【老陈的儿子在大学吸毒了！】Lao Chen's son is doing drugs in college!
老陈的儿子在大学吸毒了！Lao Chen's son is doing drugs in college!
1.
老陈和他太太青苹是我当年在大学城的朋友。当时，我们都是做了N年的博士后。他俩跟我不是一个系，但对前途也同样是不踏实。在我找到公司的工作后的第二年，青苹得到了麻省一所大学tenure track的Assistant Professor职位。她的那个专业并不是热门专业，她也是面试了不知多少个地方，很不容易了。于是她立刻接受，搬家。
Lao Chen （老陈）and his wife Qingping （青苹）were my friends back in the university town. At that time, we were all postdocs for N years. They were not in the same department as me, but their concerns about the future were just as palpable. In next year after I finally joined industry, Qingping got a tenure-track Assistant Professor position at a university in Massachusetts. Her field wasn't popular, and she had numerous interviews in many places before getting the offer. So, she accepted it immediately and the family moved to Massachusetts.
他们有个儿子Allen，跟我闺女同年生，当时在一个幼儿园。如果青苹得不到那个教授职位，他们或许考虑再要一个孩子。但青苹拿到了那个职位以后，简直就是玩命了。基金不好申请，startup那30万眼看要用完，还谈什么要孩子。老陈在同地区的另一所名校得到一个lab manager的工作，老板是个大教授，实验室有钱，工作是稳定的。五、六万的年薪就认了，好在工作比较轻松，时间灵活，这样，老陈就成了夫人的“贤内助”，而且头几年担负起了大部分抚养、教育Allen的责任。
They had a son named Allen, the same age as my daughter, who was in the same kindergarten at the time. If Qingping didn't get that professor position, they might have considered having another child. But after getting the job, she had to be all in. Funding was tough to secure, and the $300,000 startup money was running out. Having another child was out of the question. Lao Chen got a lab manager job at another prestigious school in the same area, working for a big professor with a well-funded lab. The salary was only 50 or 60k annually, but he accepted it. Fortunately, the job was relatively easy and flexible with time. Thus, Lao Chen became his wife's "supporting partner" and took on the responsibility of raising and educating Allen for the first few years.
他们搬家以后，我们只见过一次面，但一直保持着联系。除了圣诞、新年互致问候外，我跟老陈每年还通一两次电话。青苹凭着自己的勤奋和老陈的全力支持，五年后如愿拿到了tenure，前两年又升为正教授，有一个人员梯队合理的实验室。Allen现在已经是年过十八岁的大小伙子。老陈这些年培养儿子很精心，Allen除了一般学业成绩优秀之外，还在National Science Bowl, 体育（击剑）和音乐（单簧管）上都有不错的奖项。去年他跟我女儿同一年申请大学。Allen如愿进了中北部一所名校，我女儿也进了她最理想的大学，算是皆大欢喜。
After they moved, we only met once, but we stayed in touch. Aside from Christmas and New Year's greetings, we call each other once or twice a year. Thanks to Qingping's hard work and Lao Chen's full support, she got tenure after five years. She became a full professor two years ago, and had a well-organized lab with a reasonable team structure. Allen, now an eighteen-year-old young man, was carefully nurtured by Lao Chen over the years. Besides excellent academic performance, he had received awards in the National Science Bowl, sports (fencing), and music (clarinet). Last year, both he and my daughter applied to colleges. Allen was admitted to a prestigious university in the north central area, and my daughter was also admitted to her top choice, making everyone happy.
2.
