As a writer of romance novels, I create exotic fantasies. My heroines are beautiful, my heroes gilded with a touch of the legendary, my plots larger than life.
Fans sometimes think of me as an "expert" on love, but my children never ask my advice. When I try to give it anyway, they roll their eyes. To them, I'm just Mom - too impossibly old-fashioned and ordinary to understand the winds of their times.
Since they have reached their teens, however, their often painful searches for that special someone have left me sleepless many a night. There are so many things I wish for them that I am utterly powerless to provide. Sometimes I imagine a little scene. Robby and Johanna ask me, "Mom, how do I find true love?" Here is what I say:
1. Understand that love is a state of mind and heart. It is not dependent on beauty, physical strength or the romantic settings I use in my book. Though it may be begin with infatuation, it moves from physical attraction in a golden curve, often involving sacrifice, to the deepest bond between two people.
Love for me is specific: I speak of your father, Robert, my hu*****and of 23 years. To you our marriage is as plain as vanilla ice cream, but it is the core of my life. Ours is the kind of love to which romance novels are just a prelude.
Your dad doesn't arrange intimate dinners or second honeymoons. He doesn't bring me flowers. What he does is keep my car repaired and full of gasoline so I'll never be stranded. He vacuums the carpet when your grandmother is coming - not because he cares, but because he knows I care. Though your dad is not a pet person, when our old cat died, Robert buried him for me. He held me while I wept. After I'd mourned for several months, he encouraged me to adopt a kitten. So remember, true romance - the enduring kind - often comes so cleverly disguised it's easy to overlook.
2. Settle for nothing less than total commitment. I've seen couples live together in a "trial marriage." That seems as logical as biting into an orange to see if you have an appetite for an apple.
I know a man who has bitten one orange after another for years. He claims women are too "into themselves" to commit to a relationship, but he's got it backward. No one can open up the depths of her heart to a mere experiment.
A marriage certificate won't solve all your problems, but until you have the guarantee of one, you can't begin the struggle to forge yourselves into one unit against the world - the ultimate goal.
A mate is the post you can lean on, the person who, when you've really screwed up, loves you anyway. The only way to get that kind of mate is to make the dreadful leap of trust and be that kind of mate.
3. Talk about everything - expect divorce. I was not a talker when I met your dad. In my childhood, I'd learned that it was best to remain silent around my alcoholic father, who could twist any statement into a weapon. But Robert stubbornly refused to accept my silence. It was my first intimation of the strength of his love.
There is only one subject, we discovered, that should be taboo in a marriage: divorce. The mere mention of this word brings it into the realm of possibility.
Your father and I learned this the hard way. During a trying period years ago, I found myself calmly saying, "Maybe we should get a divorce." He answered, "Maybe we should."
How did we get to that point? Simply by mentioning the ugly "D" word in times of anger ("If we can't work things out we might have to consider divorce") and by slipping it sideways into discussions ("If we ever got a divorce...").
The day we frankly confronted the divorce option, we were not terribly angry with each other, but we had gradually let divorce become a real choice in our thinking. We made a pact, then and there, never again to mention the word "divorce" in association with us. We haven't dared break that pact in 17 years.
4. Want the best for each other. Being married doesn't mean that you are glued together. One of the wonderful things about love is that it binds without crippling. Remember not all your activities, friends or enthusiasms will be the same as your mate's.
When you father went back to college for his teaching degree, it meant starting over, but I wanted him to fulfill his potential. When I decided to abandon paramedical training and become a writer, he encouraged me.
Loving someone doesn't mean your goals are always identical. But if you want something, then your mate wants it for you too.
5. Only one person can be crazy at a time. Life is seldom a smooth highway of cooperation. You get angry. Your mate becomes obsessed. Either one of you can become totally obnoxious. Buy you can't both go wild at the same time. One of you has to stay in adult mode.
Please be forewarned: sometimes these attacks of craziness last a long while. Days. Weeks. Months.
