1/5 Very First Zinger
JOE
Kathleen Kelly. Hello. What a
coincidence. Mind if I sit down?
KATHLEEN
Yes I do. I'm expecting someone.
Joe picks up her book, looks at it.
JOE
Pride and Prejudice.
Kathleen grabs it back.
KATHLEEN
Do you mind?
She places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.
JOE
I didn't know you were a Jane Austen
fan. Not that it's a surprise. I bet
you read it every year. I bet you just
love Mr. Darcy, and that your sentimental
heart beats wildly at the thought that he
and whatever her name is are really,
honestly and truly going to end up
together.
KATHLEEN
Would you please leave?
Joe sits down.
KATHLEEN
Please?
JOE
I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
Is he late?
KATHLEEN
The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is
Elizabeth Bennet and she's one of the
greatest, most complex characters ever
written, not that you would know.
JOE
As a matter of fact I've read it.
KATHLEEN
Well, good for you.
JOE
I think you'd discover a lot of things if
you really knew me.
KATHLEEN
If I really knew you, I know what I would
find -- instead of a brain, a cash
register, instead of a heart, a bottom
line.
Kathleen is shocked at herself.
JOE
What is it?
KATHLEEN
I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
thank you for it. For the first time in
my life, when confronted with a horrible,
insensitive person I actually knew what I
wanted to say and I said it.
JOE
I think you have a gift for it. It was a
splendid mixture of poetry and meanness.
KATHLEEN
Meanness? Let me tell you --
JOE
Don't misunderstand me, I'm just paying
you a compliment.
He lifts the book off the table. Kathleen grabs for it.
KATHLEEN
Why are you doing this?
She manages to get the book, leaving Joe with the rose.
JOE
What have we have? A red, no, crimson
rose, tucked into the pages. Something
you read about in a book, no doubt. One
of those books with a lady in a nightgown
on the cover about to throw herself off a
cliff.
She holds her hand out for it.
KATHLEEN (cont'd)
Give it to me.
Joe puts it between his mouth and his nose like a mustache.
JOE
It's a joke to you, isn't it?
Everything's a joke to you.
She grabs the rose. Puts it back in the book.
KATHLEEN (cont'd)
Please leave. I beg you.
JOE
Kathleen Kelly. Hello. What a
coincidence. Mind if I sit down?
KATHLEEN
Yes I do. I'm expecting someone.
Joe picks up her book, looks at it.
JOE
Pride and Prejudice.
Kathleen grabs it back.
KATHLEEN
Do you mind?
She places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.
JOE
I didn't know you were a Jane Austen
fan. Not that it's a surprise. I bet
you read it every year. I bet you just
love Mr. Darcy, and that your sentimental
heart beats wildly at the thought that he
and whatever her name is are really,
honestly and truly going to end up
together.
KATHLEEN
Would you please leave?
Joe sits down.
KATHLEEN
Please?
JOE
I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
Is he late?
KATHLEEN
The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is
Elizabeth Bennet and she's one of the
greatest, most complex characters ever
written, not that you would know.
JOE
As a matter of fact I've read it.
KATHLEEN
Well, good for you.
JOE
I think you'd discover a lot of things if
you really knew me.
KATHLEEN
If I really knew you, I know what I would
find -- instead of a brain, a cash
register, instead of a heart, a bottom
line.
Kathleen is shocked at herself.
JOE
What is it?
KATHLEEN
I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
thank you for it. For the first time in
my life, when confronted with a horrible,
insensitive person I actually knew what I
wanted to say and I said it.
JOE
I think you have a gift for it. It was a
splendid mixture of poetry and meanness.
KATHLEEN
Meanness? Let me tell you --
JOE
Don't misunderstand me, I'm just paying
you a compliment.
He lifts the book off the table. Kathleen grabs for it.
KATHLEEN
Why are you doing this?
She manages to get the book, leaving Joe with the rose.
JOE
What have we have? A red, no, crimson
rose, tucked into the pages. Something
you read about in a book, no doubt. One
of those books with a lady in a nightgown
on the cover about to throw herself off a
cliff.
She holds her hand out for it.
KATHLEEN (cont'd)
Give it to me.
