我该何去何从？

i'm sorry for this long post, but there is no easy to way to describe it, and I cannot discuss this w. anyone and i'm getting kinda panicky thinking about this decision i have to make...

I've been been w. my bf for 7 months, and he's great. We were friends before that for about a year. I'm not 100% sure we are the most compatible couple (i'm 35, came to US 12 yrs ago for grad school, he's 33, born and grew up in N. America and culturally very white. Age is not the issue here, but cultural differences. Both of us said that I probably will be more compatible with someone a bit more Chinese than him, and he will be more compatible with someone less Chinese. BUT, he said I have a very good heart and I am beautiful, so he decided that he cannot let this pass. He is wonderful to me and we love each other dearly. He is well-read, smart, respectful to women, sporty, and fun to be with, and does not have any of the short-comings of my prior boyfriends (Chinese) which turned out to be deal breakers, i.g. big-manism and being verbally and physically abusive, being a mom’s boy and listens literally everything his mom says.

Both of us are out of jobs now due to the financial industry turmoil. My colleagues, parents, friends and families are all saying I should look for job opportunities in China, since my yrs of US experience including Wall Street exp will still be valuable assets to many Chinese companies/banks and my potential will be higher there. He is very American and will not be happy in China at all, even if he has a job there. (He does not read or write any Chinese, and his mandarin is very poor and far from functional. All his friends are Caucasian, either European or American, no Asian except me.)
For now he signed up for Canadian Navy (reserve right now) and will go to Canada to train for about 3-4 months. He said he always wanted to do that (to serve his country, ideally America, but he cannot because he is not a citizen), and now is the perfect time to do it due to lack of good jobs in the investment banking industry. He said he’d rather do that than taking a meaningless job which does not add anything to his resume. Also as on reserve he is not locked down so if any good jobs come up he can drop the navy thing and go for it.

I traveled to China recently and it feels the market is also slowing down. Good jobs are far and few in between. My friend who returned to China suggests that I move back, find an apt., and start networking with people in the investment community and the opportunities will come to me.

My bf said if there is lack of opportunities in the pro-longed period, he will join the Navy full time for a year or two, and he wants us to be together, he said we will be married and his navy salary, even not much, should be enough for us to live, and I can find some job in Canada, too. (He used to make very good money but they are all gone by now. He’s been living with me for the past several months and I am not letting him paying anything. I made less money than he did but I saved for investments, and now, unfortunately, for living expenses.)

So the question is whether I should go to China. I can sit here and look for a job in China, (which is hard to do given this market), or do what my friend suggested and just move back and look for a job. Regardless, going there will be the end of our relationship. (I have a green card so I can be back anytime, but it will mean the end of this relationship.) Part of me wants to go because I am 35 now and I cannot afford to wait years before I resume my career and my long-term potential is likely higher in China, plus my parents and most of my families are there. But, I will lose him and it brings tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Career set aside, I may be able to find someone compatible in China, but it won’t be easy. Many Chinese men prefer women young and pretty, less educated, make less $, and hopefully naïve and dependent. I do not fit in that profile, (my last yr’s pay was $300K, but don’t know if I will get close to that in China), even though I am very nice looking and I take good care of my body and skin, and I am smart, sophisticated, well educated and somewhat accomplished. Despite the fear of unknown, he has a good heart and he loves me. I just hate the idea having to end a relationship when it could have a chance to become something great. I have had enough heartburn in relationships to know that a good man is not that easy to find.

On the other hand, I just cannot imagine what I will do in Canada. Nor can I imagine how it feels to live with his parents when I do not have a job and am forced to munch on the in-laws (they both live in Canada and he is the only son. He said he will never be out of food and shelter, nor will I.).

He said if I am sure that I really want to be that close to my parents, and my potential is so much higher in China and my career is really important to me, he understands and I should not waste my time here. But if I have some confidence in the US and in us, he wants to be with me for life and we will figure things out. He said he is very happy spending time with me, despite that we are unemployed and don’t have money, and imagine when we do have $. But how and when we can figure things out? He does not know. My parents said, in a situation of pro-longed unemployment, even married couple will have problems.

I am really torn. What should I do?
Thanks.

