家有爱写作的娃妈来报道

来源: 2019-08-11 23:25:11 [] [旧帖] [给我悄悄话] 本文已被阅读: 次 (28853 bytes)

家里小朋友很今年12岁,很喜欢写作文,想要和大家交流一下,这是她去年写的一个故事,参加本地图书馆的scary story的征文,题目要求用到划线的几个词。我觉得很好,但是没进前三名,想听听高手的意见。

The Mark of the Diamond

  Trinity shivered. She didn’t want to be here. And yet here she was, standing before a towering, grimy mansion, its gruesome walls padded with moss and rotted ivy. Her father’s hand slipped protectively into hers. Though somewhat money hungry, Trinity’s father was a kindhearted, loving man. 

  They were part of an expedition to find a diamond, which would open the will othe owner of the huge manor. No living man had entered the solemn house and returned alive after he died. Now, only five were brave enough to venture in: the head of the group, his assistant, a politician, Trinity, and her father.

  The organizer of the team stepped boldly to the door and motioned for his assistant to open it. He strode through the ancient stone arc. The aide quickly followed. The politician held the door open as Trinityand her father passed. 

  When they were inside, Mr. Cameron turned to face his crew, only to find just two were left behind. The deputy and the politician lay dead on the floor. There was only a trembling girl, her horror-stricken father, and himself.

 They examined the bodies of the dead men. On the palm of each person’s right hand was a triangular mark, dripping with ichor.

  “Look!” gasped Trinity, pointing at the door. They looked. The latch was the same shape as the strange mark on the dead men’s hands.

  “Well,” Mr. Cameron articulated, “You-” he pointed at Trinity’s father, “-examine the front door. The latchmay contain the diamond. Your daughter will go with me. She will be safe.” With those last words, he gripped her hand and sauntered towards the other end of the hall. As she turned, Trinity mouthed, “Don’t touch it, whatever you do.”

  Mr. Cameron led Trinity to a small room and carefully locked her in. He sighed. “I’m sorry. Youmust be safe” Trinity was afraid. She gave a high-pitched scream.

  Meanwhile, her father had wrapped a handkerchief around the handle of the front door. He grasped it and pulled gently. A sparkling diamond in the shape of a triangle popped out and lay on the cloth. Then, he heard Trinity’s keening, ululating shriek. He was startled, and the handkerchief slipped. Trinity’s father instinctively grabbed the diamond and sprinted towards the sound of her voice. 

  He knocked his head onto the door of the room in which his daughter was locked upand he died.Through a crack in the door, Trinity could see that inhis palm lay the diamond. He had the same scar-like mark. Mr. Cameron seized the diamond and fell to the ground a moment later, no longer alive. The diamond slipped into a small pool of blood from her father. Itbegan to glow with a coldfrightening radiance. As the light engulfed them, they stood up, dead, yet alive.Then, footsteps sounded from outside.

   Trinity saw the members of the expedition, in the same state as the other two. They walked to the diamond, then faced the door. She was a helpless girl, cornered by the dead that came back to life.



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所有跟帖: 

写得不错,这个年龄的文章已经开始有政治上的正确性了,尤其是图书馆征文比赛 -tax2- 给 tax2 发送悄悄话 tax2 的个人群组 (245 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 05:29:03

谢谢,没有纠结得奖 -葡萄团子妈- 给 葡萄团子妈 发送悄悄话 葡萄团子妈 的个人群组 (116 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 09:15:45

本地小比赛的偶然性很大,不用介意。 -红兰花花- 给 红兰花花 发送悄悄话 红兰花花 的博客首页 红兰花花 的个人群组 (246 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 08:30:49

谢谢好建议,会让她去看看人家怎么写的 -葡萄团子妈- 给 葡萄团子妈 发送悄悄话 葡萄团子妈 的个人群组 (289 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 09:22:32

看“人家”的意义不大,小朋友不必overfit。 -古代的事物- 给 古代的事物 发送悄悄话 古代的事物 的个人群组 (96 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 11:42:22

谢谢,你说的很对,应该考虑怎么引导她。 -葡萄团子妈- 给 葡萄团子妈 发送悄悄话 葡萄团子妈 的个人群组 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:17:10

得奖的文章你应该可以看得见,你和你老公看一下就知道为什么了 -tax2- 给 tax2 发送悄悄话 tax2 的个人群组 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:06:54

是的 -葡萄团子妈- 给 葡萄团子妈 发送悄悄话 葡萄团子妈 的个人群组 (0 bytes) () 08/12/2019 postreply 13:18:10

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