One of my more prolonged bouts came in 1971s when I started reading back-to-the-land literature. I spouted undigested theories about the beauty of nature versus the ugliness of modern civilization until your dad agreed to move to a three-acre farm. I bought a hundred chicks, two piglets and seeds for a garden - and commenced to learn a few realities, such as the relationship between manure and flies, between irrigation and weeds, between nurturing animals and arranging for their butchering. When I suggested we moved back to town, your father nodded his head in stalwart relief.
We laugh about it now, though other incidents even time hasn't made funny. Some of them wear my name, some wear his. Whenever you're feeling martyred, remember, your turn will come. So learn early two of the most important sentences in marriage: "I'm sorry" and "you're forgiven."
An acquaintance of ours pouts if her hu*****and forgets their wedding anniversary or the anniversary of the day they met. He appeases her by taking her out to a showy dinner every month or so - but otherwise he spends as little time with her as he can. They have fallen into a surface display of romance, perpetrated by the myths of an advertising age. It is a glossy shell that has little to do with the real thing.
The real thing has to do with love. And it isn't always glamorous - or easy. Love helps you get to the bathroom when you're sick. Love agrees to disagree on serious subjects. When you walk out the door in a rage, love trails after you, shouting "You can't get away from me! I love you, and I'll follow you wherever you go!"
And so in my sleepless hours, Robby and Johanna, I wish for you that moment when you look up and find someone watching you as if you were a candle - as if you were the only light in a world of darkness.
Note:
1. exotic fantasies 离奇的幻想
2. heroines 女主人公；反义词是heroes
3. forge yourselves into one unit 使两人结为一体
4. realm of possibility 属于可能的范围
5. forewarned 为fore（before）+warned
6. versus 相对于，简写为VS
7. piglets 小猪；后缀-let常用来表示小
8. stalwart relief 发自内心地松了口气
9. wear my name 与wear或name的字面意义都无关，而是指是我引起的
10. glossy shell 华而不实的外表
11. trails after 跟随
请阅读更多我的博客文章>>>
Fans sometimes think of me as an "expert" on love, but my children never ask my advice. When I try to give it anyway, they roll their eyes. To them, I'm just Mom - too impossibly old-fashioned and ordinary to understand the winds of their times.
Since they have reached their teens, however, their often painful searches for that special someone have left me sleepless many a night. There are so many things I wish for them that I am utterly powerless to provide. Sometimes I imagine a little scene. Robby and Johanna ask me, "Mom, how do I find true love?" Here is what I say:
1. Understand that love is a state of mind and heart. It is not dependent on beauty, physical strength or the romantic settings I use in my book. Though it may be begin with infatuation, it moves from physical attraction in a golden curve, often involving sacrifice, to the deepest bond between two people.
Love for me is specific: I speak of your father, Robert, my hu*****and of 23 years. To you our marriage is as plain as vanilla ice cream, but it is the core of my life. Ours is the kind of love to which romance novels are just a prelude.
Your dad doesn't arrange intimate dinners or second honeymoons. He doesn't bring me flowers. What he does is keep my car repaired and full of gasoline so I'll never be stranded. He vacuums the carpet when your grandmother is coming - not because he cares, but because he knows I care. Though your dad is not a pet person, when our old cat died, Robert buried him for me. He held me while I wept. After I'd mourned for several months, he encouraged me to adopt a kitten. So remember, true romance - the enduring kind - often comes so cleverly disguised it's easy to overlook.
2. Settle for nothing less than total commitment. I've seen couples live together in a "trial marriage." That seems as logical as biting into an orange to see if you have an appetite for an apple.
I know a man who has bitten one orange after another for years. He claims women are too "into themselves" to commit to a relationship, but he's got it backward. No one can open up the depths of her heart to a mere experiment.
A marriage certificate won't solve all your problems, but until you have the guarantee of one, you can't begin the struggle to forge yourselves into one unit against the world - the ultimate goal.
