Oh, and as for when to bring it up with a son, I'd say that it worked very well to have these conversations early and often, starting when my son first noticed that girls were interesting. I also made a point of talking with the kids about how their friends were behaving starting when their friends started dating, in middle school. (My kids didn't really date until quite a bit later than many of their friends--both of them were juniors in HS.) Talking about their friends' behavior gave me a chance to discuss things without my kids feeling attacked.
On a practical note, I do think it's important for ALL teenagers to know what to do in three situations:
a) if they're raped--talking to a doctor is more important than talking to the police, esp. if they may not want to go to the police (as in a nebulous date-rape situation). Many STDs can be prevented if treatment begins early.
b) if they have unprotected sex--there are morning-after pills to prevent pregnancy. In WA, a pharmacist can provide them without a prescription. There are also preventive treatments for some STDs.
c) if they think they're pregnant, they need to talk to a counselor and a doctor early. If the girl wants an abortion, they are safer early in the pregnancy; if the girl doesn't want an abortion, early medical treatment is best for both the baby and the mom.
dmd77 is offline
------------------------------
katwkittens
c
Hey Carolyn,
With my 3 boys, I have been talking to them about this since probably 8th-9th grade. They had some info since probably 4th-5th grade but the more heavy duty stuff a little later. The dating stuff was more about being a gentleman, listening to their dates, being polite, being sensitive being an all-around nice guy. The sex and birth control stuff was a different subject but also discussed with dating as in when your date becomes a serious girlfriend.
The boys have 2 sisters so they have also participated in the discussions at the same time, so that way everybody hears the same thing! I was very open and frank with all five of them. And they in turn have been VERY open and honest with me and their sibs. Of course the older bros want to send their younger sis to a convent...but that is a different story.
We discussed sex as a physical act and all the ramifications AND then discussed the emotional and psychological reasons and impacts. And we still talk about it. And talk and talk. Granted all this talking has kindof taken away any of the mystery or "romance" of it all but they all know the very serious consequences sex can have on one as an individual, on a couple, on their partner and on their family. Everything in our house is as a family!!! Kids have NO PRIVACY!! I swear it is because they are all so close in age and are each others best friends.
I wanted my girls to know how to handle themselves and to know that guys aren't the enemy and my boys to act responsibly and as gentleman. They gotta live by that rule "if Mom knew would she be proud of me?" The boys have said they have that ingrained into their everyday thought process so it can be a romantic dampener!!! Almost all their dating in high school and college has been as a group (usually each other) so they have gradually gotten used to the dating scene.
DS in college, has had several different functions were dates were expected (banquets, football, frats) so he has done that much. But he says if he were to ever get serious about someone he knows they are going to have to pass inspections with his 2 sisters (the pickest girls on the planet), me, his 2 brothers (equally picky, just different focus) his dogs and his really, really, fat old mean grizzly cat. If the cat doesn't like her, its a no go!!!
I think our very open discussions and albeit sometimes graphic have made it very clear of what I expect from my boys, what constitutes a gentleman, and what will not be tolerated. I have the same expectations for them if they are 16, 18, 21, 31 or 51.
As far as birth control, we have discussed how very important this is but also in the context of how and what to do with regards to STDs and AIDS. Ang again we have discussed this since junior high. It comes up when watching TV, movies, friends are over, whatever it takes to get them to realize the ramifications of their decisions.
Since there are five kiddos, all teenagers, girls and boys it is an on-going discussion. And I am not stereotyping the boys but as football players it seemed to come up a lot. Especially with their friends, at football post-game parties... I am sure you can all picture the scenario. They would talk, I would listen, sometimes I would lecture, sometimes they would lecture and then we would talk some more. But it is something we still talk about. Same deal with drug usage, drinking and smoking. Talk, talk and more talk. Til I am blue in the face. And then I talk more.
So far, it is ok.
-----------------------------
Hopefully better than our parents' advice
A group of us were discussing sex information we had gotten from our parents. The funniest story came from a Texan who said his Dad started by saying "Son your mother wanted me to talk to you." After a long interval punctuated by stutters, draws on a cigarette and a few explitives, his dad concluded with, "Son, use a rubber." End of discussion.
The most meaningful discussion that I had prior to college came not from a parent but from a Biology teacher. It was an assembly at an all boys school. He skipped over the functional discussion and the idea of diseases. He said he thought we had gotten enough of that in various classes. He said he wanted to talk to us about treating women as friends and not a sex objects. The ultimate goal is that you would have a relationship with a woman who was your best friend. You could have heard a pin drop. Imagine a quiet assembly with 200 teenage boys. This is the talk that all boys need to have.
