首先说说我的个性,我性格既浪漫又现实。现实呢,这么说吧,对男人的态度,不喜欢我的人再优秀我也一定不会害相思病。借用红楼梦里鸳鸯的话,管你是“宝玉,就是宝金、宝银、宝天王、宝皇帝”,我不会动心。我要崇拜这个男人,但也清醒地保持经济上的自立。2个人的理想状态在我看来是比翼齐飞,但我在他后面半步。因为他太优秀我会没安全感(太优秀的人通常要和人分享),我比他强我又不乐意。从大面上说,老公很合我意。浪漫表现在比较粘人,喜欢卿卿我我, 希望老公能和我吃到一起,玩在一块儿,耳鬓厮磨。有些人特别是好多中国人可以为了事业或孩子和老公分居两地,那不是我想要的生活。
老公蛮geek的, 但绝不是social moron. 30出头已经从engineer, senior engineer升到principle engineer。现在做program manager。他不秃也不胖,长得秀秀气气。对科学技术,读书(包括科幻、魔幻和漫画等)和摄影有强烈的兴趣。我对科学技术和读书的兴趣主要是为了工作和挣钱,和他的那种passion不能比。所以虽然我是做sw development的,和他也不是特有得聊。我的很多爱好比如羽毛球,滑雪,钓鱼都是有人陪才好玩,唱歌跳舞就更不用说了。他对我这些爱好不怎么感兴趣。我也不想强迫他,他哭丧个脸,我也高兴不起来不是。原来单身还容易找人玩,现在结婚了,找人不方便了。虽然我住的城市不至于鸟不拉屎,但到了周末年轻人都到附近的那个大都市去娱乐了,这个小城市适合养孩子。而他的兴趣爱好是他一个人做的,不需要伴儿。我觉得他真的不怎么需要我。有时候我和他一天说不上几句话,他上班很忙,我们都有blackberry,发发hug, kiss, luv u之类的无关痛痒的msg. 我有时想起来家里的事儿也不好和他说,等到回家就忘了。平均一个月出一次差(2-3天),有时出差时间长一些,好不容易回家了,却累得连着几天很早就上床睡觉。他说现在是特殊情况,不会老是这样。从我们订婚之前他就在带头做一个cutting edge的项目,他说等R&D完了明年春天正式投入生产了就好了。如果只是工作忙我还可理解,周末他有时会花几乎一天的时间在那里读他喜欢的书(和工作无关的)。或者花几十分钟去做智力题。我们不是老夫老妻就这样,以后怎么办?
他的工作及爱好可以把他的时间占得满满的,要我干什么?和他在一起生活我时不时会觉得寂寞,有时我很是彷徨,极度消沉的时候会想出城甚至想出墙! 这话都和他说过,他彬彬有礼地说很谢谢你和我说你的感受,what can I do to make you happy?我说我觉得自己象一只被neglect的小狗,要acting out.说完这话我觉得自己好没面子。祈求别人爱我多一些,这是我最不愿意做的事。
总是我挑起争端,老公说搞不懂为什么我感情波动这么大,突然间就能晴转暴风雨,我说晴是因为我爱他,转暴风雨时是忍无可忍了。晴转阴时他不知道而已,那些不粘我不宠我的举动都是加在骆驼背上的稻草。
结婚前因为老公说喜欢猫不喜欢狗,我很是犹豫了一番要不要和他继续交往。他说猫精灵秀气独立有个性,你不能对猫招之既来呼之即去。狗脏脏臭臭流着哈喇子,整天只知道粘着人。我说我觉得不喜欢狗的人肯定有颗冷酷的心。养猫的人在对待猫咪时,往往不会过多投入,固定的时间,固定的位置,放上一些猫粮和水,会转身去干自己的事情。他却说和猫一起生活的人要知道如何讨好猫儿,要用心去了解猫性,还要懂得欣赏猫性,尊重猫,还要别忘了准备好被猫儿呼之则来挥之则去的涵养. 还说我是一只closet cat. 我自己不知道罢了。他还说象狗的人欣赏猫,象猫性格的人才喜欢狗呢。
他也主动做一些家务,特别是和房子有关的“男人活”。我生气的时候他做家务更主动。他记得所以重要的日子,包括提醒我我妈的生日,会给我买喜欢的礼物,对自己、对我、对我家人、对他父母都很大方。他能一口气说出我很多优点。说他是多么lucky. 我让他感到从来没有的快乐。可我真的不能说服我自己,如果他象他说的那么爱我,为什么那么不粘我?为什么我会时时感受不到?为什么会觉得寂寞?为什么觉得他不需要我?为什么我觉得自己在他的生活中是easily replaceable? 为什么我担心我和他永远也达不到我想要建立的那种浓烈的, consuming, passionate的感情?有时我觉得他真的把我当猫了,为我花钱,为我装饰房子,就觉得我会happy. 可我不是猫,猫和主人那样不咸不淡温温吞吞的关系我真的不能忍受。他说他一直以来是把工作作为first priority, 现在有了我,他会慢慢改。我也想过要充实自己,让自己忙起来,要改变自己,可是这真的很难。我想要他改变也会很难。我觉得根本的问题是,he is not that crazy about me, or maybe he is too cold to be crazy about anybody. 我认为感情是要靠spend time来培养的,要水乳交融。要不然,他以后碰到一个精灵秀气独立有个性的女子,难道就不能把我取代吗?象little prince里的小王子,狐狸和玫瑰,we need to tame each other. 聪明的jjmm们,你们说和这样的老公能有浓烈的感情吗?还是我不懂男人、太过demanding、想得太多?
Btw, 不少jm应该知道Little prince是一本超有名的好书。表面上是一本儿童读物,但含有很深的哲理。尤其是21章中小王子和狐狸的对话,我几次看时失声痛哭。It really shakes me to the core. 网上可以看英文版。
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."
"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."
The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.