9月下旬的一个星期五晚上10点多种，老陈突然打电话过来，说孩子刚进校一个月，就彻底学坏了，他和青苹急得不得了。就在刚刚，他们发现孩子在学校里面 “吸毒”了，他们准备第二天一大早就出其不意地开车去学校。这时候青苹也加入进来，带着哭腔向我讲述了事情的经过：
One late Friday night in late September, Lao Chen suddenly called me, saying that after just a month in college, their son had completely gone astray, and both he and Qingping were extremely worried. Just now, they found out that their son had been "doing drugs" at school, and they planned to drive to the school without notifying him early the next morning. Qingping joined the conversation with a tearful voice and narrated the incident:
Allen进大学之后似乎非常愉快、适应，很快交了些新朋友。孩子不怎么打电话回来，似乎也不想家。他们得知Allen刚开学party不少，就要求孩子不要过度，把时间多用在学习上，小伙子满口答应。他们一家都是用iPhone的，他们可以track孩子的位置（Allen知道）。前一段他们发现他晚上在学校外面的两个地方逗留很长时间，有一天居然呆到凌晨3点多。他们在谷歌地图上一查，那两个地方是酒吧。这让他们很不安，觉得这样要“学坏”。Allen说你们放心，我都是跟本校的freshman朋友在一起，他们都很优秀。以后忙了party就少了。他们要求Allen不能喝酒，他有些闪烁其词。此后他去bar的次数每周还是至少两次。老两口的焦虑一天天增加。
After entering college, Allen seemed very happy and adapted quickly, making new friends in no time. He rarely called home and didn't seem to miss it. They learned that Allen attended quite a few parties at the beginning of the semester, so they asked him not to overdo it and focus more on studying. He promised, but their family, using iPhones, could track Allen's location (with his knowledge). Recently, they discovered that he spent a long time outside the school at two places, something staying until after 3 a.m. One day, they checked on Google Maps, and realized those two places were bars. This made them uneasy, thinking he was getting "corrupted." Allen reassured them, saying he was always with his freshman friends from the same school, and they were all outstanding students. He promised to party less when he got busier. They asked him not to drink, but he was evasive. Nevertheless, he continued going to bars at least twice a week. The parents' anxiety grew day by day.
有一天青苹突然跟老陈说，他的破手机在我们手上，我们可以看他和别人的通讯，什么都能看到。原来，春天儿子在健身房里，杠铃把他的手机砸坏了，屏幕开裂，相机损坏（但其他功能还保留）。于是不得不买了个新的。那个个损坏的手机就扔在家里。此前因为帮他转文件等原因，青苹知道密码。这旧手机就好比是那个个新手机的完全拷贝（其实文件都在云上）。
One day, Qingping told Lao Chen that Allen's old phone was in their possession, and they could see his communications with others, everything. In spring, Allen's phone was damaged in the gym when a barbell smashed it, and the screen and camera lens were damages, but the other functions remained. So, he had to buy a new one, leaving the damaged one at home. Qingping knew the password because she helped transfer files before, and the old phone was essentially a complete copy of the new one (the files were actually in the cloud).
不看不要紧，一看老陈和青苹脸都绿了。前几天Allen跟他高中的最要好的朋友Neil吹嘘醉酒，传的几张照片满脸通红，尽显丑态。更有一张几个男女学生搂在一起，Allen竖着中指。再仔细看文字，天简直要塌下来了！至少有两次Allen跟Neil说自己尝了大麻制品，是一个富家子弟买来来给大家尝尝的。青苹带着哭腔说：这是吸毒啊。一旦成瘾，人就毁了。我们宁愿让他退学，回来让他上社区大学，也不能看着他毁灭。我们准备明天一早就开车过去。午夜以后到达。他如果在酒馆，正好抓他一个现行。
When they checked, both Lao Chen and Qingping turned pale. A few days ago, Allen had been boasting to his high school best friend Neil about getting drunk, and some pictures showed his face all red, revealing a shameful state. There was also a picture of several male and female students huddled together, with Allen flipping the middle finger. Upon closer inspection of the texts, it was devastating! At least twice, Allen told Neil that he had tried marijuana products, which a wealthy friend had bought for everyone to try. Qingping, with a tearful voice, said, "This is doing drugs. Once addicted, a person is ruined. We would rather have him drop out, come back, and attend community college than watch him destroy himself. We plan to drive there early tomorrow. If he's at the bar, we'll catch him red-handed."
3.
