与海外逸士商榷其《岳阳楼》第一段英译文

与海外逸士商榷其《岳阳楼》第一段英译文

范仲淹《岳阳楼记》原文第一段：

庆历四年春，滕子京谪守巴陵郡。越明年，政通人和，百废俱兴。乃重修岳阳楼，增其旧制，刻唐贤、今人诗赋于其上，属予作文以记之。

 

海外逸士译文：In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli, Teng Zijing was demoted to be the prefect of Baling Prefecture. Next year, political situation was favorable and human relationship harmonious; all projects neglected so far were resumed. Therefore, Yueyang Tower was under repair, and new designs were added to the old structure. There engraved on it were poems and essays of the sages of Tang Dynasty as well as of our contemporaries. Then I was asked to give an account of it. 

建议译文：In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli, Teng Zijing was demoted to prefect of Baling. The next year, administrative execution was smooth; human relationship, harmonious; all the neglected, restored. These favored the repair and expansion of Yueyang Tower. During the course, verses and essays by the Tang sages and the contemporaries were engraved on it. I was then asked to write an account for the tower. 

 

说明：

A. 海外逸士译文：Teng Zijing was demoted to be the prefect of Baling Prefecture.

建议文：Teng Zijing was demoted to prefect of Baling.

1. “Was demoted to be the prefect…” 改成了“was demoted to prefect…”。

理由 ：“Demote”的词形和词义恰好与“promote”相反，但两者用法却一样，句型是 to promote / demote to + noun，比如: He was promoted /demoted to program manager / to the rank of program manager, 但不说 promote /demote to be program manager / to be the rank of program manager.

2. “Of Baling Prefecture”改成了“of Baling”。

理由：英语散文写作很忌讳同一句里出现带韵的词，更忌讳在很短的几个字内出现这种情况。海外逸士这一句译文里的“prefect”与“prefecture”带有词头韵，而且出现在短短的四个字内。为避免这中同音相克的现象出现，宁肯牺牲掉下一个“prefecture”，更何况“prefect”本身就已经暗示是一个“ prefecture”里的“prefect”。

 

B. 海外逸士译文：Next year, political situation was favorable and human relationship harmonious; all projects neglected so far were resumed.

建议文：The next year, administrative execution was smooth; human relationship, harmonious; all the neglected, restored.

1.  “Next year”改成了“The next year”。

理由：指今年的明年，英语用“next year”；指从前的明年，英语里用“the next year”。

2. “Political situation was favorable”改成了“administrative execution was smooth”。

理由：” 政通”不是“政治通行”而是“政令通行”。

3. “human relationship harmonious”改成了“human relationship, harmonious”。

理由：这种形式的省略常常用一个逗号标出省略处。

4. “All projects neglected so far were resumed”改成“all the neglected, restored”

理由1：“百废俱兴”里的“百废”译成“projects”概念似乎小了一点，因为这个“百废”既包括“tangible”的，也包括“intangible”。

理由2：同理，“resume”的概念也小了一点，因为“resume” 只表示重新开始，并不表示已经“兴盛”，“resume”以后可能会“兴盛”，也可能不会。

5. “Next year, political situation was favorable and human relationship harmonious; all projects neglected so far were resumed.”改成“The next year, administrative execution was smooth; human relationship, harmonious; all the neglected, restored.”

理由：改句更平行，更精炼。

 

C. 海外逸士译文：Therefore, Yueyang Tower was under repair, and new designs were added to the old structure.

建议文：These favored the repair and expansion of Yueyang Tower.

1. “Therefore，…”改成“These favored …”。

理由1：用“These favored ”上下文意思更紧密。而且“Yueyang Tower was under repair”表状态，从“therefore”进入状态很牵强附会，要进入动态。

理由2：原句有些拖沓。

 

D. 海外逸士译文：There engraved on it were poems and essays of the sages of Tang Dynasty as well as of our contemporaries. Then I was asked to give an account of it. 

建议文：Verses and essays by the Tang sages and the contemporaries were engraved on it. I was then asked to write an account for the tower. 

理由 1：原译文太拖沓。一般可以不用there is / are, 不要用。

理由 2：英语句子的结尾处是一个很重要的地方，要把重要的意思放在这里，更何况这是一个段落的结束处，就更有必要加强这地方，因此在这里用“it”结尾太弱，我把它改成“the tower”。

 

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