College Essay 系列 (二十八):Hardly Essay (4) 麻工WL文书

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白人女生MIT的WL文书

Prompt: Topic Engaging

Digging my needle into her knee, I carve out three distinct dimples. Armed with a repurposed dental tool, I create a long dent down her thigh revealing powerfully flexed muscles. This six-inch-tall clay gymnast lays sprawled out in front of me, her torso and legs detached. I look at the clock: 12:30 AM. Perfect. I can still work a while longer. Taking a small volume of clay, I squeeze it between my fingers into a tiny triangular wedge — the beginnings of a foot.

Removing my own foot from the warmth of its slipper, I point my toes. Muscles Hexed, bones bulging, I study its contours. Turning back to the clay wedge. I slice a little bit off one edge. I tum again to my own foot and observe for a while, tum back to the clay, back to my foot, and so on, little by little carving away the distinct features of my flesh.

It is an anatomy lesson as well as a sculpting session. I cannot simply grind out the rest of my project; each step requires careful planning and consideration. Leonardo Da Vinci spent hours studying cadavers to understand their structure prior to attempting to draw them. In my hand now rests a tiny, athletic, pointed-toe foot.

I look at the clock again: 2:15 AM. Already? Pushing back my chair, I reach my arms behind me and throw my head backwards in a long stretch. My back is sore in the best way possible.

Walking into Physics the next day, I keep visualizing my sculpture. My end goal is to have six gymnasts on a balance beam, each frozen in an instant of dramatic motion: jumping, spinning. flipping. Looking at the mechanics equation sheet in front of me, I know that physics will play an integral role in the success — or failure — of my sculpture. Each girl has to be precisely balanced, or else she will topple over.

My sister walks by and laughs. "What the heck? Why are you watching so much gymnastics?"

I click the link to Simone Bile's beam routine at the 2016 Olympics, continuing my research. As she winds up her arms for a front-flip, I switch to quarter-speed. Even slowed down, her movements are powerful. Muscles tightening like a spring, her legs recoil into her chest. I play the clip again, and again, studying the contours of her muscular frame. Her hair whips around, pointed straight outward from her head due to the centripetal force of her spin.

That's it! The key to my sculpture: her straight hair. For weeks I have been wracking my brain to figure out how to create a gymnast frozen in the middle of a front flip. She can't just float in mid-air, but how can I attach her to a surrounding figure Without the final product looking crowded and clunky? The solution: her straight hair frozen in the middle of

her flip provides the ideal concealment for a piece of sturdy wire to be fed from her body, through her head, and into the outstretched arm of the adjacent figure without ever revealing itself.

Whenever I make a new sculpture I approach it from both an artistic and scientific, engineering mindset. Before making an indent, I seek to understand the fundamentals of what I am making, just as I seek to understand the Universe in any physics or math class. It is through this blending of art and science that I can succeed in making the final product visually captivating yet structurally sound. The artistic and scientific process of materializing a sculpture from a mental blueprint never ceases to excite me.

= = = 我的评论 = = =

惯例,还是先说好话。

这篇文书读完,我觉得是惊艳。作者把一个雕塑设计过程,描述得让读者有观摩达芬奇创作的质感了。六位动感的美国国家体操队员,被作者雕塑成一件凝固的作品,怎么展现呢?当然要熟知动作的特色,又要保证飞在空中的人体的支点和平衡。如果是一般的雕塑者,一定会想到在人体内加一个硬体支架,然后用人体在外面包裹起来就好了。

但是作者没有,她只用clay。并且要给每一个动体找一个自身最平衡的支撑点。最后,对于Simone Bile,2016年里约奥运会五块金牌得主,作者创造性地用头发(空中甩出的马尾辫)做支撑。有趣啊。有趣!

词汇能力更是不肖多言。Dimple, torso, slip, hex, bulge, topple, wind, clip, coil, clunky, cease,丰富的象声词汇。还有个 anatomy lesson – sculpting session 这样的 rhyming juxtaposition。这位作者真是个好笔头。

把艺术和科学结合,这是个非常好的价值点。这篇文书故事就是作的创造性的绝佳表现。

我真的没有什么可以说坏话的地方。但是,MIT给了作者一个WL。

麻工大神们是真的看不出这个作者的价值吗?不是。记得我以前讨论麻工文书价值的那篇讲过,麻省理工不需要好文章。他们读了好文章,就会想到你是哈佛的菜。那就不敢录你了,特别是当你也确实符合H的profile时。

事实也是如此。这篇作者,真的在被MIT小气地WL之后,接连收到Y、P、S录取了。可惜的是,H拒了本文作者。这也不能奇怪。2021-22年度的RD阶段,可怜的哈佛AO们也没什么时间读过所有的好文书。这篇就被错过了。