这本是人家教育孩子的考虑和决定，我不宜反对。但这件事情上，我深感老陈夫妇太焦虑、太冒进了，所以我对他们说，如果我是你们，我要再看看，把事情了解得更清楚。我不会这么贸然开车一千英里突然出现在他面前。首先，大麻不是可卡因、芬太尼。使用后面这两类毒品是必须马上制止的，因为不仅违法，而且很容易成瘾。芬太尼还有过服的危险。青苹问：不都是毒品吗，难道还有什么好的毒品？我说，娱乐性大麻的使用，在Allen所在的州是完全合法的，在你们麻省也合法。大麻已经不能认为是“毒品”了。你想一想，美国难道是放任把他们的年轻一代全部毁灭吗？当然不是。抛开这个问题上的许多争论不谈，事实上大麻的成瘾性极小，主要是产生放松感和欣快感（后者仅限于含THC的制品），它还有些医疗方面的作用，而且不产生危及生命的副作用。当然，大麻也是不沾为好，但从健康角度讲，大麻其实比烟和酒要安全很多。
This was their consideration and decision about educating their child, and I shouldn't oppose it. However, in this matter, I felt that Lao Chen and his wife were too anxious and impulsive. So, I told them that if I were in their shoes, I would take a step back, gather more information, and understand the situation better. I wouldn't suddenly appear in front of him after driving a thousand miles. Firstly, marijuana is not cocaine or fentanyl. The use of these two types of drugs must be stopped immediately because they are not only illegal but also highly addictive. Fentanyl even poses a risk of overdose. Qingping asked, "Aren't they all drugs? Are there good drugs?" I told her that recreational marijuana use is entirely legal in the state where Allen is and also in her state of Massachusetts. Marijuana can no longer be considered a 'drug.' Think about it: does the United States allow the entire younger generation to be destroyed? Of course not. Setting aside many arguments on this issue, the fact is that marijuana is minimally addictive, mainly producing a relaxing and euphoric effect (the latter is limited to products containing THC). It also has some medical benefits and does not have life-threatening side effects. Of course, it's still better not to use marijuana, but from a health perspective, it's much better than cigarettes and alcohol.
通过我进一步的详细解释，两口子平静了许多。我们就开始闲聊天。我说不瞒你们说，我女儿在大学里现在party也多，我们还知道她喝过酒。也不安，但我们的原则是提醒和再观察一段时间。孩子到了一个全新的环境，带着很强的好奇心去探索和社交，我们应该给他们一点时间去摸索和调整。
After further detailed explanations, the couple became much calmer. We started chatting. I didn't hide anything and told them that my daughter also attends many parties in college now, and we know she has drunk alcohol. It worries us too, but our principle is to remind her and to observe for some more time. Children enter a completely new environment, driven by strong curiosity to explore and socialize; we should give them some time to explore and adjust.
我对老陈和青苹说，回忆一下咱们大学时代，是不是也做过不妥的、荒唐的、父母不能接受的事情？我在大学里面有一小段时间抽烟，幸亏没上瘾。老陈说他在学校的聚会上开始喝酒，有两次喝醉了，吐得一塌糊涂，当然不敢跟家里讲。青苹说她大二那年寒假前剪掉了马尾巴，去烫了一个仿某影星造型的大花卷发。没想到春节回家后，父母说样子失去了清纯，不像个学生。警告她别把精力用在打扮上。
I let Lao Chen and Qingping recall their university days; haven't we done things that were inappropriate, absurd, and unacceptable to our parents? I smoked for a short period in university, luckily without getting addicted. Lao Chen said he started drinking at school gatherings, got drunk twice, and vomited profusely, of course not daring to tell his family. Qingping said in her sophomore year, before winter break, she cut off her ponytail, went to perm a big bun hairstyle resembling a certain movie star. Unexpectedly, after returning home for the Spring Festival, her parents said her appearance lost its purity and didn't look like a student. They warned her not to focus on dressing up.
4.
