Wisdom & Fun - Men, Women & Trouble - Relations, Marriage & Divo

This is a highly serious and philosophical subject, so let's first get our definitions right:

Dating:

The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a rich prince to marry and have children.

Divorce:

1) future tense of marriage.

2) Postgraduate in school of love.

3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers, and everyone wanting more money.

4) America's great contribution to marriage. Edward Fawcett

Divorce lawyer:

A lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.

Exercise: For women: to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men: desperate physical exertion to increase the chances for sex.

Family planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

Kissing: a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way between teenagers and parents.

Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would wear.

Love:

1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce.

2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky, a human will feed them in return.

3) Friendship set on fire Jeremy Taylor

4) The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Mark Twain

Marriage:

1) a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? Henry L Mencken

2) The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce

3) The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer.

4) Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

5) Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Men:   1) the male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. Ambrose Bierce

2) a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained by women to do most things. Jilly Cooper

Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

Panties: The last defense on the front lines of desire.

Quiet: a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Sex: 1) activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) activity of men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor

Women: the only oppressed group in society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. Evelyn Cunningham

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no." Woody Allen

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. Aristotle

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. Duane Dewel

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.  Lisa Hoffman

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Lyndon B. Johnson