这篇,要是REA阶段申请H,就一定会录取的。可是她为什么没有申H-REA呢?因为作者是个STEMer,她在EA阶段申了 CalTech (Accepted) 和 U-Chicago (Defer),就不可以再申Harvard的REA了啦。多数的牛娃在早申阶段都是很保守的,降半级申请。有EA但又挑剔的的CalTech和UChi,就很少给出offer来。而这位牛娃,拿到CalTech的EA是运气好罢了。芝大不就给她Defer啦。

文书,要写到恰到好处,既是技术,也靠运气。

 

 


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所有跟帖: 

essay没啥用,离开了profile的essay更没法判断,你是overread -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:41:33

后羿是这么认为嫦娥的。。。 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (110 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:46:08

M只有几个小文书,没有要长文书啊 -Snowleaf- 给 Snowleaf 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:42:00

There is also one final, open-ended, additional-information -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (243 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:49:02

那个是个小text box,应该只是写篇幅很短的小文 -Snowleaf- 给 Snowleaf 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:58:36

这个故事,是被作为申请一部分提交的。作者只公布Common App版本 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (297 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:03:30

我看了下文章。选题不好,指向太明显,不太自然,有点矫揉造作 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:49:00

文书本身我可能给A,但是不会给她申请加分 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:50:36

所以,即使我们很有自信了,我们对申请其实还是把握的很不准的。 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:52:02

她被Y、P、S都录了。H拒了,也许你的意见也被H的AO认可了? -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:50:36

我觉得是人太多了,H就没仔细看她的。那年H招办兵荒马乱的 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (93 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:58:51

essay不能写太复杂的东西 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:01:09

同意,但这篇不复杂吧。还是您认为我解读的过于复杂? -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:05:36

所以,选题选角度有问题,达不到她要的艺术效果 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:09:00

那么,为什么比M 更有艺术气氛的Y、P、S录了她? -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:16:10

AO懂个啥。我只是说我的看法 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:21:19

我也是这个意思。AO懂个啥。 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (97 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:32:13

你去看看成功P写的小散文。essay差不多最理想的就是那类 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:53:54

都是小事,感情流露自然,折射文化成长背景 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:55:07

找不到了,你有保存吗? -haohaizi- 给 haohaizi 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:11:41

比如这篇,没几行字,总有一个画面留在你脑子里 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (171 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:16:44

当然了,中文是她母语,分寸掌握得好 -avw- 给 avw 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:18:19

好建议。等我有时间仔细拜读 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:56:37

学到了。谢谢分享. -haohaizi- 给 haohaizi 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 08:56:52

如果呆呆真的进了M,那就说明M真不在乎essay -数与形- 给 数与形 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:10:15

M的文书,恰到好处 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (181 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:18:57

我觉得写的很好,文采。但是对于M,essay之外的东西有多少就不知道了。。。 -两女宝妈- 给 两女宝妈 发送悄悄话 两女宝妈 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:16:44

小声告诉你。 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (295 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:28:23

明白你的意思。这个对于新手来说,是一个从来没想过的点. -haohaizi- 给 haohaizi 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:34:21

太好了,恭喜她 -两女宝妈- 给 两女宝妈 发送悄悄话 两女宝妈 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:38:09

MP对女生来说确实比较多交集,这位的文书,写的东西还是很独特的,虽然读起来有点不够惊艳 -米汤- 给 米汤 发送悄悄话 米汤 的博客首页 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 10:10:46

是一个理科生写的东西,虽然能用多样的词汇,但句子句型结构很呆板,有点生硬。在理科生中不错了。 -windyLL- 给 windyLL 发送悄悄话 (251 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:18:32

您是第二位有这观点的,第一个是avw。 -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (123 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:21:48

也不完全是简单复杂的问题,最大的缺陷是格局太小,也许她其它文章已经有了大局了,这篇专门讲小我。 -windyLL- 给 windyLL 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:25:34

这个essay 真是复杂啊。问一下,essay能写段子或者笑话吗?觉得AO好幸苦,能让他笑笑,不知道能博好感吗 -haohaizi- 给 haohaizi 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:23:55

Occasionally only -贾平凸- 给 贾平凸 发送悄悄话 贾平凸 的博客首页 (45 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:29:48

记得这篇3A,当时觉得虽然一眼望去全是“I—我”,但都是短句子,读起来有力 -米汤- 给 米汤 发送悄悄话 米汤 的博客首页 (234 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 10:23:17

刚发给老二看,他回 -数与形- 给 数与形 发送悄悄话 (1430 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:26:56

有道理。对我这个水平一般的读者来说,这篇文章没有读下去的欲望. -haohaizi- 给 haohaizi 发送悄悄话 (0 bytes) () 12/13/2022 postreply 09:29:05

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