下面那个外国人译的《沁园春 雪》,我觉得有下列不足,贴出来供大家讨论(见评论)。
北国风光,
North country scene:
千里冰封,
A hundred leagues locked in ice,
评:为在下一行避用音节过多的a ten thousand leagues of,这里改“千”为“百(a hundred leagues of)”,范围比原文少十倍,气势不如原文。
万里雪飘。
A thousand leagues of whirling snow.
评:为避用音节过多的a ten thousand leagues of,改“万”为“千”(a thousand leagues of),范围比原文少了十倍,气势不如原文。
望长城内外,
Both sides of the Great Wall
评:少译“望”字,改原文的“有我”为“无我”。
惟余莽莽;
One single white immensity.
大河上下,
The Yellow River's swift current
顿失滔滔。
Is stilled from end to end.
评:still一词力度不够。可译为 … lost in the freeze.
山舞银蛇,
The mountains dance like silver snakes
原驰蜡象,
And the highlands charge like wax-hued elephants,
欲与天公试比高。
Vying with heaven in stature.
须晴日,
On a fine day, the land,
评:“须晴日”告诉我们诗中所描写的“雪”是特定的一场雪,“须晴日”的意思就是等那场雪过后;而On a fine day暗示非特定的雪,意思是任何雪天后的天晴日。意思不够准确。
看红装素裹,
Clad in white, adorned in red,
评:虽然有很多人把“看红装素裹”理解成“大地上红白相映”,其实这个理解是错误的。“看红装素裹”,其寓意是待到天晴时,一切白色都会转换为红色,革命力量一定会遍布大地。所以,译文Clad in white, adorned in red有点不可思议,因为它的意思是:待到天晴时,大地仍会被白色包围,红色只是装点。
分外妖娆。
Grows more enchanting.
江山如此多娇,
This land so rich in beauty
引无数英雄竞折腰。
Has made countless heroes bow in homage
评:“引无数英雄竞折腰”里的“折”字告诉我们,这些英雄们更多的是为国家奋斗而献身,而bow in homage只表示一种敬佩。
惜秦皇汉武,
But alas! Qin Shihuang and Han Wudi
略输文采;
Were lacking in literary grace,
唐宗宋祖,
And Tang zong and Song zu
稍逊风骚。
Had little poetry in their souls;
一代天骄,
成吉思汗,
And Genghis Khan
Proud son of heaven for a day,
评:“一代”是“一世”的意思,不是“一天(for a day)”
只识弯弓射大雕。
Knew only shooting eagles, bow outstretched.
评:原文干净利索,译文bow outstretched给人附加感。
俱往矣,
All are past and gone!
数风流人物,
For truly great men
还看今朝。
Look to this age alone.