我对亚裔男孩的成长过程的一点观察 ZT

 

 

 

来源：WINE

 

 

 

 

孩子进入TEEN后，自我意识增强，他比以往的任何时候都更需要有归属感，认同感。属于一个族群，被一圈朋友认同。这可以体现在，PEER对他的影响力极大地超出父母亲的影响力。

在亚裔孩子少的地方，混血孩子，如果长相不是特别明显有别于白人，还有可能get away, 被白人孩子认同。但如果长相还是亚裔孩子，他在是否归属白人孩子，是否为白人孩子接纳的归属感问题上会有强烈的挫折感！会STUCK！

特别是，当他在家庭里没有年龄相近的兄弟可以交流，可以同进出时，他会更孤单，更无助。男孩子又都比较内向，如果他又没有可以说话的朋友时，他是真的很惨！

请相信我，绝大部分男孩子都是不会把这些感觉跟父母说的，因为他们会倾向与认为，这是我自己的问题，应该自己去解决，解决不了，就STUCK在那儿。甚至还会装得若无其事。但是你能知道，他不开心，很不开心。

把孩子移到亚裔孩子多的地方，首先会给他一个族群，他可以用较小的阻力融入，一个他可以真正找到归属感的地方。其次，亚裔孩子都较勤奋努力，也会是一个好榜样。

亚裔女孩也会遇到这样的问题，但是通常程度会比男孩子轻。首先因为女孩子比较善于交流，比较会把不开心说出来。亚裔女孩普遍跟父母的交流，互动，比亚裔男孩多。

其次，白人社会对亚裔女孩的接纳程度远大于亚裔男孩。举例说，亚裔女孩可以和亚裔男孩结婚，但少，大多数ABC亚裔女孩嫁给白人。所以ABC亚裔女孩可不是单为ABC亚裔男孩所生，她们是为了全人类男孩而生：）

再次，大部分女孩比男孩成熟地早，也更敏感，当她发现自己不被白人族群接受时，她会比较快地意识到，然后回头，在自己原本的族群里寻找认同感，或者，埋头学习，从提高学习成绩上寻求认同感，比较不会象亚裔男孩那样STUCK。

 

 

 

this is a good post!


The fact is that Asian boy, especially ABC teenage boy,
faces the biggest challenge, compares to all other races, after they reached 14, 15.They become depressing and upset because they start realizing the people are not created equal, as they have been told by the parents and teachers. Unfortunately, they are the least populate group. Chinese parents, especially moms, few of them realize how severe the problem is because they never had communication on this issue. All the moms care about is whether their sons can be enrolled to the best high school or college, that they can show off to their friends. Some of them even proud for their sons never had "problems" like other races, never "wasting" time on dating. They just keep push their kids to study harder. How can they be happy after they grown up with mental illness, even if you might be success in their careers ( I even doubt about how success they can be if they have quiet and unsocial personalities which was made up by the environment when growing up). I realized that even before I had my son.
I asked several of my co-workers who have sons, all of them never date before and they are over 20s. None of parents think it is a problem and believe their sons should be like it. Don't waste time on dating before you old enough (at least over 25). It is so wrong. Here in this country, the boys never date after 20s, very likely are either mentally or physically disabled persons.

So my suggestions,
1. Talk to your sons on this issue. Bring out the problems, don't let the problem hiding.
2. Encourage your sons to join martial arts classes or body build class, rather than piano classes.
3. Encourage them to date white girls. They need to started early and learn how to please girls. It needs practices. Sometime, you need to give financial support. Of course, I am not talking about early sex. Dating and Sex are different things here.
4, try every possible ways to give them self-esteem and confidences. Never discourage them.
last but not least, send you sons back to China more often. It is costly and hard, most of them doesn't like go back, I admit. But at least it will give them one more
option after they grown up.

But after all, Unfortunately, thats the life we have chosen for them by the time we decide to immigrate to here. Too bad it is not their choices but they have to suffer.

 

you could be lucky. there are other contributing factors: 1. your area/town is friendly mixed.
2. you have more than 1 son, and they are close in age.
3. your sons' personality are open and outgoing.
4. you raise your kids in a very westernized way. very little or totally none chinese language/culture/philosophy influence in the family. usually the 3rd generation will experience much less pain, much due to the ways how they are raised.
5. they may not have reached the age yet. or may not have experienced the triggering event.

ID problem, for girl, usually starts around mid-late teens, for boys, could start as late as mid-20s. i've seen some asian kids, grown up in sunshine, asian-friendly California, after they came to northeast for colleges, had difficult time to adjust/fit in. ID problem started to surface.

from what i observe, when a man's humiliation comes from a (Caucasian) female, it is usually much more devastating and has a longer lasting effect than one from a (Caucasian) male.

6. the field the kid is in.

in IT/science/engineering field, one may barely notice any ID issues. reasons: 1. foreign technicians heavily populated. 2. dominant men population. it takes a woman to crush a man's pride and dignity.

in Medical field, where female nurses/workers are everywhere, where a male can be selectively treated differently by the very same female. comparisons
are obvious and everywhere. kids can experience severe ID frustration.

