A Chinese-Canadian to his parents: 'Privately, I yearned for your love'
Growing up, actor Simu Liu constantly fought with his immigrant parents. Now, he sees through their eyes—and pays tribute to them
By Simu LiuDecember 4, 2017
[Simu Liu's first summer in Canada, 1995. (Simu Liu)]
Simu Liu’s first summer in Canada, 1995. (Simu Liu)
Simu Liu is a Canadian Screen Award-nominated actor, writer and stunt performer who plays Jung Kim on the CBC TV show, Kim’s Convenience.
Mom and Dad,
We talked on the phone earlier today. We talk all the time, actually—usually when one of us is in the car on the way to something, or when you’re wondering when I’m coming home for dinner next. We catch each other up on what’s going on—the auditions and gigs for me, the vacations and the gossip on whose kids are getting married next for you.
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But we never quite say the things that actually matter.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the words we never say to each other, and to be honest, I think we’ve been doing this whole thing wrong for the past twenty-odd years. We never expressed affection toward one another; instead, we took every opportunity to criticize each other in some deluded obsession with eliminating every shortcoming in the pursuit of perfection. We’ve always been a family of actions over words, preferring pushing to praising, and letting “put on a jacket, it’s cold outside” stand in for “I love you.”
Any of my closest friends could tell you that I ride a rollercoaster of emotions when I talk about my complicated childhood—anger, sadness and resentment being the frontrunners. But I’m tired of being angry at my parents.
So I’m writing this letter to unpack my unsaid words, to thank you for all that you’ve done for me and to tell you that I love you. It’s about time we started, don’t you think?
I was born in Harbin, China, in 1989, a time when you were trying to leave the country—no easy feat, in Deng Xiaoping’s regime—to start a better life abroad. A one-in-a-million opportunity arose for you to pursue graduate studies at Queen’s University, and you took it. You had to. So Grandma and Grandpa raised me in Harbin until I was 5, when life had stabilized enough in Canada for you to bring me over. I was excited to finally meet my real parents and start my life in Canada, but I had no recollection of you—so when you returned in January of 1995, you felt like distant relatives.
When Dad came back, I slept with Grandma and Grandpa in their bedroom, as I had done all my life. They were my parents, as far as I could comprehend.
[(Simu Liu)]
Liu, with his grandfather and grandmother, in 2011.
When we moved to Canada, life was an adjustment for a variety of reasons. Whereas Grandma and Grandpa were gentle and patient, age and wisdom had not yet calmed your fiery tempers. I often felt like you regarded me as a defective product: you had not been present for my early years, and so my idiosyncrasies left you confused and worried. Perhaps, in the same way that you were strangers to me, your son also felt like a foreigner to you. That rift would only widen as I adopted the values and norms of a culture that you were unfamiliar with.
We fought often. If I tripped on my laces, I was clumsy. If I scored below an A, I was stupid. If I wanted to hang out with my friends, I was wasting my time. I grew to resent the pressure you put on me, resolving to make your lives as difficult as you were making mine. I ran away from home in 2005 after a particularly bad fight, staying at a different friend’s house every day for a week. I spoke dismissively about you, told you I hated you, and that I couldn’t wait to leave the house. But privately, I yearned for your love and affection. I often fantasized about having the family I saw in the movies—the ones where everyone would talk like best friends and hug each other hello and goodbye.
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I grudgingly continued down the path you laid out for me—getting into a prestigious business school and landing a stable nine-to-five job—until I couldn’t anymore. My job after graduation was at a top accounting firm, and it could not have been a worse fit for me. My superiors eventually caught on – in 2012, barely eight months into the job, I was laid off.
I was so embarrassed as I cleaned out my things in front of the entire office, but worse to me was the shame of having to tell you what happened. I considered throwing myself off my balcony to avoid facing you. Instead I made the decision to forge a path I could be proud of. I promised myself I would face you when I knew what that path would be.
That month, through a well-timed Craigslist ad, I found my way onto the set of a Guillermo del Toro movie as a minimum-wage extra and instantly fell in love with acting and filmmaking. I checked Craigslist every morning afterwards, applying for anything and everything I could. A few months later I booked my first national commercial and, unable to keep my new life from you any more, I finally came out to you as an actor. Five years later, serendipitous as it may seem, I am now playing myself on TV: a troubled kid, burdened by his relationship to his parents, trying to find his place in the world.