星期一一上班，我就找两位同事聊了一下这件事情。一位是我隔壁办公室的Yan，她是我的老同事，幼年时跟着父母从香港来美国。她是比较美国化的华裔；第二位是我手下的白人小伙子Patrick。两人的说辞非常近似，总结起来就是：1. 刚上大学新生的party多一点，做点出格的事情在美国大学里面很常见；2. Weed（大麻的俗称）现在已经不能归为drug了，偶尔尝试一下，父母没必要太恐惧；3. 经过一段时间，大部分学生会调整。每个人结交什么样的朋友，花多少时间用在读书上，多少时间用在其他方面，各不一样；4. 只要考试分数没有滑坡，说明他是一个正常的学生。这一点是标志；最重要的一点，他们都强调，绝不可以这样开车去大学confront孩子。如果父母莫名其妙让孩子在他的朋友面前出丑， they would lose their kid for good. 他们的这些说辞也让我更确信自己的判断和建议。
On Monday when I returned to work, I talked to two colleagues about this. One was Yan from the office next to mine; she was my old colleague who came from Hong Kong to the United States with her parents when she was young. She is a more Americanized Chinese. The second was Patrick, a white guy under my supervision. Both had very similar opinions, summarized as follows: 1. It's common for freshmen to attend lots of parties at the beginning of college, and doing something out of the ordinary is quite common in American universities; 2. Weed (the slang term for marijuana) can no longer be categorized as a drug; parents don't need to be too afraid if their children occasionally try it; 3. After a period, most students adjust. Each person makes different friends, spends different amounts of time on studying, and varies in other aspects; 4. As long as exam scores don't decline, it indicates that the student is normal. This is an important sign. Most importantly, they both emphasized that parents must not confront their children at the university in this way. If parents embarrass their children in front of their friends for no reason, they would lose their kid for good. Their opinions made me more confident in my judgment and advice.
我衷心希望Allen在学校里面顺利成长，不要跑偏。因此，打那以后我与老陈夫妇的联系增多了。在不过度反应和过于焦虑的同时，我建议他们，可以要求孩子每周给家里主动打两次电话，说说学校的事情。而且可以提醒他在交友和社交时候注意judgement。老陈告诉我，10月份的3个测验，Allen的成绩为A-和B+，Allen解释说他对老师的教法不是很适应，时间花得也不够，以后要加强。
I sincerely hoped that Allen would grow up smoothly at school and not deviate. Since then, my contact with Lao Chen and his wife increased. I specifically advised them to ask their son to call home twice a week voluntarily and talk about school matters. They could also remind him to be careful with judgment when making friends and socializing. In the three tests in October, Allen scored A- and B+, and he explained that he wasn't very accustomed to the teacher's teaching methods and didn't spend enough time to prepare, so he planned to improve.
5.
令老陈和青苹欣喜的是，自打10月份之后，Allen跟他们的交流增加了，party减少了。即使有，一般午夜之前他就回宿舍了。从iPhone的位置的track来看，Allen在图书馆学习的时间明显多了。他选秀进了学校的管弦乐队，任第三单簧管。他还加入了学生的经济学俱乐部。至于他练了多年的花剑，他考虑再三决定不再继续。这所学校的击剑队很强，虽然凭自己的积分和水平应能加入，但5’10”的身高偏矮，不易出头。而且训练和比赛要花去极多的时间。孩子的这些变化和理性选择，令老陈夫妇欣喜和满意。顺便说一句，他们虽然有时还是定位Allen的位置（他知道且同意），但不再通过那个损坏的iPhone查询他的私人通讯。两人都认为，那是情急之下的一时所为。没有征得孩子同意，不应该这么做。我认为他们是非常明智的父母。
To Lao Chen and Qingping's delight, since October, Allen's communication with them increased, and the parties decreased. Even if there were parties, he usually returned to the dormitory before midnight. According to the iPhone's location tracking, Allen spent significantly more time studying in the library. He auditioned for and joined the school orchestra as the third clarinet. He also joined the student economics club. As for the fencing he had practiced for many years, he decided not to continue. The school's fencing team was strong, and although he could likely join based on his points and skills, being 5'10" tall made it a little difficult to stand out. Moreover, training and competitions would consume a lot of time. The parents were pleased with these changes and rational decisions. By the way, although they still occasionally tracked Allen's location (and he agreed), they no longer checked his private communication through that damaged iPhone. Both of them thought that it was a hasty action taken in a moment of desperation. Without the child's consent, they shouldn't have done that. I believe they are very wise parents.
前两天，老陈又打来电话。他说Allen已经回家过寒假了。一学期的课程，除一门A-之外，其他都是A。而且他们觉得孩子4个月变化不小，更成熟了。他们感谢我在9月底劝说他们，使他们没有采取过激的行动。
A few days ago, Lao Chen called again. Allen had already returned home for the winter break. In the semester, apart from one A-, all the other grades were A. They also felt that their child had changed a lot in four months, becoming more mature. They thanked me for persuading them at the end of September, preventing them from taking extreme actions.
