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How to deal with a partner's depression

How to deal with a partner's depression

10 tips on learning to help the one you love without hurting yourself.

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Depression is hard enough to cope with when it's your own, but what if it's your spouse or partner who is suffering? This can complicate a relationship and place strain on both of you -- but there are ways of coping. Anne Sheffield is the author of several books about depression, including Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond (HarperCollins, 2003). Here, she provides some helpful tips for maintaining a strong relationship in the face of depression.

1. Bring it up, carefully
If you suspect your spouse or partner is depressed, take care when broaching the subject. Most likely you have noticed some uncharacteristic behaviour, but don't be accusatory, Sheffield says. It's best to be as straightforward as possible when bringing up the possibility of depression. "Overcoming denial is the first big hurdle for the depressed individual," she says. So, remaining composed and impartial is the best way to begin a discussion with your partner.

2. Don't take it personally
Someone who is depressed can show many mood swings, from anger and frustration to sadness and lethargy. He or she may even lash out at loved ones depending on how they feel, but try not to take it personally. Granted, this is extremely difficult, but it's important to realize depression makes people irrational, Sheffield says. "Often, depression can look like a personality change. It distorts thinking and causes people to say things they may not mean," she says. Try to take this into consideration when you get angry at the way your spouse or partner is acting or when you're upset with what he or she has said.

3. Establish boundaries
When depression is present, boundaries must be set in the household, says Sheffield. This helps both partners go about their daily lives with as much normalcy as possible. These can include things like making sure each person gets to air his or her concerns or worries at least once a week without being judged, no arguing before bed, or no fighting in front of the children.

4. Keep lines of communication open
If your spouse or partner suffers from depression, you must continue to communicate as a couple. "Don't let depression be the elephant in the room," Sheffield says. There should be a team approach so the non-depressed person can help his or her spouse every step of the way through treatment. A full, engaged dialogue is required to keep the relationship intact and the bond strong, Sheffield explains. After all, you have a totally different perspective on their depression than they do. You may be better able to notice if and when they need a different dosage of antidepressants or be aware of any other significant changes that should be discussed concerning treatment. Doing so can greatly help both of you, Sheffield says. "Both of you have to make an effort and deal with it as you would any other problem in your relationship."

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