回复：回复：改了一些语法问题

 

昨天有空，看到caixia要人修改文章，一时兴起，替他/她修改了一下。我是从修改作文的角度来改的，不是替他/她润色。原则是尽量保留原文的意思，作些字面修改，不把别人的东西改得面目全非，所以说“改了一下语法问题”。如果要做深沉修改，还有很多可动。比如，就拿第一句来说:

原文：I knew Dr. H first as a teacher when she was teaching ＃＃course in spring 2006.

1. 这个knew没有缘由，故改作came to know。

2. “she was teaching”就已经告诉我们她是老师，故删除“first as a teacher”。

3. “I came to know Dr. H”是主要的，所以“in spring 2006”放在Dr. H后更好。

4. 如果不顾原文地痛快地改，这个“she was teaching”应该改作I took her＃＃course.  

即：I knew came to know Dr. H first as a teacher  in spring 2006 when she was teaching I took her ＃＃course in spring 2006.

下面是我对你改文的答复：

Although many years have passed, some of the episodes that took place in the class are still vivid to me. This may be because that class was the first one I took after I was accepted into # university. 

==> After so many years, I still clearly remember many things about the class, probably because it was the first course I took after being accepted by the university.

答复：

(1) Caixia原来的are still vivid to me并没有错。没错的东西，作为一个作文老师能不改就不要改，不一定非要按自己的思路来写。

你的改文

a. 你改文里的things太笼统，

b. after being accepted by the university太沉重。

c. 你的改句有些堆砌，从头到尾读一下，感觉一下是不是这样？I came to know Dr. H in spring 2006 when she was teaching＃＃course. After so many years, I still clearly remember many things about the class, probably because it was the first course I took after being accepted by the university.

d. 你的改句跟第一句在意念上衔接不上。第一句说的是“我2006年春认识Dr. H…， 很多年后，我仍能记得…”，改句的意思是“我2006年春认识Dr. H…，因为那是我的第一堂课，所以很多年后，我仍能记得…”。

你的这个改文应该改作：After so many years, I can still remember many classroom happenings. This is probably because that was the first course I took in the university.

       2.     As an international freshman 

 Being an international student…

答复:

你的改文少了一层意思，应该改作being an international student and a freshman, 不过，being 结构在这里太沉重。

3.     and then asked her to be my major an advisor for my major in 2007. 

==> and then asked her to be my major advisor in 2007. (the original version is better)

答复：

(1) major advisor会引起歧义，到底是“主要的advisor”还是“作我专业的advisor”?

(2) 你把英语喜爱的平行句改成了非平行句。原文是平行的：I asked Dr. H to serve as a member in the committee for my Master degree in fall 2006, and an advisor for my major in 2007.

4.     as well as personal life 

==> as well as to my personal life

答复：

这个to 可以省略.比如I went to the library as well as to the restaurant 可以说成I went to the lirbrary as well as the restaurant.

5.     She was always able to solve the problems for me… 

==> She has always been very helpful whenever I have problems…

答复：

你的改文更好一点，但他/她的并不错，可留之则留之。

6.     professional aspects traits 

==>  professionalism

答复：好！

7.     she was also had a caring and considerate personality  

==> she is caring and considerate (original version is better)

答复：

In addition to her professional traits, she was caring and considerate 严格地说搭配不协调。比如 In addition to the big house, she also has many cars改成下面的说法就不好：In addition to the big house, she is also rich in the number of cars.所以she was caring and considerate 本身是对的，但放在这里不好。最好说 She was very professional, caring, and considerate 或者（虽然我不喜欢用沉重的being）, apart from being professional, she was also caring and considerate.