Dear dyingmemory: Big hug. Sorry for your suffer. I know somebody exactly in your shoes. What helps? She told me what she has done:
- Stopped the self-blaming process. Started to praise herself for every small progress she had made. (I think you can praise yourself for running several miles instead of sitting there, and upset)
- Went to her hu*****and, tell him it is not her intense to hurt him and she did still love him, and the family they had. (I believe that's the common ground you and your hu*****and share.)
- Told him the problem she had and the fact that she just could not help herself. She asked him to help. (From your discreption, I can tell your hu*****and is kind, but he's out of idea what to do to help without you telling him the problem you have.)
I think 九月豆 has good thoughts in her article "其实我们很相爱，只是或许我可以多懂他一点" http://blog.wenxuecity.com/blogview.php?date=201102&postID=29371
You may have a deeper problem in your life and you just can’t express it. But I think no matter what it is, a happy family the ultimate goal in life. As long as you work it out with your hu*****and, you are the winner in life already.
Best wishes!
