情自何处？情归何处？

 

My teenager daughter became quite moody and I would like her to start thinking about the following.

 

From time to time, anger and stress seem to be quite normal in everyday life. There are all types of courses available to help us cope with negative emotions. But are our feelings really manageable or even measurable?

 

Firstly, if an emotion is measurable, what are the criteria?

 

1. Purity. Our emotion is often not 100% pure and almost always is a complex mixture. For example: happy and excited, angry and frustrated, sad and depressed, and so on. Furthermore, an emotion pie chart can contain totally opposite feelings at the same time, for example, grateful and angry, accompanied by great confusion. Some time it is not even possible to identify what and how many emotions are experienced at one time.

 

2. Intensity and Durability. If emotions can be measured, intensity and durability could be two variables that are contained in one formula, i.e. Intensity x Durability = N. The higher the Intensity, the lower the Durability. The sum of these two is N.  N is also variable from individual to individual, from situation to situation, and from time to time. It could be the more sensitive an individual is, the higher the N would be. For instance, love is a very popular and intense emotion. Although sharing the same love story, two lovers may experience their love differently. If we look their feelings as a drink, one is drinking Vodka while the other is tasting fresh soda. By the end, one could be intoxicated while the other is no longer thirsty. In this case, the values of two Ns are dramatically different.

 

3. Variability and Stability. These mainly refer to long term and on-going emotions. The relationship between Variability and Stability could be very complex and interesting. Again, the love in a marriage would be a good example. We expect it to be stable and durable; we demand it to be as intense as when it first started. However, most likely, “intensity” and “durability”confront each other. As the result, “variability” has to merge into the picture, which enables the original love transcended to a new formatted one. The new format includes the love to a friend, the love to a sibling, and the love to a child. The new format can carry on the dream of a “combined” love that is stable, durable, and intense.

 

After all, if there are complex or uncleared criteria, can feelings and emotions are still somewhat measureable? If yes, would it be subjective or objective measurement? Would they be similar to the medical tests? If all emotions are reflected on our various body areas, can they be measured by chemistry level in certain organs? Or should they be measure by observations of an individual’s actions and behaviour? What would be the scales or levels?

 

If we assume an emotion can be measured, then who can perform this job? Could it be measured by the individuals involved in certain given situations? An emotion is a very private experience. It is said “I love you, but it has nothing to do with you”. A love could be a self-centric delusion. It is a perfect story created and projected by oneself. How can one guide self through the maze of love? How can one evaluate his or her own work? Could a love be assessed by a third party? If yes, who could be this entitled and qualified third party? Who can witness the entire picture while remain objective? How can the third party gain a complete understanding of the story? Two lovers are very much obsessed by their own visions and feelings. These private and complex feelings are almost impossible to be communicated and understood in full.

 

It appears emotions and feelings are very difficult to be measured accurately. Then can they still be somewhat managed?

 

An emotion arises in a certain situation with a certain person at a certain speed and for a certain destination. How much impact do we have on the birth of a feeling? Are there any “birth-control” methods to reduce our negative emotions? Will previous experienced feelings make future ones easy or actually even harder to manage? No matter what, we are responsible for parenting our own feelings and emotions: what and how often to feed them, when to give them a nap, when to let them exercises, when to monitor and when to leave them alone. As well, we need to determine how to care, how to guide, how to transform, and how to send it off. Unlike raising a child, we are the only parent. We hold 100% ownership of our emotions and feelings.

 

Again, I will use the common and intense emotion love as an example. Similar to raising a child, we sure have some influence, but the power we have could be limited. At each stage, we may hold different levels of authority. It is said a child’s values and beliefs are established at the early years. Therefore, age 0-7 is the golden time for moral education. Is there such a golden time for emotion management? Is it the same time for each love or all types of emotion? Does it work the same way for all different individuals? Are there any processing patterns or rules? Are these patterns individualized or commonly shared?

 

There are more questions to explore: will our own or others shared experiences improve our management skills? Will continuous effort guarantees a better outcome? Will management make our feelings and emotions more fun or less enjoyable? For better results, do we manage the cause or the emotion itself? Are emotions and feelings contagious? If personalities are inheritable, how about the sensitivity to others’ feelings and the ability to manage own emotions?

 

Applying 80-20 Rule, the average control of emotions birth could be merely 20%. There still one thing we can do – which is to appreciate and experience the unmanageable 80% of our true feelings. After all, life is supposed to be an ultimate experience, an unexpected journey, and an exciting adventure of great uncertainty.