我有一个好同事，他却有两个被宠惯了的孩子。老大女孩儿，讲玩讲穿，不思学习与未来；去department story偷东西，被抓。老二男孩，年仅十岁，任性、对人无礼貌；父母若不满足他的要求时，马上就暴跳如雷，歇斯底里的。父母对待这两个孩子，视为bright spots，轻言细语，尽量满足。。。
下面是我和这位父亲之间曾经有关子女人品教育方面的一番对话。
同事： JL(my name's initials), I need to correct XXXXX (his son's name) when he throws a tantrum as he did yesterday. However, as a parent, I think you need to not persist in correcting things too thoroughly. You are a very thorough person, no doubt this makes you an excellent auditor, but when correcting people, being too thorough is not helpful. I know you think I am crazy but I beleive in good two way communication with the kids. You are strict enough that I do think that it inhibits the kids telling us what they really think. I know you think this is rude and sometimes it is, but I'd rather hear from them than just go the route of "kids should be seen but not heard".
西西妈：Uhm, your words sound as if they have a reason, but they are really ridiculous. _:$ First, your hypothesis that kids are always bad, even at a very young age. Second, after they do wrong things, you listen to them talking about the process of doing bad things, but without any discipline and teaching. Then, what is the original purpose of being a friend with kids? Just to enjoy the bad things they did? Allowing kids to do as they wish - won't you be a very irresponsible parent and won't they finally be in danger of committing crimes? Your way of being friends to kids actually doesn't have any principle and lets the children's personalities become worse and worse gradually. YYYYY (his daughter's name) is an excellent example. She has so much personality damage, are you not yet aware of your responsibility in her damage??? _:$
If educated from youth, kids are very easy to educate. It is similar to a small tree - normal development causes everything to be successful smoothly. LIttle kids are more easy to listen to parents' teachings. When they have a good habit, they will not treat you as their enemy because they already have the similar moral standards that you have. As a parent, you don't need to monitor children as if they were your enemies. In other words, they are just good kids who love to do what should be done. You don't have this kind of experience because when your kids were easily educated, you missed the chance to teach and discipline them. Therefore, your management of your children is helpless beyond what you can correctly do efficiently.
I know you; you previously often used yelling as your education method. Now, you use unreasonable spoiling as another approach to your kids. You walked from one extreme to the other. However, you don't know still discipline's true meaning. Discipline does not necessarily mean to beat or yell at kids. Discipline is to point out what was wrong and why with your love and patience.
同事：Ok, let me add one or two more little things. If you are going to discipline kids there is no doubt that you can be very thorough in instructing them and correcting them. If you are their parent and they depend upon you they will very likely even like you, if you keep some level of communication going with them, which you do. But this is very different than trying to maintain a friendly relationship with them. Kids are very resilient as are human beings in general. However, if you are sternly disciplining a kid it is very difficult to maintain a friendly relationship.
I choose to try and maintain a semi collegial relationship with my kids. I choose this for reasons related to my own experiences as a kid growing up and it is different than the relationship I had with my parents. I believe in this. I feel like you beleive that making mistakes growing up is a serious problem. I don't think that making some mistakes growing up is such a terrible thing and I think that excessive fear of making mistakes may be worse than making such mistakes, because it can cause a person to fear taking chances. In other words I think that the fear of mistakes can be very self limiting. I know this will horrify you, but making a few mistakes is not such a bad thing.
西西妈：Do you really think that good kids do not have communication with parents? Do you really think that those good kids are only forced to be good without any motivation to be good? When good kids really have similar moral standards and viewpoints towards life with their parents, parents and kids can build up a true friendly and harmonic relationship between each other. Look at the relationship between you and YYYYY(his daughter). Because there is great difference between each other with regarding to attitudes towards life, there is constant fighting between you and her. Friendship without a common viewpoint is only blank talk and dream. What does "friends" mean? It means that there is a similar personaity and viewpoints between the people involved. If you do not enjoy what YYYYY has done, definitely you cannot become her true friend. You can only use education with your patience and love to try to pull her back to the right way.
QUOTE:
"I don‘t think that making some mistakes growing up is such a terrible thing and I think that excessive fear of making mistakes may be worse than making such mistakes, because it can cause a person to fear taking chances. In other words I think that the fear of mistakes can be very self limiting. "
It depends on what kind of mistakes you make. If you make mistakes due to personality problems, then it's very hard to change. That's not only doing something wrong, but also damaged you as a person. For example, a very lazy kid who has grown accustomed to this lifestyle has much difficulty to become a hard worker. Habit is very hard to change.
If a child has already grown up with many good habits, they don't need to worry about doing bad things. Their doing good things is from their NATURE, as if it was naturally as was eating. When you eat, do you have any terror? Only those who have not developed good habits feel that doing bad things is like a joyous pig used to rolling in the mud and uncomfortable monkeys acted unnaturally like a human being. Therefore, children are easily taught good manners when they are young. The older they become, the harder it is for them to change.
