By San
A thousand days older, wiser and wearier.
On the 24th I was working. It was a fairly normal day, I suppose my biggest concerns in life at that time were the interest rate on my mortgage, where I would go for my vacation that winter, and when my paper would come back from the reviewers.
I was checking the news periodically because of the situation on the Belarussian border, but I couldn’t decide if it was something to worry about or media sensationalism. At around 3pm my time the news struck. It quite literally struck: “Explosions in Kyiv”. The capital of the largest country in Europe was under attack. It got worse as I got home, pictures of holes all the way through highrise appartment buildings, columns of tanks that were kilometers longs, millions of people fleeing to safety and of course russian news saying that it was all fake. There are images from those first few days that will stick with me forever. The young boy crossing the Polish border in tears perhaps affected me the most.
I didn’t know very much about Ukraine at this point. We had a game called Carmen San Diego as kids, and I remember “Kiev” as the city with domed buildings. I knew about the president and his fateful phone call with Trump. I knew that Crimea had been annexed but I didn’t fully understand how and why. In those first few days it seemed the entire world was in shock,… until the whole world was an expert on everything to do with Ukraine and everyone should have seen this coming. Everyone will have their own reasons why these events affected them, but for me it was the sheer scale and the audacity.
This wasn’t supposed to happen again.
Today is 1000 days since the start of the full scale invasion, the “big” war — as one of my students calls it. It’s hard to know if people in the world are still shocked, still concerned, if I’m in an info-bubble or if everything I read is being manipulated. But I don’t feel shock any more at the sight of holes in buildings, grotesque injuries, dead bodies, or displaced children.
My friends in Ukraine are tired and they want the horror to end. But they keep going because they have no choice in the matter. I am tired, and I want the horror to end and I have the choice to switch off for a while. Because I’m not there… physically.
On the idea of visiting Ukraine, one friend said to me — “You should come soon or I may not be here” another said — “You should come soon or Ukraine may not be here”.
It’s important to remember what has changed in 1000 days. I have a few grey hairs now and the strain has added up. On the other hand I have met so many wonderful friends, students, mentors and “volunpeers”, that I feel more connected to others than I ever have before. I’ve learnt so much, done so much and I believe that we’ve made something beautiful in Balakun. Some days it feels like a miracle, and some days it is not enough.
So I meet 1000 days with a head full of resolve and heart full of love. For me it would be naive to say that this war is about Good, Evil, Freedom, Tyranny, Democracy, Dignity… In my opinon it is much simpler. It is about Love. One side in this war fights for the people they love and the other does not.
爱与战争的一千个日子
作者：San
历经千日，更添智慧，亦感疲惫。
那年2月24日，我正在工作。那本是非常平凡的一天，大概我当时生活中最大的烦恼就是房贷利率、冬天要去哪里度假，还有论文什么时候会收到审稿回复。
我一直都有在关注白俄罗斯边境的情势，但我不确定该不该担心，或许这只是媒体的夸大。下午三点左右，新闻传来，简直是晴天霹雳：“基辅发生爆炸。” 欧洲最大的国家首都正遭受攻击。等到回家的时候，情况变得更糟，铺天盖地的高楼公寓被炸出大洞、绵延数公里的坦克车队的照片，还有数百万人逃离家园，当然，还有俄罗斯新闻宣称一切都是假的。那些最初几天的景象将永远烙印在我的脑海里。尤其是那个含泪独自跨越波兰边境的年轻男孩，对我的冲击最为深刻。
那时候，我对乌克兰的了解并不多。小时候玩过一个叫《环游世界捉迷藏》的游戏，只记得“基辅”是个有圆顶建筑的城市。我知道他们的总统，以及他与川普那通至关重要的电话。我知道克里米亚被吞并了，但并不完全理解个中原委。在最初的几天里，全世界都感到震惊…直到全世界都成了乌克兰专家，好像每个人早就预料到这一切会发生。每个人都会有自己的理由来解释这些事件对他们的影响，但对我而言，冲击最大的是其规模和胆大妄为。
这种事不该再次发生
今天是全面入侵开始后的第1000天，也就是我的学生口中的“大”战争。不知道现在世界上的人们是否仍然感到震惊、仍然关心，或者我身处于信息茧房中，又或者我所读到的一切都被操纵了。但我不再对那些建筑物的破洞、骇人的伤口、尸体，或流离失所的儿童感到震惊。
我在乌克兰的朋友们很疲惫，他们希望这场噩梦结束。但他们别无选择，只能继续坚持下去。我也感到疲惫，我也希望这场噩梦结束，但我有选择可以暂时封闭自己。因为我不在那里…至少身体上不在。
对我拜访乌克兰的想法，一位朋友对我说：“你最好快点来，不然我可能不在了。”另一位朋友则说：“你最好快点来，不然乌克兰可能不在了。”
重要的是我们要记住，这1000天来发生了什么变化。我现在多了几根白头发，压力也越来越大。但另一方面，我也结识了许多很棒的朋友、学生、导师和“自愿伙伴”，我觉得自己比以往任何时候都更与他人紧密相连。我学到了很多，做了很多，而且我相信我们在 Balakun 创造了一些有价值的事物。有些时候，我觉得像个奇迹，但有些时候，这还远远不够。
所以我以充满决心和爱的心，迎接这第1000天。对我来说，如果说这场战争是关于善良、邪恶、自由、暴政、民主、尊严…那就太天真了。在我看来，这样说太简单了。这一切都是关于爱。这场战争中的一方，是为了他们所爱的人而战，而另一方则不是。
