【稍微改得通順些】海外逸士

稍微改得通順些

 

 

来源: [] [博客] [旧帖] [转至博客] [给我悄悄话] 本文已被阅读: 9次
回答: 请海先生鉴赏一段李翊云的文字NewVoice2012-08-29 03:32:45

His day started before sunrise, on March 21, 1979, when Teacher Gu woke up
and found his wife sobbing quietly into her blanket. 用finding his wife
sobbing 沒有這樣兩個並列謂語好﹐平衡 A day of equality it was for the appearance
of the sun and the moon. It had occurred to Teacher Gu many times when he
had pondered the date, the spring equinox, and again the thought came to
him: Their daughter's life would end on this day, when the sun wouldn't shine
on her any more. A day later the sun would come closer to her and to the
others in the other world, imperceptible perhaps to dull human eyes [如用
了at first 說明以後會perceptible], but birds and worms and trees and rivers
would sense the change [in the air沒必要用], [and they would make it their
responsibility to manifest the changing of seasons 四季的改變跟她死更
沒有關係了]. How many miles of frozen river melting and how many blossoms
on trees blooming would it take for the season to be called spring? But
such naming [what naming?] must mean little to the rivers and flowers, when
they repeat their rhythms of faithfulness and indifference. The date set
for his daughter to die was as arbitrary as her crime, determined by the
court, of being an unrepentant counterrevolutionary; only the unwise would
look for significance [in] on a random date. Teacher Gu willed his body
to stay still and hoped his wife would soon [realize] find out that he was
awake.
像這種描述要有強烈的哀傷語勢﹐現在太平淡。虎媽一篇很緊湊。寫作水平就在這
種地方顯示出來。

所有跟帖: 

请教:such naming 的不妥处,感谢! -sportwoman- 给 sportwoman 发送悄悄话 sportwoman 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/29/2012 postreply 18:30:03

這裡NAMING指向不清。 -海外逸士- 给 海外逸士 发送悄悄话 海外逸士 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 06:21:03

谢海老师! -sportwoman- 给 sportwoman 发送悄悄话 sportwoman 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 07:19:13

积极发问而且还越俎代庖。躲啦。。。 -sportwoman- 给 sportwoman 发送悄悄话 sportwoman 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/29/2012 postreply 18:35:43

借小曼的宝地谢谢海先生和各位!从讨论中受益匪浅。 -NewVoice- 给 NewVoice 发送悄悄话 NewVoice 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 04:44:05

欣赏声姐温文儒雅的气度!欣赏海先生的奉献精神! -sportwoman- 给 sportwoman 发送悄悄话 sportwoman 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 06:46:15

告诉大家出版社找人汉译英的潜规则 -李唐- 给 李唐 发送悄悄话 李唐 的博客首页 (153 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 10:35:59

据说英专的同学写的中文都有点别扭,因为表达方式都英语化了。 -midnightblue- 给 midnightblue 发送悄悄话 (184 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 12:20:24

走火入魔的人更喜欢“信”到极端。 -李唐- 给 李唐 发送悄悄话 李唐 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 08/30/2012 postreply 12:38:57

请您先登陆,再发跟帖!