal level of self-calmness (see my previous blog post on self-calming).
- Rehearse: Practice communication skills in advance. John Gottman calls this “over learning.” Although it may feel foreign and uncomfortable (even corny), rehearsal helps make important communication skills available when you really need them. In the heat of the moment, most of us engage in destructive, hurt, or vengeful thoughts. Prevent this by rehearsing validating responses ahead of time.
- Understand and Empathize: Nothing is more important in a relationship than being understood. You do not have to agree with your partner; just agree that these feelings are right for him or her. When you see or hear something that makes you reactive, use your inner editor to revise your self-talk: “She has had a hard stressful day at work, she does not need me to find a solution; she wants me to listen to her.”
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships,” Henry Winkler said. Understanding is the antidote to assumption (and the cascade of negative inner thoughts it generates). Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand how he or she feels; understand your partner’s feelings and consider them valid. Most of us get stuck here. In an intimate relationship we often feel that what our partner feels or thinks must be the same, and if they say or think something differently it invalidates us. In actuality, it is just the opposite—when differences are accepted and valued, relationships thrive. When you reach for validation through invalidating means it will only escalate the negative cycle. When you offer validation with no strings attached, the likelihood that your partner will in turn reciprocate increases greatly.
- Recognize the thought patterns that accompany certain feelings: Often, emotions are experienced physically first (especially for men). If your teeth clench or your face tightens up when your partner talks about being upset by dirty dishes, there is a good chance you have unrecognized internal thoughts that lead to defensiveness, withdrawal, or counter complaining. When you notice these patterns you can do something about them.
- Take Responsibility: If your partner complains about something you did or did not do, instead of becoming defensive, own it. Sometimes a heartfelt apology is the best validation. As humans, our first language that of emotional connectivity. It is hard to not be defensive when you hear something you feel is harsh but this is the paradox of relationships: when you can see the emotional meaning beneath what your significant other is saying and validate this, the tension disappears. Your inner dialogue should focus on emotional connection: “Will my response bring us closer or further apart.”
- Avoid Zingers: Cut the “Yes But” from your reply. “I see how you feel but I don’t agree because...” or “Yes, but you always...” When you “Yes, but” you invalidate. It is like saying, “You are right and you are wrong” (Gottman). Your own need to be validated can only be met when an emotional connection is present.
- Be Genuine: Validation must be genuine to be effective. If you have a hard time doing this, look at your internal dialogue—how you might be sabotaging communication by prejudging what your partner feels or says (not being able to separate yourself from your partner’s views), or even not allowing any communication. The goal of validation is genuine empathy. When both people in a relationship feel heard, understood, and accepted, the relationship is on solid ground.
- Trust Your Partner: Trust that he or she is not out to get you—that they have your best interests at heart and that the emotion you feel is their emphasis about how they feel at present (an exclamation point) not a personal attack (Gottman).
- Choose to be polite regardless of what you perceive your partner is doing (but don’t use this to feel justified indignation or like a victim) (Gottman).
Validation is an art, the more you practice the more refined your skills will become. Look for opportunities throughout your day to practice validating your partner and soon you will notice the transformation of negative patterns into opportunities for connection, understanding, and intimacy.