Joe puts it between his mouth and his nose like a mustache.
JOE
It's a joke to you, isn't it?
Everything's a joke to you.
She grabs the rose. Puts it back in the book.
KATHLEEN (cont'd)
Please leave. I beg you.
2/5 Nothing But a Suit
KATHLEEN
No, I won't. Because the man who's
coming here tonight is completely unlike
you. The man who is coming here is kind
and funny -- he has the most wonderful
sense of humor --
JOE
But he's not here.
KATHLEEN
If he's not here, he has a reason,
because there is not a cruel or careless
bone in his body. I can't expect you to
know anything about a person like that.
You've nothing but a suit.
NY 152
INT. SIDEWALK CAFE - ANOTHER DAY
Kathleen and Joe having nachos.
JOE
So he didn't exactly answer.
KATHLEEN
He did too. He nailed me. He knew
exactly what I was up to. Which is just
like him.
JOE
But he didn't exactly answer, did he?
Did he?
KATHLEEN
No.
JOE
Maybe he's fat.
KATHLEEN
I don't care about that.
JOE
You don't care that he might be one of
those guys who's so fat he has to be
removed from his house with a crane?
KATHLEEN
That's very unlikely.
JOE
Why else do you think he's putting off
meeting you? Although... maybe that's
not it. Maybe...
KATHLEEN
What?
JOE
Never mind.
KATHLEEN
What????
JOE
He could be waiting til he's paroled.
KATHLEEN
Oh, you won't believe this, there was a
moment when George thought he might be
the rooftop killer, which was completely
ridiculous --
Her voice trails off, as she considers whether it could be
true.
JOE
What's his handle?
She shakes her head.
JOE
Come on, I'm not going to write him. Is
that what you think?
KATHLEEN
NY 152.
JOE
One five two. One hundred fifty two.
Very interesting. He's 152 years old.
He has 152 hairs remaining on his head.
He's had 152 moles removed and now he
has 152 pockmarks.
EXT. FARMER'S MARKET ON BROADWAY - LATER
As they walk past tables of bread and flowers, etc.
JOE
His combined college board scores.
KATHLEEN
His IQ.
JOE
The number of women he's slept with.
KATHLEEN
The number of times he's seen The
Godfather.
JOE
That's the first good thing I've heard
about him.
KATHLEEN
His address. No, no, no. He would never
do anything that prosaic.
4/5 What If
JOE
Sometimes I wonder...
KATHLEEN
What?
They stop walking, they look at each other.
JOE
If I hadn't been Foxbooks and you hadn't
been The Shop Around the Corner and we'd
just met --
KATHLEEN
Don't.
JOE
I would have asked for your phone number
and I wouldn't have been able to wait 24
hours before calling and asking, "How
about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie,
for as long as we both shall live?"
KATHLEEN
(almost a swoon)
Joe...
JOE
And then we would never have been at war.
KATHLEEN
No.
JOE
The only fight we'd ever have is what
video to rent on Saturday night.
KATHLEEN
Who fights about that?
JOE
Some people. Not us.
KATHLEEN
We would never.
A long beat.
JOE
If only...
KATHLEEN
Please. I have to go.
She doesn't move.
JOE
Let me ask you something? How come
you'll forgive him for standing you
up and you won't forgive me for a
little tiny thing like putting you
out of business?
Kathleen looks at him. Shakes her head.
They look at each other.
JOE
Oh how I wish you would.
It's all Kathleen can do not to forgive him.
It's all Joe can do not to kiss her.
KATHLEEN
I really do have to go.
JOE
You don't want to be late.
5/5 I Wanted It To Be You
Kathleen looks at her watch.
Suddenly she hears a noise. A dog barking.
And Brinkley comes around the corner.
VOICE
Brinkley! Brinkley!
And hold on Kathleen as she sees.
JOE
And she starts to cry.
And he comes to her. And puts his arms around her.
JOE
Don't cry, Shopgirl, don't cry.
KATHLEEN
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to
be you so badly.
And as they kiss, we hold on them.
And crane up and away as we see them, a couple kissing in the
park on a beautiful spring day.
A dog is leaping around them.
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