【♥ 情人节YY 贴 ♥】 美女劫?! -- 汉英混合版 by Lilac [前言] 俺曾在某谭里，一时茬气，吐槽过一老男人的拙劣YY文，随被攻击道站着说话不嫌腰疼，骂的好不如写的好. 俺一想也是，俺也不能象宫里的太监，知道怎么做，也见过怎么做，就是做不了. 俺今个就趁着过节来个Lilac式的YY文--青纯版的. 您失望呀，俺也没法儿, 俺又不是没被砍过帖的说, 俺得学教训不是~~~
[整个事件,她的陈述] -- 因为她话多，俺就写成汉语，八的自在. 此女话多， 却有点 500/2 的精神头. 自我介绍: 俺叫花花--花言巧语的花，花花肠子的花 俺那会儿，还在上大学，是大四吧，不入流的小学校, 比大伙儿常向往的"山大"差老鼻子远的说。俺一次去一美女同学家玩儿. 美女同学家住市郊, 玩过点了，其实也没多晚，也就快八点了吧，但北方冬天都黑的早，从同学家出来，天都黑嚓嚓了，伸手不见五指，小冷风嗖嗖吹着，直往俺领口里钻。俺同学说送送俺，俺就假惺惺客气了一下，人家就当真了，甚麻人嘛。俺一人一头扎进黑夜里，想着公共汽车站也不远，俺就快走吧。 可走到了，更惨，一向就昏暗的路灯彻底歇菜了，站牌下没一活人。俺战战兢兢，左等右等，班车就是不来。俺是越等越怕，越等上下牙齿越打架。脑子里窜进各种恐怖的故事，什么最后一班公共汽车，午夜的凶铃。最糟的是，x市最近有几起单身妇女，夜里遭流氓劫财劫色的犯罪事件。俺一激灵，不行, 俺不能横竖等死呀，兴许这周末班车就收的早，俺的另想办法，零零落落有人骑车过，俺就劫车吧。得找个年青点，有点劲的，顺路的，把俺驮到快市区热闹点的地方，俺再打车，俺盘算着. 至于人家愿不愿意，俺到还真没想, 俺大小姐还不是所向披靡, 要月亮决不含糊星星的说。对了，还得找正派的，要不是羊送狼口吗? NND，这不比找对象还难。大白天打灯笼都找不到这好的，黑灯瞎火的，叫俺去那儿抓壮丁的说。 俺正琢磨着，前方忽然出现疑似正派人士，小分头，学生仔模样，当年俺眼神巨好，借着亿万光年远的点点星光，俺硬是做出了历史转折性的正确判断。俺拢了一下头发，准备辣手出击。千钧一发之际，突然俺束发的发花断了,珠子撒了一地，NND。俺也顾不上了，过了这个村，可没那个店的说，俺大喝一声，张开双臂，从站台上纵身跃下，拦在车前。来人亦不甘示弱，大叫一声，旋即魂飞魄散, 呆若母鸡，靠, 没见过美女吗? 反应也太夸张了吧。 俺一眼瞧见他胸前白底蓝字的校徽，xx大学。这不远是有个大学，比"山大"还有名头，WOW, 还是个才子泥，今儿个让俺佳人劫了。搞清他身分后，俺底气更足了。不拉不拉，说明原委后，俺就准备往后坐上坐了，俺还有车要赶泥，没功夫磨叽。呆瓜才子显然是没见过什么世面的，上上下下又打量了俺好几眼。还把裤兜里的钱包钥匙掏出，放到胸前的口袋里，这才开路。切，小样, 姑奶奶我会劫他那几个铜子儿。姑奶奶脚上这双皮靴都够买一新车 - 新自行车的说. 吃几碗干饭的干活，怎么骑这么慢, 跟个蜗牛似的，白长这么大的一个架子了，俺还要保持这一僵尸姿势，长路漫漫, 何日是个头呀, 俺暗自嘀咕着。 一路无话。到了市内，见了灯火，见了人群，俺松了口大气，俺下了车，他也松了口气。“唉，多谢了，同学，给个名吧，电话也行，俺到时给你们学校写通表扬信什么的”, 俺边套瓷着边撸着的头发，NND，发花也没了，俺从小就头发又多又长又密，不束起来，就是个宇宙灾难。那边那个呆瓜才子什么也没说, 脸上还有疑似暗红, 真被电的不轻。只见他掏出一大厚叠饭票，取下绑饭票的皮筋递给俺。 哪儿整的东东? 够粗够结实，NND, 捆牛都不成问题，还一股食堂菜油味。要不是俺凤凰败落不如鸡，俺早就给他扔到姥姥家了。俺捏着鼻子收下. 等俺挽上一头乱发，俺又回神了，车也来了，他想说什么，俺已经上车了。小样，这种作派，还想泡妞，下八辈子吧. 一个月以后的一个周末，室友桃桃不知从哪搞到两张免费的舞票，非要拉上俺。俺这一被拉，筋抽了，突然舞瘾上来了，老房子着火, 拦也拦不住。俺描上眉，画上眼，挑了条最喜欢的紫色碎花长裙 (知道俺为啥叫花花了吧)，蹬上一双细高跟鞋，俺俩就直奔学校舞厅。 和所有学校一样, 这舞厅平时是学生食堂，周末一到, 椅子桌子往两边一忽撸，菜油一抹地，三灯光掐掉两儿, 架上个破录音机，就成舞厅了。这个人多的, 澡堂子样，这跳舞真是大学一重要文化, 一永不褪色的风景线. 照现在时髦的说法，哥姐们跳的不是舞，是寂寞。从大一远远看，大二边边站，大三团团转，到大四腿跳断, 食堂舞厅培养了一代代舞林高手豪杰, 造就了无数校园浪漫泡沫. 桃桃已不知去向，不知被哪个帅锅骗跑了. 俺正处在舞林上境，俯瞰芸芸舞徒, 作高人感叹状. 耳边舞曲响起,“带走一盏渔火，让他温暖我的双眼。留下一段真情,让它停泊在枫桥边” 毛宁的涛声依旧，慢四正好，俺脚尖点着拍子。忽听人怯怯道，小姐，请跳一曲吧。俺大眼一回神，哟，这不是呆瓜才子吗。追女追到这来了。“您大老远跑这疙瘩地来堵本小姐了”“ 头次来，碰巧” “碰巧？？”，切, 俺才不信捏，你以为你是孔明转世，还是你妈妈是门口买票兼当spy的？ 还是你把武侠书都当小言看了？以为真有什么于千万人之中，于千万年之中，没有早一步，也没有迟一步，一次就遇见你要遇见的人的游戏，去哄哄蠢蠢的大一女生吧. 呆瓜也敢请舞仙儿拼舞, 好，有种。俺先不戳穿你的小把戏, 俺到要看看你的西洋景。N曲下来，慢三快四，快三慢四兼中场胡拧，呆瓜才子，脸不红，气不踹，菜油地上一水地滑过, 一个趔趄没有, 而俺的十个脚趾头还都健在，高跟鞋也完好无损. 俺的汗下来了, 有点晕，俺今个感觉要栽, 碰上高人了，俺要赶紧撤了。 “嗨，小姐，（先定格一下，在那个青涩的年代和青涩的社会，小姐就是男子对大家闺秀或小家碧玉的尊称，现在你敢对阻街女郎以外的女士这么叫是会被抽的找不到北的）且慢” “怎么，还缠上了不成?” “上回俺借你的皮筋，可以还俺了吗？俺上次想告诉你这皮筋俺还要的说，可你已上车了” “#%*@&%” , 俺一趔趄, “搞半天，感情是来千里讨皮筋的” 还一脸的严肃认真，工科男的心理实在不是一般的变态 (和坛子里某霹雳神贴骂过的一样. 注：这仅仅代表花花的个人心理活动，俺lilac一向最fan工科男哈, 工科男逻辑超好, 还会修马桶, 俺自愧不如, 请砖板们自动偏离轨道45度的说 ~~)。 ~~~ 俺眼角抽搐着，俺这个被尊称为小姐的上世纪大家闺秀怎么也会有现代女士抽人的强烈冲动。 “你那捆牛的破皮筋，又脏又臭，姑奶奶俺早扔了” “扔了??!! 那皮筋，捆东西巨好使, 从不会断. 是特制的试验手套剪的, 买都买不着.” “得，想讹钱不是？ 说个数吧!” “嗨，扔了也没法了，就请喝瓶汽水吧，俺就不计较了”巨通情达理的说. 俺汗又下来了, 不是个善茬，俺也有一天走眼的时候, 今儿个真的要栽了. 果真，这一来二往，丢了根人家捆饭票的皮筋，赔了一瓶可乐，又赔上自个的电话号码, 最后把自个也赔上了. 