稍微改得通順些

His day started before sunrise, on March 21, 1979, when Teacher Gu woke up
and found his wife sobbing quietly into her blanket. 用finding his wife
sobbing 沒有這樣兩個並列謂語好﹐平衡 A day of equality it was for the appearance
of the sun and the moon. It had occurred to Teacher Gu many times when he
had pondered the date, the spring equinox, and again the thought came to
him: Their daughter's life would end on this day, when the sun wouldn't shine
on her any more. A day later the sun would come closer to her and to the
others in the other world, imperceptible perhaps to dull human eyes [如用
了at first 說明以後會perceptible], but birds and worms and trees and rivers
would sense the change [in the air沒必要用], [and they would make it their
responsibility to manifest the changing of seasons 四季的改變跟她死更
沒有關係了]. How many miles of frozen river melting and how many blossoms
on trees blooming would it take for the season to be called spring? But
such naming [what naming?] must mean little to the rivers and flowers, when
they repeat their rhythms of faithfulness and indifference. The date set
for his daughter to die was as arbitrary as her crime, determined by the
court, of being an unrepentant counterrevolutionary; only the unwise would
look for significance [in] on a random date. Teacher Gu willed his body
to stay still and hoped his wife would soon [realize] find out that he was
awake.
像這種描述要有強烈的哀傷語勢﹐現在太平淡。虎媽一篇很緊湊。寫作水平就在這
種地方顯示出來。

所有跟帖： 

• 老逸是quick learner，终究把day／break给甩了，有进步，不容易呀，哈哈。老逸，别忘了写 -onceuponatime- ♀ (11 bytes) () 08/29/2012 postreply 18:26:53