-------------------------------------------
Boys must be taught the emotional and practical implications of intimacy. The latter was driven home for me when as a young lawyer I represented a successful professional in his thirties who just learned he fathered a child in grad school and was served with a paternity action for ten years of back child support - financially devastating; devastating to miss the child's formative years and a lot to adjust to for his family. Boys must be involved in birth control.
On a practical note, I do think it's important for ALL teenagers to know what to do in three situations:
a) if they're raped--talking to a doctor is more important than talking to the police, esp. if they may not want to go to the police (as in a nebulous date-rape situation). Many STDs can be prevented if treatment begins early.
b) if they have unprotected sex--there are morning-after pills to prevent pregnancy. In WA, a pharmacist can provide them without a prescription. There are also preventive treatments for some STDs.
c) if they think they're pregnant, they need to talk to a counselor and a doctor early. If the girl wants an abortion, they are safer early in the pregnancy; if the girl doesn't want an abortion, early medical treatment is best for both the baby and the mom.
dmd77 is offline
------------------------------
katwkittens
c
Hey Carolyn,
With my 3 boys, I have been talking to them about this since probably 8th-9th grade. They had some info since probably 4th-5th grade but the more heavy duty stuff a little later. The dating stuff was more about being a gentleman, listening to their dates, being polite, being sensitive being an all-around nice guy. The sex and birth control stuff was a different subject but also discussed with dating as in when your date becomes a serious girlfriend.
The boys have 2 sisters so they have also participated in the discussions at the same time, so that way everybody hears the same thing! I was very open and frank with all five of them. And they in turn have been VERY open and honest with me and their sibs. Of course the older bros want to send their younger sis to a convent...but that is a different story.
We discussed sex as a physical act and all the ramifications AND then discussed the emotional and psychological reasons and impacts. And we still talk about it. And talk and talk. Granted all this talking has kindof taken away any of the mystery or "romance" of it all but they all know the very serious consequences sex can have on one as an individual, on a couple, on their partner and on their family. Everything in our house is as a family!!! Kids have NO PRIVACY!! I swear it is because they are all so close in age and are each others best friends.
I wanted my girls to know how to handle themselves and to know that guys aren't the enemy and my boys to act responsibly and as gentleman. They gotta live by that rule "if Mom knew would she be proud of me?" The boys have said they have that ingrained into their everyday thought process so it can be a romantic dampener!!! Almost all their dating in high school and college has been as a group (usually each other) so they have gradually gotten used to the dating scene.
DS in college, has had several different functions were dates were expected (banquets, football, frats) so he has done that much. But he says if he were to ever get serious about someone he knows they are going to have to pass inspections with his 2 sisters (the pickest girls on the planet), me, his 2 brothers (equally picky, just different focus) his dogs and his really, really, fat old mean grizzly cat. If the cat doesn't like her, its a no go!!!
I think our very open discussions and albeit sometimes graphic have made it very clear of what I expect from my boys, what constitutes a gentleman, and what will not be tolerated. I have the same expectations for them if they are 16, 18, 21, 31 or 51.
As far as birth control, we have discussed how very important this is but also in the context of how and what to do with regards to STDs and AIDS. Ang again we have discussed this since junior high. It comes up when watching TV, movies, friends are over, whatever it takes to get them to realize the ramifications of their decisions.
Since there are five kiddos, all teenagers, girls and boys it is an on-going discussion. And I am not stereotyping the boys but as football players it seemed to come up a lot. Especially with their friends, at football post-game parties... I am sure you can all picture the scenario. They would talk, I would listen, sometimes I would lecture, sometimes they would lecture and then we would talk some more. But it is something we still talk about. Same deal with drug usage, drinking and smoking. Talk, talk and more talk. Til I am blue in the face. And then I talk more.
So far, it is ok.
-----------------------------
Hopefully better than our parents' advice
A group of us were discussing sex information we had gotten from our parents. The funniest story came from a Texan who said his Dad started by saying "Son your mother wanted me to talk to you." After a long interval punctuated by stutters, draws on a cigarette and a few explitives, his dad concluded with, "Son, use a rubber." End of discussion.
The most meaningful discussion that I had prior to college came not from a parent but from a Biology teacher. It was an assembly at an all boys school. He skipped over the functional discussion and the idea of diseases. He said he thought we had gotten enough of that in various classes. He said he wanted to talk to us about treating women as friends and not a sex objects. The ultimate goal is that you would have a relationship with a woman who was your best friend. You could have heard a pin drop. Imagine a quiet assembly with 200 teenage boys. This is the talk that all boys need to have.
-------------------------------------------
Boys must be taught the emotional and practical implications of intimacy. The latter was driven home for me when as a young lawyer I represented a successful professional in his thirties who just learned he fathered a child in grad school and was served with a paternity action for ten years of back child support - financially devastating; devastating to miss the child's formative years and a lot to adjust to for his family. Boys must be involved in birth control.
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