嗯，这事俺是始作俑者，但俺总嚼的上了某人的道道的说~~ [整个事件,他的陈述] 因为他话少，俺就写成英语，投机取个巧, 此人话少心眼可不少. Self-introduction: My name is Dummy, or Smart-a-s-s. It was a cold winter night. I was biking to a downtown bookstore from my school. There was one section of the road that was so dark, so deserted and so eerily quiet except the occasional creaking sound from dry tree branches above the head. The hair on my back had an urge to stand up. And I had an urge to escape this damn place ASAP. I just started to speed up pedaling. Suddenly with a dreadful ear-piercing scream, a white figure swooped down from nowhere and landed in front of my bicycle. For one moment, I almost got the shit scared out of me. “Am I running into some ghost or what?” It took me 5 minutes to come back to my senses and to make clear it was nothing but a human, a girl, a young girl about my age. She had the most horrible hairstyle I had ever seen, flying around crazily like being electrified. Her twisted small face was ghastly pale with big DESPERATION fully written on it. I had only 50 Yuan in my wallet and a young life of 20 years old. But it seemed that she didn’t want money. She didn’t want to claim my life either. She was a student. She missed a bus. She wanted a ride. So to my honor, I was picked out by “luck” as the victim. I was still digesting the information blabbed from her fast talking mouth while she was trying to jump onto the back seat. To be frank, not tooting my horn, I had been “intercepted” on campus by the strange girls, not once, but in much nice and sweet ways. This girl came way too strong, too spooky to even give me a chance to say no. She didn’t look harmful, just a little coocoo, maybe. I decided to take the risk to be a Samaritan to give her a ride. My bike tires were a little flat. Although she seemed not very heavy, it was still a person’s weight and there was still a long way to the downtown. I needed to pedal much hard. So I transferred my wallet and keys from my pants pocket to the shirt pocket to give my legs more stretching room. I caught her darting me a despicable look. What the hell was that? She was not heavy at all. Maybe she was a ghost. She clutched the iron bars of the back seat so tightly that her knuckles turned white, like the last fall leaf stubbornly clinging there. Actually for the sake of safety, she’d better put her arms around my waist to secure the sitting. But obviously, that was the last thing on her mind. She had the least intention to take advantage of a cute guy like me and I was not ready to be taken any advantage of by a zombie girl either. We were just trapped in this awkward situation. I had to bike slowly and steadily to balance the old bicycle on the bumpy road. So we didn’t have to be forced to “touch” each other anyway. When we finally reached the noisy downtown, my back was drenched in sweat. Once she saw the crowd, she looked so relieved. I also felt relieved for her. That a young girl stopped a strange young man for hitchhiking at the dark night was a much bigger daredevil act than the bungee jumping. They were both suicidal acts, but at least for the latter you knew you had the harness to pull you back to the safety at the last second before you plummeted to death. However, for