还可斟酌。写出这样七律,说明作者想愤世,但愤世的感情不够充沛。
乱世投生少护呵,寒窗洗脑多折磨
八八云雨辞乡土,六四风沙罩家国
白日无心拾经本,夜阑有酒伴笙歌
仰头大笑出门去,垂泪今生枉时多
还可斟酌。写出这样七律,说明作者想愤世,但愤世的感情不够充沛。
乱世投生少护呵,寒窗洗脑多折磨
八八云雨辞乡土,六四风沙罩家国
白日无心拾经本,夜阑有酒伴笙歌
仰头大笑出门去,垂泪今生枉时多
•
谢贾兄批评。斟酌是应该的,但贾兄这么一改,和原作相比,哪个更好呢?
-王武-
♂
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09/20/2011 postreply
18:45:48
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