I'll try to be calm.He doesn't want the kids anyway

He only wants the money. I agreed to borrow $50,000 from the home equity line to give to him so he would let the kids and me have the house a year ago. But he apologized and I thought this time he would change for sure but it seems it's never going to happen. I was hoping he'd find a job in China so he'll leave us. I'm afraid of initiating a divorce for fear he'll hurt me. But he just can't find one there. I know I shouldn't get too emotional but I just can't tolerate his yelling and bad mouth.