How should I respond next time?

How should I respond next time?

My parents always felt that spending money on me and my sister when we were growing up was a waste of money.  They are selfish parents.  Long story short, they think my daughter’s piano lessons is a waste of money.  My daughter is the only grandchild they have.  But my parents would rather that my sister and I save every penny and then give to our parents’ relatives (they are not poor people. They probably have more net worth and their money was made more easily in China).  My mother kept on saying that my daughter is not going to become a pianist.  Well, our goal is not for my daughter to become a pianist.  Her father and I just want her to have a hobby.   I think I brought a child to this world so I can love her and protect her.  If she comes to visit me when I get old, great.  But I don’t have a child in order to use her.

My mother told me that I should train my daughter like Lang Lang’s father had trained him.  I told her that I don’t want my kid to have Lang Lang’s childhood.  I Just want her to be happy.

I am actually very upset when my parents say things like that.  Does any of you have a better response?

Those of you who don’t have such parents may not understand.  People who have such parents probably have similiar experiences in different ways.  For example, it was not easy for me and my sister to get our green cards.  My parents like to say : “Eveyone we know got their green card really easily.  Don’t know why you two had problems”.  They have been in the U.S. for some years now, so it is not that they really don’t know things can be hard here.  They just like to hurt us in every way possible.  If we lost our jobs, they would say “You are the only one in the whole world without a job.  So useless…”.

 

I am writing this so it is a good healing process for me.  But also more importantly, I used to think that my sister and I must have problems to cause our parents to act that way.  After having read the stories of so many Chinese people of similar age of how their parents had treated them, I had stopped torturing myself.   So I think it is only fair that I share my experience with people who have helped me heal.

 

 

所有跟帖： 

• 双方角色是什么?要是我只能说接受父母认识的局限性。在他们指点 -julie116- ♀ (73 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 15:59:43

• “在他们指点干涉自己的生活时要坚定的说no”，如果和父母的关系能这么一个字就解决，那什么问题都不存在了 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:16:15

• 自己要一贯的坚持底线。我父母不强势所以不太理解父母老在身边指指点点的那种家庭。 -julie116- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:19:05

• 看得出来，这肯定是没有类似经历，才会说出来的话。有这样的父母，你很幸福。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:21:46

• 我从小父母忙顾不上我。到十岁就开始帮忙做家务，带弟弟所以我父母觉得 -julie116- ♀ (42 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:26:11

• 妹纸小时候吃了苦，也不容易。抱抱！不过你父母能体谅，还是挺不错的。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:27:28

• 从小负很多责任是后来的财富所以我也不太怪他们。除了没长个儿以外：） -julie116- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:30:35

• Thanks. -joeyli- ♀ (525 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:19:08

• 是这样的话：我会在付出前问一下：你们肯定 -- 你们一定要我帮忙？ -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:24:29

• Thanks. -joeyli- ♀ (331 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:34:48

• 那你就要求， 他们说声：感谢！你也可以说感谢；感谢他们生你， 养你！ -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (55 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:44:10

• 说句过头点的话，如果我出生之前知道会是这样的结果，我一定不会选择出生。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:54:13

• 说句让他们吐血的话：--我又没要求你生我出来， 你生了， 你就欠我的。呵呵！ -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (50 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:58:39

• 我觉得北方的强势的多，据我知道的不多的样本 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:08:03

• 你这是在挖苦我吧。说实在的，我哪敢有这个奢求，觉得他们欠我的。我只求这辈子能还清他们的情债，我也就可以瞑目了 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:05:23

• 我不仅是这么想的，而且是以实际行动这么做的呀，只是这个实际行动是以牺牲我个人的生活为代价而已。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:09:38

• Not a good idea -joeyli- ♀ (199 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:18:35

• no big deal -joeyli- ♀ (120 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:31:40

• I know. I am trying to... -joeyli- ♀ (744 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:43:44

• 躲？能怎么躲？他们是你的父母啊。有这样的父母，基本就是无解。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:48:24

• 谢谢各位姐妹的良言相劝，哎，不说了。说多了都是泪。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:02:47

• Hany mm or hany JJ -joeyli- ♀ (284 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:12:13

• 我的观点：1.用友好的口气， 说：我的孩子我做主，你们两老就好好享受你晚年。 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:09:39

• 2.关于丢了工作：假如父母抱怨（谢谢上帝， 爸妈一直为我骄傲的）， 我会说， 是我没本事， 也是你们的错 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (524 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:18:21

