那首英文诗还是处在用英文翻译作者的中文思维的阶段，直接写出中文来反而更好。如果写英文的话，可以尝试非母族语英文诗作第二阶段，就是试着把诗句中的语序词序稍微掉换一下，不必删减，只是换序，这个时候语法靠边站，而念出来琅琅上口则更要紧。诗需要韵，意境则靠人联想。
in the moonlight I kiss you Once，
The rain starts to fall, bringing a soul the grass,
So that your mind and heart it can sense。
Bringing the wind a body like yours,
So that it can rest。
wandering is All, bright is all，
And clear, even people in the dark，
shining Even the finished stones。
In the rain, which won't stop until
of music You open your thoughts
passing through Your brilliant sounds
An oak tree, as old as it can be,
As old as the stars can be,
to share our dreams Standing still,
To share our dreams with the night crystal,
Under the sky eternal.
第三阶段，就是遣词造句。在维持韵律的基础上，让句子更有意境和想象的空间。训练有素的诗人可能直接就出这段活儿了。该删该剩的都去掉它，多用比喻词转义词还有词性活用，尤其是名词的活用，如名词动用和形容用。
in the moonlight a kiss to you，
on the grass a raindrop of soul,
your mind and heart it may feel.
brings the wind a body like yours,
may it rest a moment of peace.
wander is all, bright is all，
clear are people altho' in the shadow，
shining are rocks altho' of raw。
in the rain that never stops,
of music opens your thoughts
letting flow your brilliant sounds
an oak and the stars as old as can be,
share our dreams standing still,
with a night of crystal,
under the sky eternal.