- See more at: http://izumitherapy.com/blog/2013/6/essential_communication_skills_for_couples_how_validation_==================Google Translate ============================================
必要的沟通技巧伴侣：如何验证有助于关系流动顺畅
发表于二○一三年六月二十日上午9:00
你说之前，你的言语经过三个门。
在第一个门，问自己：“这是真的。 ”
在第二门问：“是否有必要。 ”
在第三门问， “是不是那种。 ” （苏菲说）
你是否曾经在与你的配偶的讨论，并有事情失控？您可能说了些什么，你的合作伙伴在一个关键的语气回应，而你成为防御性反应了这一点。之前，你知道它的一个小问题升级为大的冲突，让你们两个伤害和沮丧。当每个人的关系感到他们没有被听到和理解，他们提高赌注才能被听到，创造负强化的循环。一对一关系的技能在避免这种螺旋式循环误传的特别有用的验证。
你如何给你的伴侣的情绪反应有很大的影响力对你的关系的质量。由防御性反应，重重阻挠，或返回的批评当你听到某些词，音，或看到某些面部的信号，你关上了门上的理解和联系的机会。当你可以看到过去的面搅拌和验证你的伴侣，你增加的可能性，他或她就会验证你，无论你的情感需求将得到满足。使用验证下面的提示可以帮助打开大门，理解，沟通，和真正的亲密关系：
1.Do一个自入住：确保你沟通，尤其是生理前的平静。在经历了应激花费平均每人20分钟，回到自我平静正常水平（见自镇定我以前的博客文章） 。
2.Rehearse ：提前练习沟通技巧。约翰高特曼称此为“过度学习”，虽然它可能会感到陌生和不舒服（甚至是老土） ，排练有助于使重要的沟通技巧可当你真正需要他们。在当下的热量，我们大多数人搞破坏，伤害，或报复性的想法。通过提前排练验证响应防止这一点。
3。了解和同情：在不是被理解的关系，没有比这更重要。你不必同意你的伴侣，只需同意，这些感觉是适合他或她。当你看到或听到的东西，让你的反应，用你内心的编辑器来修改你的自我对话： “她已经过了艰苦紧张的一天的工作，她不需要我找到一个解决办法，她要我听她的“ 。
“假设有关系的白蚁， ”亨利温克勒说。理解是解药假设（和消极内心的想法级联它生成） 。把自己放在对方的鞋子，并了解他或她的感受，理解对方的感情，并认为它们有效。我们大多数人在这里被卡住。在亲密关系，我们常常觉得有什么我们的合作伙伴感觉或认为必须是相同的，如果他们说什么或觉得有什么不同了无效我们。实际上，它是刚好相反，当差异被接受和重视，关系茁壮成长。当您通过端起验证无效化意味着它只会加剧负循环。当你提供验证，没有附加条件，可能你的伴侣将反过来回报大大增加。
4.Recognize的思维模式，伴随着一定的感情：通常情况下，情绪是有经验的物理第一（尤其是男性） 。如果你的牙齿咬紧，或你的脸绷紧了当你的伴侣谈论失去平衡的脏盘子，有一个很好的机会，你有无法识别的内部想法，导致防卫，退缩，或计数器抱怨。当你发现这些模式，你可以做一些他们。
5.Take责任：如果你的伴侣抱怨的东西，而不是百般辩解你做了什么或是没做， ，拥有它。有时候，一种发自内心的道歉是最好的验证。作为人类，我们的第一语言，情感连接。这是很难不防守，当你听到你觉得事情很艰苦，但这个关系的悖论：当你可以看到情感意义下你的显著另一种是说和验证这一点，紧张消失。你的内心对话应着眼于情感上的联系： “请问我的反应使我们更接近或更远。 ”
6.Avoid带偏见：从你的答复切“是但” 。 “我看你怎么想，但我不同意，因为...... ”或“是的，但你总是...... ”当你“是的，但是”你无效。这好像是说， “你是对的，你是错的” （高特曼） 。当情感联系是存在于您自己的需要进行验证才能满足。
7.Be正版：验证必须是真实有效。如果你有一个艰难的时间做这个，通过预先判断你的伴侣觉得还是说（不能够自己从你的伴侣的意见分开） ，甚至不允许任何通讯看看你的内心对话，你怎么可能被破坏的通信。验证的目标是真正的同理心。当两个人的关系感到听到，理解和接受，这种关系是在坚实的地面。
8.Trust您的合作伙伴：信任他或她是不是故意让你生气，那他们有你最擅长的心脏和你惧怕的情绪是他们强调他们的感受，目前（感叹号）不是人身攻击利益（高特曼） 。
不管你认为你的合作伙伴在做（但不要用这个来觉得有道理愤慨或类似的受害者） （高特曼）的9.Choose要有礼貌。
验证是一门艺术，你练习得越多越精贵的技能将成为。寻找机会，整个一天练习验证你的伴侣，你很快会注意到的负面模式转变为连接，理解和亲密关系的机会。
