She has lots of good ideas in the essay and that is a good start for the first draft. If this is the final draft, it could be a C for high school writing, and it won’t work well as college application essay.
1st problem is the structure. Let's pick a simple topic for this essay: give me 3 three reasons why you want to major in XXX in college. If she can list 3 reasons that motivate her, and structure the essay in 5-paragraph format, it will go smoother.
2nd problem, make sure only include the relevant information to support the ideas. The part about Ming dynasty adds exotic flavor to the writing and showcases her history knowledge, but it is more of a distraction than a help. Since there is a limit on the length, she needs to be very careful to cut out those cute but irrelevant ideas.
3rd problem, grammar and wording need lots of work. If she hasn’t been in US long, find some native high school kids to help her out on that. English is a literally a living and breathing thing, she has to put in time in order learn it, there is no other way around that.
Best of luck
