请坛内的朋友帮忙修改、润色

来源: 我爱瑞士 2009-10-24 14:17:11 [] [博客] [旧帖] [给我悄悄话] 本文已被阅读: 次 (2325 bytes)
本文内容已被 [ 我爱瑞士 ] 在 2009-10-29 03:10:51 编辑过。如有问题,请报告版主或论坛管理删除.
我正在准备雅思考试, 今天尝试着练习写了一篇作业。

自己没有把握,身边也没有英语老师帮我修改。
请坛内的朋友帮我看一看,修改、润色一番。 我计划明年考雅思, 我的目标是7.5分。 作业最低也要7.5分。 请各位高人帮忙,不苟赐教、



题目:Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think that it is having an opposite effect.
Discuss these points of view, what is your opinion?

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我的草稿, 请斧正

In today’s constantly changing world, many new and hi-tech products have already become indispensable tools in our daily life. I believe that this large range of technology at our disposal enlarges and deepens the gap between the poor and the rich. The era of information and hi-tech is rather in side of the rich.

A wide range of technological products has been playing an essential role in facilitating our professional, social and private life. And they can help the rich to become richer. First, most of these technological products are quite expensive and requests some necessary degree of formation and education to use them. And the poor can hardly afford them. This phenomenon creates what we often call “the digital gap”. Second, the widespread use of technological products help the rich to save their precious time and increase their productivity. And therefore lift up their capacity of earning more money.
Third, some new technological products allow a new generation of technocrat-elite to become extremely rich in a relatively short period of time, such as Bill Gates. Last but not least, the American economic statistics show that, from 1990 to 2005, the income gap between the rich and the poor in the USA became larger than ever in the history. And many experts agree that the widespread use of new technology makes the gap wider instead of narrower between the poor and the rich.

In conclusion, the rich people have been taking an advantage of a wide range of technology within their reach to save time, increase productivity and then make more money at the expense of the poor who see themselves more and more marginalized as the result of this digital gap created by the new technology.

所有跟帖: 

嘻嘻,斧正。。。 -梅石莹玉- 给 梅石莹玉 发送悄悄话 梅石莹玉 的博客首页 (152 bytes) () 10/24/2009 postreply 18:57:43

多谢斧正。 还可以大段地修改。段落架构如何?列举的理由充分吗? -我爱瑞士- 给 我爱瑞士 发送悄悄话 我爱瑞士 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 10/24/2009 postreply 23:31:24

谢谢,改得很好。希望就思路、论据也提意见 -我爱瑞士- 给 我爱瑞士 发送悄悄话 我爱瑞士 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 00:42:33

俺又来多嘴了。这种“big topic”文章不好写。易写泛写空。。。 -lilac09- 给 lilac09 发送悄悄话 lilac09 的博客首页 (3217 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 08:14:24

Admiring.... -selfselfself- 给 selfselfself 发送悄悄话 (67 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 15:37:40

俺们做同鞋日子不短了,您才知道俺的厉害呀! -lilac09- 给 lilac09 发送悄悄话 lilac09 的博客首页 (84 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 17:45:17

回复:俺又来多嘴了。这种“big topic”文章不好写。易写泛写空。。。 -梅石莹玉- 给 梅石莹玉 发送悄悄话 梅石莹玉 的博客首页 (30 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 20:51:18

这些意见十分中啃 -马奎- 给 马奎 发送悄悄话 马奎 的博客首页 (36 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 08:34:44

非常感谢, 辛苦啦。 正在拜读研究中 -我爱瑞士- 给 我爱瑞士 发送悄悄话 我爱瑞士 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 14:40:19

a few points -carpediem- 给 carpediem 发送悄悄话 carpediem 的博客首页 (1674 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 15:51:42

回复:a few points -梅石莹玉- 给 梅石莹玉 发送悄悄话 梅石莹玉 的博客首页 (32 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 20:46:13

小梅太謙虛:) -Carpediem- 给 Carpediem 发送悄悄话 Carpediem 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 05:18:26

非常感谢诸位网友的斧正、修改和润色 -我爱瑞士- 给 我爱瑞士 发送悄悄话 我爱瑞士 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 14:39:01

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