to xxhh

HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Chris tmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"  And that's how the fight started.....  ______________________________  My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'  'No,' she answered. I then said,  'Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."  And that's when the fight started...  ________________________________  I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"  "Nah, she can order for herself."  And that's when the fight started.....  ________________________________  My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she  kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.  I asked her, "Do you know him?"  "Yes", she sighed,  "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we  split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."  "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"  And then the fight started...  ________________________________  When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me  that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take  care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more  important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.  When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily  snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for  a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and  when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish  cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."  The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.  ________________________________  My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked, "What's on TV?"  I said, "Dust."  And then the fight started...  ________________________________  Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and  slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the  weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly  undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a  different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."  My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid hu*****and  is out fishing in that?"  And that's how the fight started...  ________________________________  My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."  I bought her a bathroom scale.  And then the fight started.......  ________________________________  After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she  processed my Social Security application..  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.. You might have gotten disability, too.'  And then the fight started...  ________________________________  My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,  "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'  I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."  And then the fight started........

 

所有跟帖： 

• hahaha,very funny. Thanks. -howcan^- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 10:32:03

• God, that is so funny. -longhand- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 10:56:32

• I LIKE THIS THE MOST -塞上孤星- ♂ (2756 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 11:03:42

• LOL. Thanks! -西西hh- ♀ (2545 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:00:43

• I am wondering what "from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds" really is -西西hh- ♀ (116 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:01:35

• She is heavy 150lbs -塞上孤星- ♂ (65 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:18:33

• what did she really want at the beginning? -西西hh- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:23:09

• thanks! your jokes really made me laugh! You have a happy holida -西西hh- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:24:25

• A nice race car I guess -塞上孤星- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:24:56

• Happy holidays to you too! -西西hh- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 13:26:20

• 这个贴子离中国文化或幽默比较远。。。。。。 -阿里- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 16:38:02

• en,好像是用英语写的 -飞雪：）- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 18:20:17

• en,好像英语不是汉语。 -longhand- ♂ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 18:37:45

• 你太有知识了 -飞雪：）- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 18:40:55

• 楼上童鞋节日快乐！ -把酒话桑麻- ♀ (0 bytes) () 12/09/2010 postreply 22:03:28