Doing bad things is not terrible, but becoming a bad person is. _:D Doing bad things is not terrible, but becoming a bad person is.
下面是我和这位父亲之间曾经有关子女人品教育方面的一番对话。
同事： JL(my name's initials), I need to correct XXXXX (his son's name) when he throws a tantrum as he did yesterday. However, as a parent, I think you need to not persist in correcting things too thoroughly. You are a very thorough person, no doubt this makes you an excellent auditor, but when correcting people, being too thorough is not helpful. I know you think I am crazy but I beleive in good two way communication with the kids. You are strict enough that I do think that it inhibits the kids telling us what they really think. I know you think this is rude and sometimes it is, but I'd rather hear from them than just go the route of "kids should be seen but not heard".
西西妈：Uhm, your words sound as if they have a reason, but they are really ridiculous. _:$ First, your hypothesis that kids are always bad, even at a very young age. Second, after they do wrong things, you listen to them talking about the process of doing bad things, but without any discipline and teaching. Then, what is the original purpose of being a friend with kids? Just to enjoy the bad things they did? Allowing kids to do as they wish - won't you be a very irresponsible parent and won't they finally be in danger of committing crimes? Your way of being friends to kids actually doesn't have any principle and lets the children's personalities become worse and worse gradually. YYYYY (his daughter's name) is an excellent example. She has so much personality damage, are you not yet aware of your responsibility in her damage??? _:$
If educated from youth, kids are very easy to educate. It is similar to a small tree - normal development causes everything to be successful smoothly. LIttle kids are more easy to listen to parents' teachings. When they have a good habit, they will not treat you as their enemy because they already have the similar moral standards that you have. As a parent, you don't need to monitor children as if they were your enemies. In other words, they are just good kids who love to do what should be done. You don't have this kind of experience because when your kids were easily educated, you missed the chance to teach and discipline them. Therefore, your management of your children is helpless beyond what you can correctly do efficiently.
I know you; you previously often used yelling as your education method. Now, you use unreasonable spoiling as another approach to your kids. You walked from one extreme to the other. However, you don't know still discipline's true meaning. Discipline does not necessarily mean to beat or yell at kids. Discipline is to point out what was wrong and why with your love and patience.
同事：Ok, let me add one or two more little things. If you are going to discipline kids there is no doubt that you can be very thorough in instructing them and correcting them. If you are their parent and they depend upon you they will very likely even like you, if you keep some level of communication going with them, which you do. But this is very different than trying to maintain a friendly relationship with them. Kids are very resilient as are human beings in general. However, if you are sternly disciplining a kid it is very difficult to maintain a friendly relationship.
I choose to try and maintain a semi collegial relationship with my kids. I choose this for reasons related to my own experiences as a kid growing up and it is different than the relationship I had with my parents. I believe in this. I feel like you beleive that making mistakes growing up is a serious problem. I don't think that making some mistakes growing up is such a terrible thing and I think that excessive fear of making mistakes may be worse than making such mistakes, because it can cause a person to fear taking chances. In other words I think that the fear of mistakes can be very self limiting. I know this will horrify you, but making a few mistakes is not such a bad thing.
西西妈：Do you really think that good kids do not have communication with parents? Do you really think that those good kids are only forced to be good without any motivation to be good? When good kids really have similar moral standards and viewpoints towards life with their parents, parents and kids can build up a true friendly and harmonic relationship between each other. Look at the relationship between you and YYYYY(his daughter). Because there is great difference between each other with regarding to attitudes towards life, there is constant fighting between you and her. Friendship without a common viewpoint is only blank talk and dream. What does "friends" mean? It means that there is a similar personaity and viewpoints between the people involved. If you do not enjoy what YYYYY has done, definitely you cannot become her true friend. You can only use education with your patience and love to try to pull her back to the right way.
QUOTE:
"I don‘t think that making some mistakes growing up is such a terrible thing and I think that excessive fear of making mistakes may be worse than making such mistakes, because it can cause a person to fear taking chances. In other words I think that the fear of mistakes can be very self limiting. "
It depends on what kind of mistakes you make. If you make mistakes due to personality problems, then it's very hard to change. That's not only doing something wrong, but also damaged you as a person. For example, a very lazy kid who has grown accustomed to this lifestyle has much difficulty to become a hard worker. Habit is very hard to change.
If a child has already grown up with many good habits, they don't need to worry about doing bad things. Their doing good things is from their NATURE, as if it was naturally as was eating. When you eat, do you have any terror? Only those who have not developed good habits feel that doing bad things is like a joyous pig used to rolling in the mud and uncomfortable monkeys acted unnaturally like a human being. Therefore, children are easily taught good manners when they are young. The older they become, the harder it is for them to change.
Doing bad things is not terrible, but becoming a bad person is. _:D Doing bad things is not terrible, but becoming a bad person is.
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