Pain and Gain - - - for my father

(my father is holding apricots from a tree he planted)




The greatest i have done to my father is that

After a chicken-soup-for-heart class, I had a breakthrough with him and realized that for many years I had been living in my own story about my father, blaming him for causing the pain that my mother has endured, no matter how much he has loved me.

That morning, my father was sitting on the sofa, doing something I cannot remember now. I told myself to be strong and get over with my resentment to him, which has tortured me since I was little.
 
I walked toward him and stood in front of him, looking at him into his eyes, saying, "Dad, thank you for giving me my life."

Silence.
 
My father did not say anything back and I fled away. But I need to tell you – since then, my father‘s heart and mine have been getting softer. Many times a heart has been hardened by misunderstanding and lack of communication. 

What's after that is i have to keep fighting against my verbal habits that i used to talk with my father and be more respectful to him.

Another realization is that

Months ago, my father had some symptoms similar to heart seizure and I drove him to emergency room. That night he was lying in bed with whole body plugged with all kind of equipments. I was sitting next to him. Aged and weak.  Death can carry him away any moment when he falls into sleep.

All of a sudden, I had the urge to touch my father. For the first time in my life, I touched my father's hair and face.

In the beginning he was not used to this and shook his head slightly.
"Ease, dad”.

He closed his eye. I could see, from his slowly relaxed face,  that he was  able to feel me, enjoying a daughter's love!
 
The machine always buzzed when my dad's heart beat dropped to be under 45. My heart stopped beating whenever I heard that sound, seized by the pain of losing him.

Later, at 3:00am, a nurse suggested me to leave. I stood up and looked at him, as if this would be the last look, because I did not know what would be when I came back the next morning.  My tears burst out - - - how much have I known him, this man I called My Father?!

The examination result shows my father healthy. But the question out of this experience has always been on mind - - - how much have I known him, this man I called My Father?!

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所有跟帖： 

• touching！和你相似原因，我也和老爸不亲，但是 -单豆豆- ♀ (76 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 16:35:42

• yes, 不为别人，是为了让自己以后不后悔! -影云- ♀ (103 bytes) () 06/16/2013 postreply 11:42:19

• Touching... -Bellemom- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 17:33:23

• thank you, Bellemom! -影云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/16/2013 postreply 11:42:50

• 早就发现你的英文特好。 其实我觉得父亲最爱女儿。我老爸对我，我老公对我女儿，真得很爱。 -fengxiang- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 18:14:14

• Thank you, Fengxiang. -影云- ♀ (655 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 20:03:28

• 写的很好。。。 -留下阳光- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 18:16:56

• Thank you, Sunshine! -影云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/16/2013 postreply 11:45:12

• A very touching story, we all need to build that bridge... -ECityBlues- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 18:34:44

• 特殊的国情造成我们许多国人生活曾经沉重、性格内向，相信多数父母对儿女还是 -逍遥白鹤- ♀ (291 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 19:23:14

• Yes, agree with what you said! -影云- ♀ (175 bytes) () 06/16/2013 postreply 11:51:27

• 我常想老爸真地絮叨起他的故事来,我能坐住听吗？脑子里似乎总有各种干扰 -greenlawn- ♀ (51 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 20:53:10

• Yes, listening is the first step that we are showing our love. -影云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 20:17:19

• 感动，看了你的文章特别想爸爸今晚。 -cocoly1010- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/14/2013 postreply 23:58:03

• Thank you, Coco!!! -影云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/16/2013 postreply 11:44:36

• 回复：Pain and Gain - - - for my father -bymyheart- ♀ (178 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 06:26:02

• Yes, bymyheart! love what you said! -影云- ♀ (221 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 20:14:38

• 感动！你的文字真好。爱与原谅，令人动容。 -bambooseven- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 12:48:41

• Thank you, Bamboo. Deep love comes from communication and unders -影云- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 20:10:46

• 写得真好，被你弄哭了，想起爸爸过世前的日子... -papermoon- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 13:09:14

• thank you for sharing, papermoon . . . -影云- ♀ (57 bytes) () 06/15/2013 postreply 20:08:55