my husband was a 10 yr bio postdoc, I understand... That career

No matter how willing, he is not able to.  He is not that elite bright man 10 years ago anymore, he is a damaged, ruined soul.  You love him, raise him up.  You don't love him any more, leave him along.   Complaining only makes things worse, really won't do much help.  You have to be the strong one for you yourself, for your kids, your parents. That's the only way you guys can enjoy life a bit.   He may come out, may not. But for now, he doesn't have means to help himself...         Everyone here are saying the same thing: accept him or leave him.  I have to say, I agree.   I understand how painful it is... 

I am constantly not in good mood, I try but I am not always gentle and loving. I have this deep deep depression in my heart, caused by his absence in family life, his unwillingness to fight for a future, or availability to at least enjoy family, health, kids, the minimum we still have...   But I know I have to stand up for the kids, for my parents, and for myself.  It is hard, but they only have me.    As for him, he goes through cycles that he can't control.  I stay away from him, because I don't want to be hurt.  When he is back to a gentle loving person, I still enjoy time with him though... even though I know soon he will be gloomy and anxious and depressed again...    We are human, we are not God.  May God help us, help him !