对忒忒绿网友翻译的评点

Ornithology in a World of Flux.
变迁世界里的鸟类

It was only a bird call at evening, unidentified,
那只是傍晚的一声鸣叫，听不出是来自什么鸟，

As I came from the spring with water, across the rocky back-pasture;
我正取泉水回来，穿过满是石头的后院草甸；

But so still I stood sky above was not stiller than sky in pail-water.
我却是稳稳地站着以至于水桶里的天与头上的天一样平静。

 Years pass, all places and  faces fade, some people have died,
多年后，那些地方和面孔都从记忆中退去，一些人已身亡魂消，

And I stand in a far land, the evening still, and am at last sure
而我伫立在远方，夜色沉静，终于洞见

That I miss more that stillness at bird-call than some things that were 
to fail later.
比起那些慢慢消散的事物那份鸟鸣时的宁静多么地让我魂牵梦萦。

对忒忒绿网友翻译的评点

据说立读过忒忒绿网友的翻译后做出如下评论:

这个翻译版本:

变迁世界里的鸟类

那只是傍晚的一声鸣叫，听不出是来自什么鸟，
我正取泉水回来，穿过满是石头的后院草甸；
我却是稳稳地站着以至于水桶里的天与头上的天一样平静。

多年后，那些地方和面孔都从记忆中退去，一些人已身亡魂消，
而我伫立在远方，夜色沉静，终于洞见
比起那些慢慢消散的事物那份鸟鸣时的宁静多么地让我魂牵梦萦。

 

不如这个版本:

Ornithology in a World of Flux.

It was only a bird call at evening, unidentified,
As I came from the spring with water, across the rocky back-pasture;
But so still I stood sky above was not stiller than sky in pail-water.

Years pass, all places and  faces fade, some people have died,
And I stand in a far land, the evening still, and am at last sure
That I miss more that stillness at bird-call than some things that were 
to fail later.

 

但这个版本还可以改进得更好，变成这样的版本。

躁动世界中的鸟类学

那只是夜晚的一声鸟叫，听不出是什么鸟，
我从泉边取水回来，要穿过屋后散布岩石的牧场；
但我站得那么静头顶上的天空都不能比桶里水中的天空更静。

许多年过去，所有的地方和面孔都变得模糊，一些人已经死掉，
而我立在遥远的国度，夜色依旧，我终于知道
我怀念鸟儿鸣叫时的宁静要比那些日后注定
衰败的事物更多。

 

但是据另一种传说，实际的情况是这样的。

立读了这个版本:

躁动世界中的鸟类学

那只是夜晚的一声鸟叫，听不出是什么鸟，
我从泉边取水回来，要穿过屋后散布岩石的牧场；
但我站得那么静头顶上的天空都不能比桶里水中的天空更静。

许多年过去，所有的地方和面孔都变得模糊，一些人已经死掉，
而我立在遥远的国度，夜色依旧，我终于知道
我怀念鸟儿鸣叫时的宁静要比那些日后注定
衰败的事物更多。

感觉不如这个版本:

Ornithology in a World of Flux.

It was only a bird call at evening, unidentified,
As I came from the spring with water, across the rocky back-pasture;
But so still I stood sky above was not stiller than sky in pail-water.

Years pass, all places and  faces fade, some people have died,
And I stand in a far land, the evening still, and am at last sure
That I miss more that stillness at bird-call than some things that were 
to fail later.

但是感觉最好的版本:

Ornithology in a World of Flux.
变迁世界里的鸟类

It was only a bird call at evening, unidentified,
那只是傍晚的一声鸣叫，听不出是来自什么鸟，

As I came from the spring with water, across the rocky back-pasture;
我正取泉水回来，穿过满是石头的后院草甸；

But so still I stood sky above was not stiller than sky in pail-water.
我却是稳稳地站着以至于水桶里的天与头上的天一样平静。

 Years pass, all places and  faces fade, some people have died,
多年后，那些地方和面孔都从记忆中退去，一些人已身亡魂消，

And I stand in a far land, the evening still, and am at last sure
而我伫立在远方，夜色沉静，终于洞见

That I miss more that stillness at bird-call than some things that were 
to fail later.
比起那些慢慢消散的事物那份鸟鸣时的宁静多么地让我魂牵梦萦。

昨天小忒忒绿网友请立评点他的翻译，他这是想周末钓鱼。立哪有那个水平阿。
感谢小忒忒绿网友的抬举，赠画一副。