• 我只能说，没有这种父母，是你的幸运。如果你有这样的父母，那无论怎么斗争，最后伤心失败的都是你。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:25:49

• 学会说“不”啊。 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (940 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:41:26

• Your parents are wise -joeyli- ♀ (111 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:46:40

• 那就凉拌！ -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:48:26

• 回复：那就凉拌！ -joeyli- ♀ (281 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:55:42

• 你在帖子里说“我爸妈还是很听我们小孩的”，这是你对他们说“不”的前提，如果没有这个前提，一切都是白说 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:46:51

• 家里发生啥事了， 老爸喜欢要听我的观点， 有时和他原先的观点相差很远， 他会调整 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (29 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:50:35

• 这不就结了吗。如果是完全不讲道理，就是一哭二闹三上吊的，你怎么办？ -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:52:14

• 因为他们知道一哭二闹三上吊， 你就能就范的， 唉！ -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:55:20

• 就算我不在乎，我不是生活在真空里啊，周围的舆论已经把我砸死了。我妈最擅长造舆论，逢人就说啊 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:00:32

• 抱抱！看来你是很倒霉的。能分开吗？眼不见为净还是有道理的 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:02:20

• 而且，我怎么可能完全不在乎呢，如果是别人闹，我根本不care，可那是我妈啊。她如果伤害自己，伤的是我的心 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:01:30

• 当然， 能理解。你知道美国有医院是评估这个的， 假如有问题的话， 可以关起来， 不让 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (248 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:07:00

• 谢谢客观的建议。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:13:06

• 就是一哭二闹三上吊的，你怎么办？ -joeyli- ♀ (507 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:00:46

• 谢谢你分享内心深处的经历，很感动。我目前尽量调整心态，总体还好，只是今天碰巧看到这个话题就泪奔了 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:07:50

• 赶快找理由把它们送回国。千万别再请他们到美国来。 -胖猪猪- ♂ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:18:04

• That is called generation gap. -trotsky- ♀ (128 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:23:41

• 回复：就是一哭二闹三上吊的，你怎么办？ -joeyli- ♀ (469 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:33:56

• 在中国的传统思想影响下，子女永远是弱势群体。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:28:33

• 我不同意你说的， 看到有很多孩子不像样的。当然， 也有很多很好的孩子 -螺丝螺帽- ♀ (150 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:53:00

• 越来越喜欢你了 -Oasisofseas- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:00:11

• 同情。 -trotsky- ♀ (363 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:15:03

• 说起来容易做起来。总有喜欢管闲事的站出来“主持公道”，殊不知需要公道的其实是子女方。 -hany- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:17:53

• You are so right on this -joeyli- ♀ (313 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:22:08

• 在国内还是在过外啊？如果在国外，被别人指点的机会不多啊。 -trotsky- ♀ (29 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:26:50

• 回复：在国内还是在过外啊？如果在国外，被别人指点的机会不多啊。 -joeyli- ♀ (223 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:37:34

• As an indepdent individual, one should absolutely refuse to live -微软的年龄- ♂ (222 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:44:03

• I agree with you -joeyli- ♀ (187 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:52:04

• why? you think you ever had a choice? :-) -微软的年龄- ♂ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:04:55

• just be happy that they gave you -微软的年龄- ♂ (202 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:06:45

• I feel the same way 人活着就是受苦。。。 -joeyli- ♀ (358 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:43:08

• co：太长了。还是青格力是。 -cecillia- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 16:56:26

• Summary -joeyli- ♀ (193 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:02:41

• 哈哈哈：） -盛夏季节- ♀ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 19:09:41

• 忠告：离他们越远越好。千万千万不要给他们办green card。 最好也不要邀请他们到美国来。 -胖猪猪- ♂ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:16:31

• I wish :) -joeyli- ♀ (118 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:21:08

• 心硬一点。要不他们会折腾死你。把他们送回国。多汇点钱。对这种自私的父母只能这样。 -胖猪猪- ♂ (56 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:33:09

• 送他们到老人公寓吧。 -胖猪猪- ♂ (0 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:34:26

• 你成长的家庭是个典型的家暴家庭。你的父母的行为模式，言语模式是也是非常典型的施虐者模式。 -禾口- ♀ (66 bytes) () 04/27/2014 postreply 17:51:54

• 中国老人很多都这样 -泽西明- ♂ (28 bytes) () 04/29/2014 postreply 04:36:56