1 优秀象棋手 A good Chess Player
A man went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" He explained, "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen!"
"No, he's not so smart." The friend replied," I've beat him three games out of five"
2 唯物主义的人 A Materialistic Man
A man opened the door of his BMW,when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer,look what they've done to my BMW", he whined.
"You are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my God!" replied the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!"
3 醉汉 A drunk
A police officer pulls over a guy who has been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Ok, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I am sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I am too drunk to do that."
4 致命的错误！ Fatal Mistake!
Fred had been a faithful husband and father. He was now in the hospital, near death. His family called their pastor to be with them at the hospital. As the preacher stood next to his bed, Fred's condition seemed to suddenly deteriorate and he motioned frantically that he wanted to write something. The pastor tenderly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred seemed to use his last bit of energy to scribble something before he had a final spasm and died. The pastor thought it best not to look at Fred's note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. The same pastor officiated at Fred's funeral a couple days later. As he was finishing the service, he realized he was wearing the same jacket he had been wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm quite sure there's a word of inspiration there for all of us." He opened the note, and read, "MOVE . . . you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
5 导游 A Tourist Guide
A young Dublin university student with a distinctive Dublin accent - which I wish I could reproduce! was acting as a guide in Anne Hathaway's cottage in Stratford-on-Avon; his job was to show people Shakespeare's personal effects. The student did with great reverence: he would say "Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the bed of Mr. William Shakespeare!" The group of people he was conducting took photos and were suitably deferential; the student took them to the kitchen, picked up a pot and in a similarly reverential voice announced: ladies and gentlemen - the pot in which Mr. Shakespeare made his porridge. More photos, more appropriate deference. Leading his group into Shakespeare's study the student picked up a tiny skull; he held it as any sacred relic should be held and in a hushed voice said: "Ladies and gentlemen - the skull of William Shakespeare!" You could hear a feather drop such was the reverence and awe until a snotty nosed, plummy voiced Etonian adolescent brat pompously dismissed the skull: "Rubbish! - that couldn't possibly be the head of Shakespeare - it's far too small". The Dublin student, sniffed scornfully and in the most measured voice retorted: "Excu u - u - u - se me - that is the skull of Mr. William Shakespeare when he was twelve".
6 5岁的回答 An Answer by a Five-year-old
Five-year-old Becky answers the door when the census-taker knocks. He asks, "Is your daddy at home?" She says, "No, he's performing an appendectomy." "That's a big word for someone so young. Do you know what it means?" "Sure, it means $1,500, not including the anesthesiologist."
(from internet)
