俺不懂诗歌哈，但是语法觉得怪的地方应该相通

只看了两段：

當 你的眼 凝望我的眼        When you gaze upon my eyes
世界從此不再需要語言        Language is no longer essential for us
當 你的唇 迎接我的吻        When your lips on my lips,-->either “With your lips on my lips” or “When your lips are on my lips”
世界從此不再需要時間        Time is no longer advancing than cease－>no longer ...than... 用的怪。
有愛在 圍繞我心間           With my heart drenched in your love
有你在 苦也是甜             Bitter even tastes sweet in your companion－>bitterness, maybe?

有多少個昨天               How many yesterday     
是為了能圈住今天的一個願    Was spend to secure one of today’s engagement -->"how many" should be followed by countable nouns and plural forms, therefore: How many "yesterday"s were.
有多少次迷路               How many lost in the way
是為了能停留在這一瞬間      Was enough to remain at this moment-->same issue here. maybe you meant to put a times after how many?
因為有你所以有今天          By the reason of you here comes today