我的回答是：Allen是在你们的关爱和言传身教下成长起来的，他的父母是勤奋、正派、负责的人。他有什么迅速变坏的理由呢？我们老家伙首先还是信任年轻一代吧！
My response was: Allen grew up under your care and influence. His parents are diligent, upright, and responsible individuals. What reason does he have to quickly turn bad? Let's first trust the younger generation!
[Edited from ChatGPT translation.]
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祝各位节日快乐。恕因外出不能回复网友的留言。以下是早些时候在博客中对网友问题的一些回答，供参考 ——
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-24 08:20:43
@xxx
大麻的成瘾性的确是低的。
“成瘾性”（addiction) 和“滥用”(abuse) 是两个不同的概念。前者须跟“戒断症状”相联系（具体定义可去查询，不细说了。），而“滥用”只需要特别喜欢就可以了。比如有人特别喜欢甜食，停不下来，导致糖尿病和肥胖症，早逝。但我们不能说糖有成瘾性，尽管有人会“滥用”。
大麻有两种主要成分CBD和THC（购买大麻制品时两者是可以分开的）。CBD是没有成瘾性的，而且不产生欣快感（“high”），THC产生欣快感，有点像drug，但成瘾性也是低的，跟尼古丁（香烟）和乙醇（酒精）没法比。特别是尼古丁，那时典型的毒品。
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-24 08:33:41
回复 'xxx' 的评论 :
假如是可卡因、芬太尼、冰毒之类，必须马上采取行动。
可能还需要与警方联系。然而，在那种情况下，怎样做对孩子最有利的事（因为牵涉的违法犯罪和警方调查）是比较难解的，可能先咨询律师比较合适。
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-24 10:41:21
回复 'xxx' 的评论 : 哦，是这样。谢谢您的解释。
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'xxx'回复 'yyy' 的评论 : 旧的手机卡取走后，看不到新手机的通话记录吧？
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这取决于通话记录有没有同步到iCloud上面，如果有的话，是可以看到的。 孩子可以在新手机上把这项选项取消，旧手机上就看不到了。
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-24 15:25:08
回复 'xxx' 的评论 :
谢谢您。的确，“娱乐”不需要化学品，最好都不沾。
烟（尼古丁）是非常非常坏的，您说“容易戒”这是不可能的。戒烟的难度与戒鸦片、戒可卡因有可比性。其戒断症状很严重、很难受。我只见过一个断然戒掉的，原因是发现肺癌早期。。。
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-24 18:26:11
回复 'xxx' 的评论 :
有关drug abuse liability技术性的问题，用很短的篇幅不易说清楚。简单说两句——
大麻的两种成分CBD和THC,如果是大麻制品，两者是可分的。CBD没有“high”的特性，THC有一点幻觉兴奋性，但比起LSD、psilocybin这些致幻剂，它是非常弱的。
所有以上致幻剂，都没有或只有很弱的成瘾性，跟尼古丁根本不是一个数量级的。
生理成瘾性不能以“本人认为”说事，它是需要以“戒断症状”（withdrawal syndrome）为标志的，而且其强度和表现方式（比如发抖、呼吸变化、腹泻等等）都是可以定量的。这些工作已经被做得比较完善，其结论是科学结论，跟政治上的左派、右派没有关系。
我现在考虑就这个问题写一个短系列，但也犹豫。写得太科学性、太干，则可读性不好；如果泛泛而谈，又不易有说服力。。。
唐宋韵 发表评论于 2023-12-25 09:35:51
回复 'xxx' 的评论 :
大麻中的两种主要有效成分是不同的，研究结果也不是最近10年才有。CBD是不产生成瘾性和戒断症状的。但长期、系统、大量地接触THC是有一定成瘾和戒断症状的。不管怎么说，marijuana不是cocaine，没有那么可怕。
人类最坏的毒品是香烟（尼古丁），它造成的损失远远超过其他毒品的总和。美国在1980-1995这25年间做得特别好，极大地减少了烟民的数量。
在大麻制品上，CBD与THC两者经常是分开的；在整体植物上，marijuana与hemp其实是不同的。
坦率地说，华人同胞对于“毒品”的了解和理解，实在是太少了。
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