the former, that was pure luck plus prayers, many prayers. But it seemed there was something about this girl. She had that kind of self-deluded confidence. Once she made up her mind for something, she would go and get it. She wouldn’t sit there helplessly, waiting for the prince in shining armor for the rescue. If she did need help, she would take the initiative and single out whomever, prince or beggar, could help her out of the trouble safely. She had her own judgment, she believed in it and it somehow worked out. That was something worth admiring. And actually she was not that bad looking. Or were my eyes really f*cked up by the previous shock? She was very thin, or slender, a better word. Some rosy color had been restored to her cheeks, so she was not that ghostly looking. She was trying to tidy up her tousled hair with some grumbling cursing words while waiting for the bus. It occurred to me I had a strong rubber band that was used to organize school food tickets. Her hair could use some strong rubber band. I couldn’t hide my laugh when I saw her accept it with that unrestrained disgusting but no other choice look. She looked much better after she put her hair in order. She must be that type of girl called “beauty at the second or third sight”. She even asked my name and put on that “I-could-hit-on- you-and-I-didn’t-give-it-a-damn” act. I guessed she just bluffed there to show she had more niubility and coolness than a guy to cover her embarrassment in this whole bizarre incident. Ok, she deserved a lesson. Her error lied in that she should never intrigue or challenge a guy, a guy like me. I didn’t tell her my name, and I didn’t even ask her name, because I didn’t need to. I was sure I could hunt her down in a surprising way. She mentioned her school and her college year when she was seeking for help. She sure was a blabbermouth. That was enough. I knew that was a small school and I happened to know a friend who studied there. She could help me get this ghost girl’s identity. With that kind of signature hair, it shouldn't be hard to find out. I was sure we would encounter each other again soon in a "coincidence". She had to return what she had borrowed and much more no matter she liked or not. If there were always wars between men and women, she would lose hers since she had already underestimated her rival…. And the final results proved I am right as always because I am the smart-a-s-s… [公堂对质] 多年以后，一天，她闲的在家抓墙，又把这事翻出来了。“我说，呆瓜, 那晚, 星光灿烂, 俺白衣胜雪，笑靥如花，莺声燕语, 天外飞仙般，从空而降，拦你车前，是不是把你电的七荤八素的说” 呆瓜他从报纸里抬眼，努力回忆了一把，幽幽道，“的确，花花, 那晚, 风高夜黑, 你白衣惨面，笑里藏刀, 批头散发，声如厉鬼，好似贞子还魂，梅超风诈尸于俺车前，差一点没被你吓的尿裤子的说” 简直, 简直岂有此理，气死活人了, “请接俺一记九阴白骨爪” 这她眼中的美女劫，成了他眼中的鬼女劫，终归成了他们的情人劫 - 情人节 祝大家情人节快乐, 不是情人节也快乐~~~ [后记] 其实那捆牛的皮筋她并没有扔, 她用香皂仔细洗了几遍后, 私藏了. 每次, 洗了澡后，挽起乱发作功课或干家务挺得劲的, 还真没断过, 但凡好东西是逃不开她的法眼的。 这捆牛的皮筋，牛要是不想要被捆, 是捆也捆不住的，就让那自以为是的呆瓜以为自己舞场情场占了上风吧. 她大小姐才真是所向披靡, 要月亮决不含糊星星的说. He might win the game, but she invented it. I vote for Huahua. 本文系lilac应节应时且吃饱没事后YY而作，如有雷同，纯属巧合,~~ 一夜长大 - 梁静茹唱 Lilac, 02. 2010 |
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