晕? I am not sure.

秋韵，

秋韵，       <--- It is not really connected well between this line and the next one. 

梦里美人飞吻。 <--- "梦里" is too abrupt.

山川尽染红痕， <--- This one is nice and well put as the rsult of "飞吻"

大雁徘徊晕魂。 <---This could be better.

魂晕，

魂晕， 

高挂风帆莫问。 <---Another unsatisfying line ."莫问" is not bad but

"高挂风帆"is somehow out of nowhere.

所有跟帖： 

• 晕韵十三问, 秋韵是画的主题，梦里美人飞吻是对这幅画最深的印象，整幅画仿佛置身梦幻之中， -飘尘永魂- ♂ (222 bytes) () 11/12/2010 postreply 11:48:23

• 整首可以再斟酌. -墨瑞- ♀ (135 bytes) () 11/12/2010 postreply 13:26:22

• 谢谢墨师指教，改写如下请再赐教！：） -飘尘永魂- ♂ (851 bytes) () 11/12/2010 postreply 20:30:21