 

 

kids cannot choose parents, unfortunately. They have to live with the environment we choose for them, at least before they reach adulthood.

from my point of view, the very first question parents must answer is - given all that frustration, what ID do you want the kids to have?

from my experience, it is both easy and wise (in long term) to let them bear Chinese ID, not an american ID.

 

"I might be just lucky; but neither of my two grown-up boys has the ID problem so far. I even feel they have too many friends and "waste" too much time on socializing and friendship."----> if i were you, i would be very happy to see them have many friends and happily socialized with peers.

ID problem happens more often to kids that are inward, nerdy yet sensitive.

it usually becomes a bad-cycle, a loop that one cannot easily break through without genuine friends and unselfish love and respect.

 

我看第2代亚裔男的ID问题 2007-12-07 07:10:56

1。本质原因：第2代亚裔男难融入，挫折感强，其本质就是，第2代亚男在人际关系，尤其是男女关系上 out of practice。

很多妈妈忽略了一个现象，即亚男的ID问题都发生在对男女关系觉醒的青春期。为什么呢？这里面有深层次的人性上的东西。

如 果一个人在同性之中被鄙视轻视忽视，因而感觉不平等，他/她可以通过提高自身实力去改善，去争取重视。尤其在男人之间，你可以不管人际关系，光凭实力说 话。实力是有具体衡量标准的。不论是健身，练跆拳道还是发明创造，是可以衡量的。如果因为实力败下阵来，比较容易心服口服。

但是如果这种 鄙视，轻视，忽视是来自异性(say, a Caucasian female)，你除了忍受，走开，并不能做什么。因为竞争异性，实力只是武器的一部分，更重要的是异性交往的技巧。而人际关系没有衡量标准，一个具体对 象喜欢你，你就赢，不喜欢你，你就输。因此这种失败往往不能让人心服口服。尤其对青春期荷尔蒙分泌不太稳定的大男孩，如果又内向，又爱钻牛角尖，这种伤害 更大(more devastating)，更持久。

当你败在一个实力大大不如你的男性手下(say, a Caucasian male)，你对这女的秀肌肉，秀琴艺，秀钱都没有用时，不管种族/ID歧视是不是事实，到了这份上，也只好认了。

值得一提的是，能伤害男性自尊的这个异性，不但可以是令他心仪的女孩子，更可以是普通女孩，而且往往是普通女孩！普通女孩带来的伤害更严重。一个莫名其妙的小38都可以随性踩你，践踏你的自尊，能不让人生气吗？

生 活中，没有自信（因而显得萎嗦），难融入，挫折感强的那些第2代亚男们，他们在成长过程中，都至少遭遇过一个类似的小“38”（在他们眼中）。赵承熙的单 恋失败是令他越走越远的一个重要原因。他是一个极端例子，也是一个典型例子，这种事例通常都是恶性循环，越走越远，最后往往都升级为种族仇恨。

2。第一代亚裔父母能做什么？

第一代亚裔父母常犯的错误是，轻视孩子人际关系的培养。对人际关系中的男女关系更是故意忽视。这是我们第1代亚裔父母和第2代亚裔，在教养小孩上，最重要的区别。第2代亚裔在自身吃过亏后，意识到培养人际关系的重要性。

第1代亚裔父母更倾向于认为：
A。男女关系必然联系到“性”这个洪水猛兽。其实，性只是衡量两性关系，彼此接纳程度的一个硬指标(否则不就成强奸了吗)，却不是衡量男女关系的指标。而两性关系只是男女关系的一部分。

B。儿子长大了，只谈一场恋爱，只娶一个老婆，（且不说是否现实），培养那么多男女关系技巧做什么？殊不知，儿子有女同学，女同事，女老板，女下属，要想事倍功半，哪个不需要交往的技巧？在社会生活中，异性相处的技巧，其重要性往往超过同性相处的技巧。

C。男女关系嘛，到他长大了，他自然而然就会了。此言差矣！男女的思维方式本来就不一样，连没有文化种族隔阂的白男人自己，都感叹女人的不可知，何况文化/种族不同的亚裔？异性相处的技巧和同性关系的技巧，差别很大！

这远不是喊几句口号，苦练几天就出师了。男女关系和世上任何本领一样，是需要大量的实地演练的。practice, practice, practice。dating does not always lead to sex, 自控能力，也是培养出来的。

不 少亚裔父母只重视孩子的硬实力/学业成绩，忽视人际关系技巧的培养。如果家里只有一个孩子，没有兄弟姐妹，那么在家里，在同性关系上，孩子只有爸爸可以演 练，在异性关系上，只有妈妈可以演练。在学校里，朋友又少，到了青春期，家里又不准谈恋爱。上了大学，孩子面对成熟的女同学，女同事，女教授，可能完全不 知所措，不知如何approach, how to express。那时候，他们心里的苦，我们就完全不知道了，也看不见。

希望我们第一代亚裔父母，都能有更广阔的眼界，不是着眼于孩子前18年的骄人成绩，而是孩子今后一生的（婚姻家庭）幸福和社会成就。在抓学习的同时，鼓励孩子广交男女朋友，给孩子更广阔的天地自己去跌倒，去摸索，去成长。

注：多生养的好处之一，也在于从小就给孩子一个可以演练人际关系的场所。好处之二，在于提高亚裔在这个国家的人口数量，从而最大限度地降低种族歧视的可能性。