伦敦讯--今天，英国女王伊丽萨白二世，出人意料地发表电视讲话，建议英国收回对美国的统治。
从白金汉宫她的办公室向美国人民喊话，女王说， “认识到你们当前令人绝望的处境”所以她提供这个建议。
她说，“这个历时240年的自治实验，想法是蛮好的，不过我认为现在大家都同意了，结局不甚美好。”
女王敦促美国人选举日在选票上写入她的名字，然后美国向英国统治的过渡就能“波澜不惊地”地开始了。
伊丽莎白承认，英国脱欧可能使得美国人对英国议会制度的治理方式产生很正当的警觉，但是她向他们保证，“英国议会制度与这件事情毫不相干。美国回归的，将是英国老派正统的郡主制。就我嘛。然后，假定你们不要查尔斯，我们可以直接传给威廉和令你们着迷的他的孩子们。”
末了，为推动这件事，女王向美国选民毫不掩饰地亮出了她的竞选资格：第一，她从来不用Email，第二，她一生只跟这一个男人“偶尔”有性关系。
原件：
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.
Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.
The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
（这是Andy Borowitz 为 NewYorker 写的一则幽默。）