A mate is the post you can lean on, the person who, when you've really screwed up, loves you anyway. The only way to get that kind of mate is to make the dreadful leap of trust and be that kind of mate.
3. Talk about everything - expect divorce. I was not a talker when I met your dad. In my childhood, I'd learned that it was best to remain silent around my alcoholic father, who could twist any statement into a weapon. But Robert stubbornly refused to accept my silence. It was my first intimation of the strength of his love.
There is only one subject, we discovered, that should be taboo in a marriage: divorce. The mere mention of this word brings it into the realm of possibility.
Your father and I learned this the hard way. During a trying period years ago, I found myself calmly saying, "Maybe we should get a divorce." He answered, "Maybe we should."
How did we get to that point? Simply by mentioning the ugly "D" word in times of anger ("If we can't work things out we might have to consider divorce") and by slipping it sideways into discussions ("If we ever got a divorce...").
The day we frankly confronted the divorce option, we were not terribly angry with each other, but we had gradually let divorce become a real choice in our thinking. We made a pact, then and there, never again to mention the word "divorce" in association with us. We haven't dared break that pact in 17 years.
4. Want the best for each other. Being married doesn't mean that you are glued together. One of the wonderful things about love is that it binds without crippling. Remember not all your activities, friends or enthusiasms will be the same as your mate's.
When you father went back to college for his teaching degree, it meant starting over, but I wanted him to fulfill his potential. When I decided to abandon paramedical training and become a writer, he encouraged me.
Loving someone doesn't mean your goals are always identical. But if you want something, then your mate wants it for you too.
5. Only one person can be crazy at a time. Life is seldom a smooth highway of cooperation. You get angry. Your mate becomes obsessed. Either one of you can become totally obnoxious. Buy you can't both go wild at the same time. One of you has to stay in adult mode.
Please be forewarned: sometimes these attacks of craziness last a long while. Days. Weeks. Months.
One of my more prolonged bouts came in 1971s when I started reading back-to-the-land literature. I spouted undigested theories about the beauty of nature versus the ugliness of modern civilization until your dad agreed to move to a three-acre farm. I bought a hundred chicks, two piglets and seeds for a garden - and commenced to learn a few realities, such as the relationship between manure and flies, between irrigation and weeds, between nurturing animals and arranging for their butchering. When I suggested we moved back to town, your father nodded his head in stalwart relief.
We laugh about it now, though other incidents even time hasn't made funny. Some of them wear my name, some wear his. Whenever you're feeling martyred, remember, your turn will come. So learn early two of the most important sentences in marriage: "I'm sorry" and "you're forgiven."
An acquaintance of ours pouts if her hu*****and forgets their wedding anniversary or the anniversary of the day they met. He appeases her by taking her out to a showy dinner every month or so - but otherwise he spends as little time with her as he can. They have fallen into a surface display of romance, perpetrated by the myths of an advertising age. It is a glossy shell that has little to do with the real thing.
The real thing has to do with love. And it isn't always glamorous - or easy. Love helps you get to the bathroom when you're sick. Love agrees to disagree on serious subjects. When you walk out the door in a rage, love trails after you, shouting "You can't get away from me! I love you, and I'll follow you wherever you go!"
And so in my sleepless hours, Robby and Johanna, I wish for you that moment when you look up and find someone watching you as if you were a candle - as if you were the only light in a world of darkness.
Note:
1. exotic fantasies 离奇的幻想
2. heroines 女主人公；反义词是heroes
3. forge yourselves into one unit 使两人结为一体
4. realm of possibility 属于可能的范围
5. forewarned 为fore（before）+warned
6. versus 相对于，简写为VS
7. piglets 小猪；后缀-let常用来表示小
8. stalwart relief 发自内心地松了口气
9. wear my name 与wear或name的字面意义都无关，而是指是我引起的
10. glossy shell 华而不实的外表
11. trails after 跟随
请阅读更多我的博客文章>>>
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