来来来， JM们轻松一下， 顺便鄙视一下我们。 ：））

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your hu*****and said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 

WITNESS: Yes.. 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: I forget. 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

___________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 

WITNESS: We both do. 

ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 

WITNESS: We do. 

ATTORNEY: You do? 

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

____________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. 

___________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me? 

_________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 

WITNESS: None. 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 

W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS: Take a guess. 

__________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 

_____________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .. 

______________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 

_________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS: Oral. 

_________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 

____________________________________________ 

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 

______________________________________ 

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

Witness: "I only have one, you know."

_____________________________________

 

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

______________________________________

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

_____________________________________

Lawyer: "What happened then?"

Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

Witness: "No."

___________________________________

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

___________________________________

 

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."

Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

_________________________________________

 

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

Witness: "That's me."

Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

________________________________________

 

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

_______________________________________

 

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Witness: "Four times."

_______________________________________

 

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left,  is that true?"

_____________________________________

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

Witness: "July 15th."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

______________________________________

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

_________________________________________

 

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

__________________________________________

 

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

Witness: "She is my daughter."

Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

____________________________________________

 

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"

Witness: "I could see his head."

Lawyer: "And where was his head?"

Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

______________________________________________

 

 

And the best for last: 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS: No.. 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS: No. 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS: No.. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.