匆匆看了一下，觉得

比你那个托福口语的写得好多了，是你老公帮写的？呵呵。

总体建议：句子有点太长，run-on sentences 太多。

象这一句：

Some people don’t think it is necessary for parents to limit the hours while other think this is very important for parents to do so and this is also my opinion.

This is also my opinion 的this，我知道你是指的后面这一个观点。但是没必要把这个阐述自己观点的句子放在这里一笔带过，应该突出一下。

别的没时间改了。要带娃出去玩了。