第一首,捉,仄了,可改抓。诗视点不统一。究竟在山里还是街上?如将“吾”改成“每”,眼下就未必在山里了。
第二首 的“得闲”的“得”字要改成平声。不然孤平。如得在中华新韵是平,则OK. 后两句的意思我还没有真读懂。谁要扯老翁的胡子?雪吗?
(又龙兄说的合律不是这一首)
• 回复:遵嘱说说《流浪雪》 -tianduan114- ♀ (108 bytes) () 11/25/2008 postreply 19:05:53
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