by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D.
Margaret Goldman
The Adler School of Professional Psychology
General Principles
GOLDEN RULE: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." ... ...
RESPECT... ... No one should take advantage of another; neither adult nor child should be slave or tyrant. Adults have an unrecognized prejudice against children, which prevents them from really respecting the child. When parents show respect for the child they consider his opinions, his judgement. Parents who show respect for the child-while winning his respect for them-teach the child to respect himself and others.
BEHAVIOR IS MOVEMENT. No person behaves without intending to affect others. People are usually not aware of the purpose of their own behavior. To understand the child's pattern of movement through life, one must become sensitive to the interactions inherent in routine situations. For example: Assume a child dawdles every morning and "forgets" to do most things that are rightfully his responsibility. Mother responds with constant reminders and doing many things for him. At school, teacher has to remind and push to make him work. What is the inter-relationship? Actually the child is, through his behavior, provoking others to assume his responsibilities. This behavior, then, may become a permanent pattern, a way of moving through life.
"GOOD" PARENTS ARE AMERICA'S TRAGEDY. They feel worthless if their children are not perfect. In their determination to achieve this ambition, they correct every deficiency and give continuous service, often raising children who become deficient and irresponsible. "Goodness" walks hand-in-hand with "superiority;" often neither spouse nor children have a chance in life with such a "superior" adult. A "good" parent always "knows best," is always "right".
AVOID LETTING YOUR OWN NEED FOR PRESTIGE influence you in training your child. For example: If your child knows how to dress but is sloppy about his personal appearance, avoid the impulse to remind him or straighten his cloths yourself because you are afraid of what others will think of you as a parent. Your own prestige is less important than letting the child learn for himself.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS OFTEN PRODUCE LITTLE RESULTS. First distinguish between great expectations and realistic expecations. Once a child has learned to tie his shoes, he is always expected to tie them. this is realistic expectation based on the child's demonstrated ability. Great, or high expectations are based primarily on the parents' desire for excellence in their children. Ambitious, competitive parents demonstrate to their children their high expectations through exacting demands and pressures to "do better". Parental ambitions for children concern any quality the parents deem important; i.e., intellectual achievement, popularity, artistic skill, masculinity, ad infinitum. Such parents want their children to be the best in the areas of the parents' choosing. Parents with bright children usually comment, "you could do better if your tried," which is tantamount to, "you are not good enough the way you are." Remarks of this nature coupled with parental pressures are usually discouraging to the child, who then produces little or no achievement.
TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING and teaching the child essential skills and habits. Don't attempt to train a child in a moment of conflict or in company. Allow for training at calm times, regularly, until the lesson is learned. If many areas need improvement, give attention to one at a time. Limit yourself to what you can do. The parent who "does not have time"for such training will have to spend more time correcting an untrained child.
NEVER DO FOR A CHILD WHAT HE CAN DO FOR HIMSELF. A dependent child is a demanding child. Maintian order and establish your own independence. Most adults underestimate the abilities of children. Give children opportunities and encouragement to become contributing members of the family and other groups.children beomce irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsiblity. In assuming the child's responsiblity we deprive him of the opportunity to learn. Don't indulge yourself by giving service.
Margaret Goldman
The Adler School of Professional Psychology
General Principles
GOLDEN RULE: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." ... ...
RESPECT... ... No one should take advantage of another; neither adult nor child should be slave or tyrant. Adults have an unrecognized prejudice against children, which prevents them from really respecting the child. When parents show respect for the child they consider his opinions, his judgement. Parents who show respect for the child-while winning his respect for them-teach the child to respect himself and others.
BEHAVIOR IS MOVEMENT. No person behaves without intending to affect others. People are usually not aware of the purpose of their own behavior. To understand the child's pattern of movement through life, one must become sensitive to the interactions inherent in routine situations. For example: Assume a child dawdles every morning and "forgets" to do most things that are rightfully his responsibility. Mother responds with constant reminders and doing many things for him. At school, teacher has to remind and push to make him work. What is the inter-relationship? Actually the child is, through his behavior, provoking others to assume his responsibilities. This behavior, then, may become a permanent pattern, a way of moving through life.
"GOOD" PARENTS ARE AMERICA'S TRAGEDY. They feel worthless if their children are not perfect. In their determination to achieve this ambition, they correct every deficiency and give continuous service, often raising children who become deficient and irresponsible. "Goodness" walks hand-in-hand with "superiority;" often neither spouse nor children have a chance in life with such a "superior" adult. A "good" parent always "knows best," is always "right".
AVOID LETTING YOUR OWN NEED FOR PRESTIGE influence you in training your child. For example: If your child knows how to dress but is sloppy about his personal appearance, avoid the impulse to remind him or straighten his cloths yourself because you are afraid of what others will think of you as a parent. Your own prestige is less important than letting the child learn for himself.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS OFTEN PRODUCE LITTLE RESULTS. First distinguish between great expectations and realistic expecations. Once a child has learned to tie his shoes, he is always expected to tie them. this is realistic expectation based on the child's demonstrated ability. Great, or high expectations are based primarily on the parents' desire for excellence in their children. Ambitious, competitive parents demonstrate to their children their high expectations through exacting demands and pressures to "do better". Parental ambitions for children concern any quality the parents deem important; i.e., intellectual achievement, popularity, artistic skill, masculinity, ad infinitum. Such parents want their children to be the best in the areas of the parents' choosing. Parents with bright children usually comment, "you could do better if your tried," which is tantamount to, "you are not good enough the way you are." Remarks of this nature coupled with parental pressures are usually discouraging to the child, who then produces little or no achievement.
TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING and teaching the child essential skills and habits. Don't attempt to train a child in a moment of conflict or in company. Allow for training at calm times, regularly, until the lesson is learned. If many areas need improvement, give attention to one at a time. Limit yourself to what you can do. The parent who "does not have time"for such training will have to spend more time correcting an untrained child.
NEVER DO FOR A CHILD WHAT HE CAN DO FOR HIMSELF. A dependent child is a demanding child. Maintian order and establish your own independence. Most adults underestimate the abilities of children. Give children opportunities and encouragement to become contributing members of the family and other groups.children beomce irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsiblity. In assuming the child's responsiblity we deprive him of the opportunity to learn. Don't indulge yourself by giving service.
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