所有跟帖： 

• Duke will be your rescue. He is kinda fortune teller -2526- ♂ (68 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 15:30:28

• 你的英文不错，赞一句。你妈说得对，俩人都失业是不行。在你这年龄 -Just-want-change- ♀ (54 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 15:58:28

• Thx. Tough question though. -honeybird- ♀ (1252 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:09:48

• It's not that difficult...... -报社记者- ♂ (667 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:42:38

• He said I am selling myself short by thinking I need to go to Ch -honeybird- ♀ (1075 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:44:02

• I think his view may be limited or short-shighted! -报社记者- ♂ (399 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:02:02

• 你在文中说你过去年薪是３０万美金，可现在没钱了，怎么花的？ -Simply_leaf- ♀ (206 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:18:14

• Come on, if she were Duke, she would've saved -2526- ♂ (113 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:32:36

• 你真逗。说正经的啊，我朋友中她这种情况的挺多，２５岁拿到MBA -Simply_leaf- ♀ (84 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:39:35

• That's why I said Duke is the diamond in the rough. -2526- ♂ (344 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:57:49

• That depends on what U peddle! There're gay men in China now! -报社记者- ♂ (32 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:59:02

• ２５岁拿到MBA r not good MBA. :-) -Guy100- ♂ (45 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:04:00

• Bingo -左右逢源- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:19:32

• Yeah, grapes less than 25 months old can't be sweet! -报社记者- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 20:02:49

• 回复：你在文中说你过去年薪是３０万美金，可现在没钱了，怎么花的？ -honeybird- ♀ (961 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:35:54

• 在网上，我就直说了吧。我觉得你们俩虽然是学金融的，但你们没管好自己的财富分配 -Simply_leaf- ♀ (298 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:52:17

• You have a point. But not sure what I'd have chosen differently -honeybird- ♀ (1028 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:31:30

• This is not about $, but whether I should choose China -honeybird- ♀ (442 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:41:19

• I hope this can put you in perspective once and for all -Simply_leaf- ♀ (622 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:10:18

• Problem is he is so NOT Chinese -honeybird- ♀ (588 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:49:57

• Neither were U so American! Were you so successful when -报社记者- ♂ (698 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:17:37

• I totally agree. His lack of flexbility and desire -honeybird- ♀ (305 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:25:12

• 呵呵，连你都在替他找借口了！男人33丝毫不比女人23更劣势 -报社记者- ♂ (440 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 23:04:08

• think I had more choices at 23:-). Not to find excuse for him -honeybird- ♀ (597 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 23:40:30

• Another ivy league? Wow, 左右, you've got competition -2526- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:00:38

• ivy league也分三六九等的,Princeton和Cornell能一样吗? -左右逢源- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:19:13

• 年薪是３０万美金 Leaf cannot make that much in 10 yrs :-) -guy100- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:27:59

• The grass on the other side is not greener... -clk430- ♂ (1367 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 16:24:27

• I have been thinking about this for months -honeybird- ♀ (447 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:48:20

• honeybird, how about work something out with him either in HK or -coolsnow- ♀ (55 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:45:46

• HK might be possible, but mainland China is out of the question -honeybird- ♀ (1171 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:57:16

• it's really a personal pref... I met quite a few US bankers ther -coolsnow- ♀ (24 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:02:33

• Yes, he is ABC. -honeybird- ♀ (697 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 20:37:34

• Then I'm sorry to say the future isn't bright for you -报社记者- ♂ (546 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:33:05

• I agree by staying I am sacrificing a lot -honeybird- ♀ (707 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:15:54

• Marrying U without even a ring is a BIG sacrifice? -报社记者- ♂ (397 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:47:40

• He is not willing to go to HK unless -honeybird- ♀ (169 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:59:43

• It is not easy to find a man as nice as your boyfriend in -水之南- ♀ (252 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 17:59:10

• 真复杂啊，全都搅在一块了 -111- ♀ (114 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:14:12

• 我又想了想，你也许还是回去一段时间比较好 -111- ♀ (196 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:25:45

• "bananas" are all like this. real ch men r much better -guy100- ♂ (98 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:49:39

• For him it is not "returning -honeybird- ♀ (2 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:18:47

• 可对你来说是呀？ -111- ♀ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:21:17

• He said having him to go to China is like to have me go to -honeybird- ♀ (291 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:22:12

• dump him，就这么简单，什么东西，切！ -111- ♀ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:24:05

• Pls don't judge. I appreciate your advice -honeybird- ♀ (988 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 23:57:10

• 听起来楼主爱他大大多于"他爱楼主".典型的不太负责的 -badwoman- ♀ (164 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:44:48

• 我仔细读了贴，也有这样的感觉 -111- ♀ (121 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:51:40

• To be fair, he was looking for a job in Europe -honeybird- ♀ (924 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:13:27

• 这已经不是更中国人与否的问题了，而是他是不是真心爱你！ -报社记者- ♂ (216 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 21:53:23

• It seems that he chooses Canadian Navy over you. -LAChinese- ♂ (396 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:49:51

• exactly. self-centered western men cannot be relied upon -Guy100- ♂ (0 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 18:53:34

• Self-centered! WTF is that! Just say "SELFISH", people! -报社记者- ♂ (133 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 22:07:56

• here is what you can do -聂耳- ♂ (235 bytes) () 11/13/2008 postreply 19:33:43

• Ask yourself what you want: a relationship with great -bluevelvet2007- ♀ (303 bytes) () 11/15/2008 postreply 23:49:01