俺大眼看了, 写的真很不错，文从字顺，有细节描写，有心理挣扎

俺大眼看了, 写的真很不错，文从字顺，有细节描写，有心理挣扎，也有funny段子。俺鸡蛋里挑骨头，加点自己的想法如果俺是作者，教主不必计较，参考即是

俺先从大的方面说说

好些人对scuba diving具体是个啥东东，都不是太清楚，加段introduction，会好一点

Scuba diving offers people the opportunity to see what life is like below the water in lakes, and oceans. Scuba is an acronym that stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (googled). Scuba divers wear equipment, which allows the divers to stay below the water's surface for long periods of time.

scuba diving不比骑自行车或开车，是很危险很刺激又很fantacy的，如果能在开头把这种感觉渲染出来，才能抓住eyeballs. 俺是diving白痴，凭自己想象胡绉一段. 总之，文章开头要尽量作标题党，不管三七二十一抓住读者才是王道

It is well known scuba diving is a very dangerous sport. Just picture it, diving down 1000 feet water, will one have lung explosion if descending too fast? what if something goes wrong with the equipment? What if there is a shark attack or jellyfish sting? What if one is running out of oxygen while his buddy is out of reachable distance. All these legitimate questions and concerns can daunt any new learners. It seems there is too much to learn, too much to master, too much to be alert of, kind of overwhelming. But the dream since my childhood of diving deep into the heart of ocean, touching those beautiful corals, flower like sea anemones, while surrounded by various colorful aquatic creatures that you can can’t even put a name on, is too intriguing and enthralling to resist. With this mixed feeling of excitement and worries, I entered into the 潜水office…..blah blah

细节上
With a brief hesitation, I signed the form with my mind where excitment tricklED away and nerves tensED up.”

Note: Very nice sentence, especially those two verbs, exellent usage. Pay attention to tense (should be past tense)

最后一段 your version:
"With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, and revolving on surface BUT sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, GLOWING on her face, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”

Note: “but” logical 好象不通; “glowing”，俺不大懂，俺猜你想表达她脸色苍白，glowing是发白光的; 热情洋溢的；是形容人很高兴的，不符合意思。俺稍稍改了一下, 用 “ghast”

With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, revolving, trying to be above water for a hectic moment, then sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, ghastly faced, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”

所有跟帖： 

• 哇，有才。尤其是glowing-->ghast，学到了，谢谢。 -谢桥- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2009 postreply 01:34:14

• 8226; 哇，有才【zt】，你化了那么多时间，很感谢. -任我为- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2009 postreply 02:53:18