Today, although our relationship is the best it’s ever been, we still rarely talk about the past. I often catch myself replaying some of our worst confrontations in my head; it’s the unfortunate byproduct of a life spent mostly in conflict with you. But something is changing in me too, and I’m finding myself looking at the events of my childhood not through my lens, but through yours.
Liu, flanked by his parents, at his graduation from Western University.
In hindsight, I know that you were doing the best you could. Money was always tight, and so you worked hard and often; the alternative would have meant all of us going hungry. You pushed me as hard as you could so that I would never have to know the struggle of not knowing where my next meal would come from. And when I seemed to be squandering all that you had worked towards, you became frustrated. I would have been too. All I wanted as a child was a safe space, but there was no such thing for you—the threat of poverty was too great for you to risk taking your foot off the gas.
Despite some bumpy roads along the way, I believe that you have succeeded at everything you’ve set out to do. You built a better life for me. You made sure that I never had to worry about things like student debt or spending money. You instilled in me the idea that nothing could be taken for granted in this world, and that if I wanted something badly enough, I had to earn it through work. You made me into everything I am today—hardworking, ambitious, resilient—and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
In November, you attended a screening of Kim’s Convenience at the Glenn Gould Theatre in Toronto. It was the first time you had attended any of my shows or events, and although I tried to downplay it, I was giddy with excitement on the inside. It was a perfect night: I was surrounded by the love of my friends and family, and it was better than anything I saw in those movies with the parents I dreamed of having. It took 28 years, but I finally realized that was the kind of relationship that I want with you every day. No more damaged kid. No more anger.
So it’s with a full heart that I want to tell you that I am grateful for all the gifts and privileges you bestowed upon me. I am so proud of everything you have achieved in your careers, despite overwhelming odds. You are my heroes and my inspirations, and I work hard every day not because it’s what you expect of me, but because it’s what you taught me to expect of myself.
