Why?

Why?

People who are close to me well enough know a fact that I am just a total idiot who oftentimes relentlessly ask the questions that appear no clear answers at the moment, yet won't let it go. Such obsession sometimes gets me in trouble, of course, that is beyond the boundary that I wrote this piece. For three days listening and watching Medias' bombastic coverages on the aghast and senseless slaughter of innocents in Newtown Conn, I am so compelled to keep asking, why, why and why.

To me and so many people out there, it's incomprehensible to fathom: why the killer was able to pull the trigger to his own mother and then went on to shot 20 little kids with multiple bullets each without a tinge of mercy just 11 days shy from Christmas. What would be the motives and hatred which made him to commit such horrendous crimes ? Why there was no one who saw this was coming ? Why ...

I know that my questions might never be answered thoroughly and satisfactorily; given the fact, the perpetrator is dead while tearing so many families into pieces and leaving a nation shaken by sorrow ,affliction and outrage. In the midst of questioning and sadness, my dad called, asking how I was doing, I told him my questions and he listened quietly without providing any answers. At the end of our conversation, he said to me "你小的辰光，你可以坐在你姆妈的腿上和我的肩上，虽然你调皮不听话，但我们可以看得见，摸的到你。现在，你长大离开我们远走高飞，却每天压在我和你姆妈的心上。 你姆妈很怕，哪一天，一通电话来... 你知道我们是无法接受...“ When I was trying to comfort my dad for his weird thoughts, all of the sudden， my heart skipped a bit, and was bitten in pain. That's exactly what I have been worrying about my grandpa and grandma, afraid of a phone call from China at the middle of night to wake me up with a bad news. I replied, pretending with the usual coolness"爸，你不要自己吓自己，怎么可能？“

Granted I don't own any kids not to mention that I have not married yet.  But such disadvantage does not stop me to imagine how agonizing it's ought to be for those parents who lost their children in Newtown massacre may have to endure in days to come. For such an angle, I somehow can understand my parents' fear for the nightmare scenario.  It must be the most excruciating painful experiences for parents to bury their children. 

Why do our lives have to end ? If must, why they cant' be finished in a peaceful way rather terrible and painful ones ?