我以身为你们的儿子而深感自豪. 让我最感恩的, 是你们一直以来对我的无私奉献和支持, 以及你们所作出的牺牲.
Thank you. I love you. And don’t forget to bundle up; it’s cold outside these days.
https://www.macleans.ca/opinion/a-chinese-canadian-to-his-parents-privately-i-yearned-for-your-love/
劉思慕致父母到公開信
最近，我想了許多從未說出的心裏話，老實說，我覺得這二十多年來我們一直把話憋在心裏是完全錯誤的。我們從未表達過彼此之間的情感，反而總是利用一切機會互相批評，在追求完美的過程中，試圖消滅每一個缺點。在我們這個家，做什麽事永遠重要於說什麽話，總是施加壓力而不是鼓勵，總是以“多穿件外套，外面冷”來代替“我愛你”。
我的每個好朋友都可以告訴你們，每當我提起復雜的童年時光，情緒就像坐過山車一樣起伏，憤怒、傷心、怨恨。但我厭倦了對父母生氣。所以，我通過寫這封信來敞開心扉，來感謝所有你們為我所做的付出，告訴你們，我愛你們。現在是時候開始這麽做了，你們覺得呢？我1989年出生在中國哈爾濱，當時你們正設法出國，去國外過上更好的生活。一個千載難逢的機會，你們可以來到加拿大的女王大學(Queen’s University)攻讀研究生學位，你們抓住了這個機遇。所以，爺爺奶奶在哈爾濱撫養我到五歲，那時你們在加拿大穩定了生活，可以接我過來了。當時我是多麽激動終於可以見到我真正的父母，並開始在加拿大生活。但我記不得你們了，所以當爸爸在1995年1月回來接我的時候，我感覺就像是遠房親戚。那個時候我還是每晚和爺爺奶奶睡一起，從我有記憶開始一直都是這樣，在我的理解中他們才是我的父母。
當我來到了加拿大，生活發生巨大變化。之前爺爺奶奶的寵愛是那麽溫柔有耐心，也許你們還不到那個年紀所以難免有著火爆的脾氣。那時我常常感覺你們對我像是在對待一個有缺陷的產品：我最初成長的幾年生命中你們沒有在我身邊，所以我的個性讓你們感到困惑和擔心。也許，就像你們對我來說是陌生人一樣，你們的兒子對你們來說也像是一個外國人。而後來，當我拾起當下這種你們所不熟悉的文化和價值觀，我們之間的裂痕只能越來越大。我們就經常吵架。如果我被鞋帶絆倒，那是我蠢；如果我考試沒有得到A，那是我笨；如果我想和小夥伴出去玩，那是我浪費時間。隨著一年年長大，我越來越討厭你們給我施加的壓力，我要你們的生活也變得像我一樣痛苦。
2005年，在一次大吵之後我離家出走了，在各個朋友家輾轉住了一周。我憤憤地告訴你們，我恨你們，我等不及要離開這個家。但在內心裏，我渴望著你們的愛和親情。我常幻想著我能擁有一個如同電影裏看到的那種家庭，家人之間像親密朋友那樣交談，見面和告別的時候都能擁抱一下。勉勉強強地我還是按你們為我計劃好的路繼續走了下去，考進名校商學院，有一個朝九晚五的工作，直到我再也堅持不下去了。我畢業後的工作是在一個頂級會計師事務所，但沒有什麽比這個更不適合我的了。上司主管註意到了我的不適應，在2012年，入職不到8個月的我被解雇了。
當著整個辦公室的面清理個人物品離開公司已經夠難堪的了，但告訴你們這件事更加讓我羞愧。那陣子甚至為了不見你們，我曾想過從陽臺跳下去算了。後來讓我想通的是，我決定找一條適合自己的路，一條能讓我驕傲地面對你們的路。就在那個月，順著Craigslist招聘廣告，我找到了大導演吉列爾莫·德爾托羅的片場當起了領取最低時薪的群眾演員，我立馬就愛上了表演和電影製作。此後我每天一早就翻遍Craigslist廣告，申請所有能找到的表演機會。幾個月後，我簽約了第一個全國性的廣告拍攝。我也不能再瞞著你們這些，終於以一個演員的身份走到了你們面前。如今五年過去之後，猛然間我才發現，現在我在電視劇裏扮演的角色，不正是我本人嗎：愛惹麻煩的小孩子，處理不好和父母的關系，在地球上努力尋找屬於自己的位置。
今天，盡管我們之間的關系達到之前從未有過的和諧，我們仍然不怎麽提過去的事情。我時常在腦海中回放當初我們之間最激烈的對抗，很不幸這成為與你們大部分時間發生沖突的生活的副產品。但我還是逐漸有所變化，比如現在，我發現自己不是通過我的角度，而是通過你們的角度來看我童年時期的點點滴滴。回想種種往事，我知道你們已經竭盡全力做到最好。家裏經濟條件並不寬裕，所以你們總是長時間辛苦工作，以確保我們的溫飽。你們對我盡可能施加壓力，就是不願看到我將來為生計而掙紮。所以當我對你們這些努力置之不理的時候，你們變得沮喪，換做是我也會這樣。雖然我小時候只想要一個平靜的安全空間，但這些對你們來說是不存在的，沒有什麽比擺脫困境更重要。盡管一路走來坎坷不平，但我相信你們完成了所有人生既定目標。你們為我營造了一個更好的生活，你們讓我不需要為學費貸款或零花錢擔心。你們灌輸給我的思想就是這個世界沒有什麽是理所當然的，想要什麽必須通過自己的努力去爭取。是你們成就了我今天的一切品質：勤奮、有誌、堅韌，這些東西我千金不換。11月，你們參加了《Kim’s Convenience》在多倫多Glenn Gould大劇院的首映儀式，這是你們第一次出席我的影視活動。表面上我盡量裝作低調，不過內心早已激動萬分。那真是個完美的夜晚：我被朋友們和家人的愛所籠罩著，這比任何我憧憬過的電影畫面都美妙。
我活到28歲，終於明白了這才是我每天都想要的和你們的關系，不再有不聽話的小孩，也不再有怒火。我以滿懷感激的心告訴你們，感恩你們給予我的這一切美好。我為你們各自的職業成就感到驕傲。你們是激勵我的英雄，我每天努力工作並非因為你們期待我這樣做，而是因為你們教會我對自己要有期待。我以身為你們的兒子而深感自豪。讓我最感恩的, 是你們一直以來對我的無私奉獻和支持, 以及你們所作出的犧牲。
謝謝你們。我愛你們。
對了，記得多穿些衣服，這些天外面冷。
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